“Do not judge bereaved parents.
They come in many forms.
They are breathing, but they are dying.
They may look young, but inside they have become ancient.
They smile, but their hearts sob.
They walk, they talk, they cook, they clean, they work,
they are, but they ARE NOT, all at once.
They are here, but part of them is elsewhere for eternity.”
–Author Unknown
The Journal Sentinel this year is taking on an issue we have too long ignored - the death of children before their first birthday. Infant mortality is a crisis not just of public health, but of ethics and morality. The rate at which infants die in our city is unacceptable. In 2011 we will examine the problem and point to solutions.
Did you know that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month? I'll bet not. Despite the infant mortality crisis that's been at the forefront of Milwaukee's public health news for months, the only people who have more than a cursory comprehension of what it means to lose a baby are those who've lived it.
Infant loss is nature's cruelest practical joke. It's investing all of the required time and effort into pregnancy, only to be robbed of the result. It's cradling a body that grew within your own and trying to reconcile the cold, lifeless form in your arms with your memory of the baby who turned double flips in your womb.
It's worrying that you'll forget what your child looked like and snapping an album's worth of photos that no one will ever ask to see. It's sobbing so hard you can't breathe and wondering if it's possible to cry yourself to death.
Infant loss is handing off a Moses basket to the nurse who's drawn the unfortunate duty of delivering your pride and joy to the morgue and walking out of a hospital with empty arms.
It's boxing up brand new baby clothes and buying a 24-inch casket. It's sifting through sympathy cards, willing your foolish body to stop lactating, clutching your baby's blanket to your chest in hopes of soothing the piercing ache in your heart.
It's resisting the urge to smack the clueless individuals who compare your situation to the death of their dog or who tell you you'll have another baby, as if children are somehow replaceable.
Infant loss is explaining to your 7-year-old that sometimes babies die and being stumped into silence when she asks you why. It's watching other families live out your happy ending and fighting a fresh round of grief with every milestone you miss.
It's being shut out of play groups for perpetuity. It's skipping social events with expectant and newly minted mothers because, as a walking worst-case scenario, you don't want to put a damper on the party.
It's listening to other women gripe about motherhood and realizing that you no longer relate to their petty parental complaints because, frankly, when you've buried a baby, a sleepless night with a vomiting toddler sounds something like a gift.
Infant loss is pruning from your life the friends and relatives who ignore or minimize your loss. It's recognizing that, while they may not mean to be hurtful, the fact that they don't know any better doesn't make their utter lack of empathy one whit easier to bear.
My baby girl would have been 5 years old this month. I don't know what she'd look like, what her favorite food would be. I've never had the privilege of tucking her into bed, taking her to the zoo or kissing her boo-boos. I will never watch her graduate or walk down the aisle.
Infant loss is more than an empty cradle. It's a life sentence.
Laura Schubert of New Berlin is a mother, teacher and two-time breast cancer survivor
And another month begins....September....symbolic to me as this is the month my baby would have been born and this year would have been the year she turned one.
I spoke of you on Monday with a friend from work.....her cousin just delivered a 1pound baby at 24weeks and it is unknown if the baby will survive......She said that I must know how that feels....having such uncertainty and holding such a small baby.....I said yes but you were only 210grams and I knew with certainty you were not alive when we held you......I was not being rude just making the point that it was different.......I feel for the couple that just had the baby as there will be huge decisions to make and a tiny baby there in the incubator struggling for life.........Speaking to this friend at work was the first time she has been able to talk about you.......
The other day I go the mail and there it was.....my envelope from America....knowing exactly what it was I basically ripped open the package and there it was.....my pendent, handmade, with Grace's footprint and handprint etched into it and on the reverse side was the wording Baby Grace, 21.05.2011, Precious and a tiny pink bead dangling in the middle. The prints are faint and quite fine, but also discreet and they mean the world to me which is what matters.
BEAUTIFUL!
Yah we have moved out of the month of May and into the month of June! The end of May was better than I thought thank goodness. I started the month with a lot of anxiety, putting on a smile when I really was not feeling happy and sad moments when I just wanted to be by myself. As we got through the date of Grace's birth, I found myself breathing slightly easier and feeling less anxious, still missing a piece of me but knowing this will be a 'forever' thing that I will carry.
Dear Grace
Trooping along through the month, some days have been easier than others and throw 'that time of the month' into the timing....have kept busy this weekend so tired now but been really good! 
