Always thinking about you

Always thinking of you Grace...always you are in my thoughts and consuming normal every day moments....some thoughts are happy and some are sad...some still ask "what if" or "should I have"...some thoughts are of your tiny wee features....some thoughts are about how brief the time was we had with you....some thoughts are of where you are now or are you anywhere?.....some thoughts are of labour, first look, first hold and last hold....thoughts revolve around and around in my head....some thoughts provoke tears and others I choke back....some thoughts are about what you would have looked like....some thoughts are of time and how it is passing....some thoughts are of those dark days and wondering how I coped...did I cope?....thoughts of family and friends and their involvement or their distancing....thoughts of what you would be like now and who you would look like....forever thinking of you baby girl xoxoxo

The other day I had a lovely, deep and sad but spirited talk with a mum who went through two losses.  One baby was her first, unplanned and she was very young but the loss still remains painful.  The next baby (her third child) made a bigger impact, he was planned and throughout the pregnancy there was bleeding that medical personal did nothing about....she miscarried at 19weeks.  His name was Billy.  Her sorrow is evident and at the same time the connection I have with her and the strength she had to support me and show me that you can get through by focusing on your other children is what helped me to keep going.  We talked about physics and the hope for our babies to be happy somewhere and the answers to that.  We talked about shutting out the world, closing the curtains, not answering the phone and not wanting to face the world and reality.  We talked about family and friends, those who stayed and those who we walked away from.  We talked about the pain and the change of that pain with time.  We talked about our living children and their feelings and thoughts.  We talked about our husbands and their pure determination to get us 'better' and through the worst time of our lives.  We said over and over how hard this was, is and forever will be and no-one can truly understand unless they have experienced this.  We said that we felt guilt for times that we did smile or feel good about something. We said we will never forget, never.  We talked about how we spend time when it is the month of birth date or and month of the due date.  We said you treasure the children you have so much more and make the most of time and experiences for them.  You plan holidays and you enjoy the joy that your children bring to your life, but you also feel a gap, a space where the baby would have been.  You cry at things that you would never have cried at before.  We talked about crying at the realisation your youngest living child is getting older.  We talked about future children and the fear of pregnancy but if someone handed us a newborn we would accept straight away.  We talked about thinking everyone is looking at you differently when you go anywhere, weather they did know or not.  We talked about peoples comments and the worst thing that someone can say is 'oh it just wasn't meant to be'....we both hate that with a vengeance.  We talked about other people and their experiences and how everyone is different and how you deal with the loss is very individual.  We talked about taking the baby's ashes with us on holidays just to feel like the baby was there with us.  We talked about the burial and cremation...the reasons for choosing cremation.  We talked about seeing other pregnant people and trying to smile.  We talked about plastering on a face and pretending to be enjoying something while our hearts and heads just were not focusing.  We talked about people not talking to you or saying too much.  We talked about how forever is a long time to miss someone but that is the way it is.
She is a beautiful person with a beautiful family and I thank her so much for helping me.

Tattoos and relationship breakup

Recently a family member got a tattoo...she asked me if she could use a symbol that is universal but my husband had created and then onto some clothing with angel wings, a G and baby feet...I said no as I felt that symbol was special and meaningful only to us. However my husband and I said that was fine for her to get a tattoo representing Grace if she wanted to and felt honoured she thought of doing it. So she did get a tattoo done, a little daisy that is added onto her existing daisy chain and also a G just small but noticeable and meaningful.

I had some comments made to me from others that all disagreed by what she had done and they thought that if something happened and she was for some reason no longer in our lives she would forever carry the tattoo of Grace.

I thought about this long and hard and found really conflicted but reality was this person was someone who was by my side whenever I needed her, she listened, she never judged, she brought me items that will be forever treasured and special and she was someone I trusted and she was there through everything. I confronted these comments and made that statement that no matter what, regardless of what could happen this person was there for me through the most hardest time of my life and therefore having the tattoos were simply a marking of that time for her and for me. She was honouring my baby, her niece and no matter what anybody thought I didn't care because she was doing something special.

Now something has happened, her marriage has recently dissolved and who knows what happens from this moment but I am sad and I want her to know that, its not her fault, Im not placing blame at all I just simply am sad the relationship is over and things will now change. I don't cope well with change, I don't like it.

I want her to know that her children are still my family and I still very much care for them and will do anything to help care for them from now on, more than ever. I am sad because I cant be there for her when she needs someone the most and return the support she has given me, because I am too close to the situation and my family member is involved so my loyalty has to be with him. I am sad that I will no longer have her around much for advice, support and a friend. I am sad that I got to know her so much and now I feel like I don't know her at all. I am sad this has happened and I am sad for everyone involved, the effects on family and the effects on the children. It has really hit me hard today that my biggest support is no longer someone I can logistically turn too and that makes me sad. I hope she knows that one day sooner rather than later I would like to talk with her, I would like to wish her well with what lies ahead and wish her support with getting help for her depression, her studies, house-hunting, and the children. I don't want her to be non-existent in our lives because she has already been such a big part of it.

Private and public

I have decided that I will continue to have a private blog but only entirely for me and my own thoughts and an area to express myself and to have a public blog that will remain open. I have varying reasons for doing this but it is something I have been thinking about for a while. I mainly need to have my own space now to filter through my own thoughts and now that support systems have changed and sadly have 'withered' a bit, I now want to change how my blog is used. My private blog will be for photos, expressing myself and letters to Grace, things I cant say outloud and my public blog will be for connecting with others who have unfortunately shared in the loss of a baby and as a support system along with expressing my thoughts.

I no longer write often but I will still be writing and I still need to be able to express my thoughts. I still miss my baby Grace each and every day, some more than others, but she is never far from my thoughts and sometimes consuming every thought I have.

I thank everyone for being a part of our lives for nearly two whole years now and I appreciate all the support we all received. I have had many, many beautiful items brought for me that will remain precious and forever treasured. Getting through the darkest days has only been possible from the strength that people around us provided for us and I only wish that one day I can re-pay that favour somehow but in a different way.

My life is easier most days now, but still missing one very big part of our lives and we can never change this no matter how hard I wish for things to be different. Losing a child ripped out a part of me and has changed me forever. I am forever walking around with an empty part of me that will never be fullfilled due to Grace not being here. I appreciate what joy she gave us in such a short time and I appreciate that I can say I have a daughter. She was and is loved forever.