We spoke of you....

I spoke of you on Monday with a friend from work.....her cousin just delivered a 1pound baby at 24weeks and it is unknown if the baby will survive......She said that I must know how that feels....having such uncertainty and holding such a small baby.....I said yes but you were only 210grams and I knew with certainty you were not alive when we held you......I was not being rude just making the point that it was different.......I feel for the couple that just had the baby as there will be huge decisions to make and a tiny baby there in the incubator struggling for life.........Speaking to this friend at work was the first time she has been able to talk about you.......

Today at the supermarket I saw some family......B's side of the family..........She said she knew we lost a baby and asked if your name was Grace..........we talked and in her family they also had met an 'angel' with a baby being born at 19weeks and a genetic condition that meant the baby would never survive, there was no chance........we spoke of you and how tiny you were.......that you have a boy cousin in heaven with you..........how life has changed..........how family and friends supported us.........and how life will never be the same......

I was sorting through some clothing the other day and found some beautiful dresses that I got from T ages ago in the hope that one day I would have a girl and she could wear them.....I had a girl, but she never got to wear them. I found one baby outfit that I had brought that was brand new and unisex. You will never get to wear that. It is now with all your other little treasures safely placed into your special box.

I always think of you, I look at your photos and I think of your tiny features. I complete scrapbook pages and feel they are not good enough. I wear my pendent to feel closer to you with your prints close to my chest. I think about getting a canvas done with photos. Your dad, your brothers, your family and our friends still talk about you, not as much, but you are still thought of. I walk around every day knowing you are gone, feeling a bit empty and wishing this had of not happened. I blame myself for not taking enough care with hygiene and now at work I am over-extended on doing this. I question 'why' and know that will never be answered. I dont believe this happened for a reason. I believe that you cant control everything in your life and nature is powerful and un-c0ntrollable. I wonder what you would have looked like, how you would have behaved. I wonder how this can hurt so much. I wonder why some days are harder than others. I wonder why the young mum at the shop swearing at her beautiful girls in the pram, gets to keep her girls and I don't. I miss you, I miss you so very much. I wanted to keep you. I want you here and be part of our lives, not as an angel but here living and breathing. I wonder if I could have been a good mummy to three children. I wonder if I will ever meet you again......

Do you speak of your child? Do other people speak about your child? How do you cope with some questions?