the physic....talked to D on the phone who wished us all the best for the weekend.....
My reading at the physic was amazing...within minutes I was in tears and so was she! Straight away she said to me that I had been going through a tragic time in the last twelve months and was handing me a baby girl in a pink blanket and my aunty D (she named her) and my grandmother were there with Grace along with other family members....She talked to me about putting on a brave face and covering up the grief....described B and the emotions he has been through...how much he loves me and this being a huge challenge for me.....did some numbers for my birth date and said through my life I will have challenges and they will all involve family....having wonderfully supportive friends around me and how amazing they have been....spoke about how Grace was not a miscarriage....let go of the guilt....M and , their ages and personalities and how M plays with Grace as a little girl and C is aware of her but in a different way.....she talked about A and her journey and what she has gone through....I am going on holiday to Ausie or south island.....my father needs to watch his health.....another baby for B and I will happen in about a year....I am not ready yet but know that deep down I really want one even though I am saying no/yes.....next baby will be a healing baby for B and I.....talked about Grace having photos taken, cuddles and being with her when she was born....said how old Grace would have been now....talked about placenta and problems.....we are moving house, well we need to before there are problems with the land.....the letters of my babys name had a 'C' and was being given the sounds of 'c' or 's' in the name.....handed me a birthday card for both Grace and for a sibling with a birthday coming up......
So I was blown away and came away rather amazed and wondering if the girls had set up me and told A details.....I left feeling lifted up and connected to Grace, hoping and hoping that it was all real and later that day B listened to the CD, he was also suprised! So thank you so much for the reading D, S and T....just what I really needed.
So later that day after wiping away the tears.....picked up the kids from school and L's and left for Taupo....arrived about 6.30pm with the kids sleeping the whole way there....got into the hotel room...straight into the spa pool in our room....devine....then I fell asleep exhausted with kids and B playing and watching tv......
Saturday May 21st......
Woke up feeling a mixture of emotions.....sucked it all in and got out of bed with the aim to get through the day without being too upset.....had a spa with kids and McDonalds for brekie.....
Lit a candle for Grace with the kids and they sung Happy birthday which set my off crying but was really special....talked to the children about Grace and that today was the day that she was born.....
Packed up the bags and left the motel....headed to Huka falls for a walk and look around.....kids were being a handful and B and I were not feeling like dealing with it.....went to a bee hive place for M and sampled honey as well as seeing bees in the hive....took some silly photos....
Got my first text from S "hows your morning been? I hope you are having a good day, thinking of you all, stay strong and have a good day with your boys, love you and lots of big hugs from us all".....
Got a second text from V only a few minutes later "Hi, hope you are having not too sad a day today, enjoy your weekend and bet it's chilly down there"......
Got a text from S-K and family "Hope you are having fun down there, big hugs to the boys"......
Went to a park....I chased M around the playground trying to watch him but my mind on the time....B stayed in the car with C...quiet and not saying much.....both of us feeling a bit unsure, overwhelmed and sad......
Headed into town in search of pink gerba's...finally found some after becoming a bit anxious I wouldnt find them...lady asked who they were for....I said they were for a baby.....when she said "oh a new baby how lovely"...... replied and said....yes a new baby......then went to find helium as I wanted to release some pink balloons...could not find any and was becoming quite upset so flagged it and thought I just had to let it go and at least we had the lantern to let go......
Got a text from L"thinking of you T, B, M and C, we hope your day is filled with love, support and smiles from your friends and family in remberence of Grace, take care, always, xoxoxo G, T and L"......and while trying to read it for B, I burst into tears with the realisation that no matter what you do, where you are, we were trying to remember our baby and instead we should have her with us....but I was also emotional about the support and love we were getting from everyone and I guess the past twelve months all tumbled into one moment and I kinda lost it a bit....had a good cry and then sorted myself out.....
Saw the rose gardens...really wanted to go for some quiet time so C and I walked around and it felt quite calming there...talked about releasing the lantern there but choose not too.....started getting really anxious about the time and decided after a walk along the waterfront to head to a more private area we had found earlier in the day....
Went to a park on the lakefront about 2pm and choose a spot....put out the picnic rug....special items I brought along and Grace's ashes....now this is where you may think I have really lost it...however I did not feel that this was a time that I could leave them at home and it was the way to feel the closest to her that I could....I then nervously watched the time and just as 2.30pm was approaching we lit the lantern and the boys began to scatter rose petals into the lake as we talked about Grace and had our 'moment', as a family, all together and all focused on remembering Grace. After a few minutes and hugs all around, we relaxed a bit and had some lunch....I went pretty quiet for a while just reflecting on everything while B got up and played with the kids....I was so focused on this time in our lives and making sure that at exactly 2.30pm on this day we were doing something special the reality of the fact that every day we think of Grace, every day we do something that is about Grace, is remembering her and honouring her and reality is that I think we do what we can and there is only so much you can do. I love my baby girl, I miss my baby girl and I hope one day I can be with her again.
After about an hour the sun was going and it was getting cold so we headed back to the new place we were staying for the night....the boys had a spa and I just relaxed with a coffee and some quiet time.....I was actually exhausted both emotionally and physically.....
Got a text from T...."Happy birthday Grace....hope you are having a good day as a family and remembering the good feelings you had about your pregnancy before the devastation hit, thinking of you all today".....
Got a text from K..."We are thinking of you all about Grace today, take care xoxo".....
Headed to supermarket to grab some easy tea...even brought a bottle of wine....headed back to hotel....all sat together for tea and talked...this was nice....got kids ready for bed....M fell asleep on my legs...my family text asking how the day had gone....B fell asleep....C fell asleep....I thought about what the day was like after having Grace....having my mum come and visit...having Grace in my arms...seeing her dressed.....having Phil arrive from the funeral home...watching her being taken away....crying and crying...being hugged by my midwife and nurse....walking out of the hospital no longer pregnant and carrying Grace....coming home and waking the boys up just to hold them and be with them....going to bed empty and feeling alone...
Sat there thinking about all that we had been through as a family and thanked 'someone' for us all still being together after this huge tragedy.....
Decided to watch a movie and didnt want to sleep until after 12pm, decided that I wanted to see this day through till the end...sat up watched a movie....S text to see how I was getting on....Tres text and said they had found a lantern and with Vand R they were going to let it go for Grace along with messages they had written on it.....B woke up and watched another movie with me....at 12.01pm I decided it was time I could go to sleep.....
Sunday...
the day after Grace's birth date....
woke with a lighter feeling and slightly more relaxed....today I was not dependent on the time and felt that we had done what we could to remember Grace and make the day special....my aim was for us as a family to be together and we achieved that along with Grace being forever with us in thoughts and in our hearts....Grace will always be part of our lives, no matter what day or time it is and she will always be spoken of and remembered. Grace was also remembered by family and friends and that was special, this just means so much to us and is appreciated.
After the boys had another spa, we packed up and headed off...stopped at a graveyard (as suggested by S and it felt right to do this) and found a grave of a baby girl, a twin, who died not long after birth, placed some flowers on her grave.....then went for a walk around the geothermal park then headed home. All very tired and wanting to get back home again......
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