Sunday, September 4, 2011

You just can not control everything

Over the weekend there was a conversation about pregnancy and how people are healthy/not healthy during pregnancy and the comment was passed that being healthy means that nothing will happen to you and the baby..... well I overhead all this and actually walked away because as I very well know this is so not true and you just cant presume this will be the way.....another person who was part of the discussion however pointed out this and stated that in fact you cant always prevent these things and sometimes we simply have no control over what happens in our pregnancy, healthy or not!

Another part of this conversation was related to the decision to go ahead with a pregnancy or not if you found out you had a child with needs. I really had to remove myself from this one as I find that this is the second hardest part of what we went through (first being us not having Grace with us) and I struggle to find the words to describe what we had to do and hate to even bring it up and feel guilty all the time about it. I know we did not have much choice and there was a different path we could have gone down with varying outcomes but ultimately all of which leading to us still losing Grace at the end. I understand why people have to go through medical termination like we did, it is simply the process and the feelings that come with it and the fact of what you are actually doing. I just hate this part of it all and always will I think.

But on a nicer note, my sister in law went into my bedroom to use the en-suite recently, and had not seen our special area for Grace, and came and told me how lovely it was and how beautiful it was that we had created that for her and for us to remember her. I really appreciated hearing this and feeling comfortable that someone had seen this area.

I received a special poem with a tiny angel pin and a crystal from my sister in law S which was really unexpected and special also. She had seen them and decided that they were for me. Just tiny things like this shows warmth, understanding and care that goes beyond many words really and recognition that Grace is special and part of our lives.

Have been on a hunt for a blossom tree that flowers pink blossoms in September and after much hunting may have narrowed it down now and during the hunt, mum discovered a rose that is named 'Grace' which I may also look at getting.....just not sure how I would go with looking after it.....

It is really crazy and frustrating and I have been down this track many times but some people can do anything they want during pregnancy and they can have a healthy baby and then I was so pedantic about everything....ate the 'right' foods, didn't go in the spa for too long due to the heat, avoided too much coffee, didn't lift heavy things etc etc and yet I still had no control over what ultimately happened!

I had to get my blood tests done today and require more in 10-14 days to check where my immunity is at in regards to the virus....not making any future plans until we know more in regards to this. I have been told that my immunity against this virus may not happen for up to 18mths! Stupid thing is there are so many other viruses and things that can make things 'go bad' during pregnancy and none of them you can be immunized against or protected against so nothing is a sure thing and you cant control some things!

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