Awful days

I am re-hashing so much of the past and memories that keep re-surfacing...some of the blog entries I have copied some of the text from the original posts on my blog....please dont feel like you have to be reading these....I just need to get it out of my head...it does help me.....

One year ago TOMMOROW I came home from the hospital following a devastating day of revelations, truth and a huge needle being stuck into me. We arrived at the hospital to be greeted by a rude receptionist. I remember being told we were in the wrong place...then having to wait alongside other pregnant mums, most of whom looked like they couldn't be bothered with being their or helping their unborn child. I remember waiting for the first specialist who did a scan and I remember the baby not moving much on the screen. I remember being excited to see my baby and then reminding myself that we may not get to have this baby for keeps. We still did not know if we were having a boy or girl. We were told we had to wait for further test results. I remember coming out of that scan thinking that maybe there was hope, maybe they saw something that could be fixed, maybe it was going to be ok, maybe our baby would just be born early.....

I then went into another room, shaking and holding B's hand to see another specialist who had see the results of the scan.....

Further investigations revealed that our tiny baby had stopped growing at 16weeks and there were complications with the brain, heart and bowels. After hearing the devastating news and hardly believing what we were hearing, the decision had to made about what to do.

I was advised to have an amnio to investigate things more closely and this was an ordeal in itself.

I could not stop shaking from the news we had just been given and was in total shock, so being asked to lie completely still while a needle draws fluid from your belly was rather tricky! They told me I could wait and do this another day...I just wanted to get it over and done with. Before I walked down to the room I remember I stopped in the hallway and broke down. I then made myself pull it together and walk into the room for the amnio. I could not look at the screen with the baby. I felt awful. My tummy was numb from the wonderfully kind nurse who put numbing cream on my belly. She stayed to hold my hand during the amnio. Once this was completed we discussed further plans with the specialist and were sent home to think about what we were going to choose to do. I remember her saying that even if we were religious, she would still advise us to go ahead with medical termination. I remember asking again about any chance, she shook her head saying brain damage would be expected.

I walked into our house where mum was, she took one look at me, I shook my head and went to my room to be alone.....

We then started letting people know what was happening....I couldnt bear to see people...I could hardly bear to look at myself....

The next few days were horrific and heart wrenching and I cried the most I ever have without hardly stopping and at times finding it difficult to even breathe. We came to the decision that a medical termination was really our only option and the option that the hospital was advising us to go ahead with also. Our tiny baby was given little chance of living, if the baby carried inside me through until 28 weeks that would be considered a miracle and basically the amount of brain damage the baby would have along with the growth restriction gave our baby a grim life with continuous battles, operations and that was even if the baby survived long after birth. Based on the fact that we were lucky enough to have two healthy boys and that we couldn't turn their lives upside down and also that we did not want to put a child through any type of suffering, we agreed to the medical termination.

It made me sick what we were doing, I felt like a murderer and felt like I was the worst mother. I said sorry over and over again to the baby and could not believe what was about to happen.

I began to think of names for the baby...boy names...girl names....Michael for a boy (S and R were considering this name, said I could use it, meaning being linked to archangel Michaal) and the name Grace came to me for a girl....just felt right...mum requested we use her mums name Mary....I also wanted Kay in the name too......

On the Monday I went to my midwife as that was my scheduled day to see her.....tests came back from the amnio and that was clear so good news as far as not having any chromosomal complications, however the blood test revealed the cause of the damage to the baby, and it was from an infection. A simple bloody infection that I had caught early in the pregnancy, about the tenth week and that presents itself as a cold. I had no immunity to this infection and it passed through the placenta and causing the terrible damage to the baby. The name of the infection is Cytomegalovirus (CMV for short). So we had an answer to the cause but this still did not make things any easier. I searched the web for other families that had been affected by this virus and found many stories with children who either survived and were very handicapped or children who did pass away very early on in life. I felt better knowing slightly that we were making the right decision but still felt awful about what was to come and what I had to do.

I came home that day with a piece of paper that B and I took into the room and opened up....I asked the midwife to write the sex of the baby on this as it had come back in the tests....GIRL....written boldly on the paper....B walked out the room...upset and feeling so sorry for me.....I felt gutted and lost......I knew then our baby would be named Grace and everything we did for her would be pink....pink for a princess...pink for my girl!