Getting through this month and memories

Trooping along through the month, some days have been easier than others and throw 'that time of the month' into the timing....have kept busy this weekend so tired now but been really good!

I remember that when I was still pregnant with Grace, and in the midst of everything happening, the first time I saw my dad was over the weekend and how he found it so difficult to speak to me, he was really emotional and I ended up having to start the conversation just to keep the silence broken. I remember that we went to an art exhibition at the museum, one that my sister had done a painting for. I wanted to go, to get out of the house, to feel like part of life and slightly normal. It was pouring with rain and I remember thinking "don't slip" when I was running cause that could be bad for the baby then thinking "maybe that would be a good thing right now".....

I remember going into the funeral home and walking up the reception saying that we needed to plan our baby's funeral and then speaking with the director (who was amazing and comforting), and when he asked "so where is the baby now" and I grabbed my stomach saying that I still had her, but the hospital was taking her soon.....Planning a farewell for your baby is something you never ever imagine having to do...

T helped heaps with going into a funeral home, asking questions and finding out information for us....she also went to a shop and found delicate items; gown, booties and a beanie....at the time I thought they would fit...turns out they were too big for my tinkerbell! S made items and asked me what I wanted....a little dress, a blanket, one for Grace and one for me to keep.....Mum rang around places asking questions about a farewell and where we would hold it.....Mum was here to look after the boys whenever we asked her.

I pushed B's family away, I pushed other people away.....I didn't want to answer questions, I didn't want to be looked at and have people wonder how I was and what to say to me....I was hanging on by a thread and needed to stay strong......

I searched Google for songs that were just right... needed something that said what I couldn't....'precious child' said it all....said everything I wanted to.

I sat and wrote Grace a letter, I needed to get everything said....we met with a celebrant who was lovely....she helped us with getting ready for the farewell and having it just how we wanted...

So this month I have felt very looked after and special! I have received some lovely gifts and wanted to share them...things that make me feel like Grace is honoured and special and very much part of our lives. The little china watering can is something C found at an opshop and said he wanted to put it with Graces items. The flowers and the keyring "G" charm were from T. The photography session was from S. The angel charm was from D. Along with these gifts I have had texts and been asked and looked after which has been so special and I am very appreciative! I hope I can re-pay the generosity and the niceness that I have felt!