Taking those pills a year ago

One year ago today, I took those dreaded tiny pills. I remember walking into the hospital shaking and wanting to run away. I don't remember much else in between from that moment to the next where I was sitting with specialists, my midwife, B and then holding onto the pills....trying to keep it all together...I remember everyone looking at me and waiting for me to take the pills....I asked for confirmation that this really was the 'best' option and that there really was no hope for a healthy baby.....I sat for about half an hour just crying and having B hug me then I gulped the pills down and asked to leave....I came home and I went to my room....lay on the bed and repeated over and over what I had already been saying to Grace for the past days...."I am sorry, I am sorry"......then I waited to see if labour would start.....

One year on and today the day has gone better than I was thinking it actually would, thank goodness! I woke with the thoughts of this day arriving and trying my best to push the thoughts away...I got up and got busy with taking C to school and then housework at home....reading books with M.....packing the bags to go away....getting texts and phone calls from friends to say "hope your day goes ok"....my brother even text which is amazing and actually lifted me up quite a bit!

I decided to do a scrapbook page about Grace to help and it made me feel good to finish this off.

I also thought about how we are going to make Grace's birth date special and meaningful and have talked through ideas with S too which include a donation to the Ronald McDonald house, lighting a candle and releasing a pink balloon.

I also wanted to plant my cherry tree from my parents, so S helped me dig the hole...no easy task.....and we planted the tree....felt good and special doing this.

I was given some items today from S; two angel items....one from Grace to me and one for Grace. Beautiful and special!

S invited us for tea tonight and had suggested a family get together if I had wanted to...but at the same time T invited us for tea for T's birthday so we are heading there shortly. I was unsure the other day if I would want to be doing anything, based on how some evenings I have felt utterly wiped out and sad, however I decided as I felt ok today and it was good to have a good time to look forward to.

Tommorow T and I are doing a photo shoot that T arranged and it is about 'friends'. I then have my physic reading and we will head off to Taupo once the kids are picked up. So a busy day but will be good to keep going and busy!