Sunday, September 4, 2011

A different path to walk

Sometimes but not very often, I do wonder what it would be like just to start life over.....totally new everything, walk out on what you know and start new. What would be different, what would be better, what would be worse, what would I miss, what wouldn't I miss.....I question weather I would have children, no children, a husband, no husband, friends, no friends......Would like be any better if I was walking in someone else's shoes?

I have to be grateful and happy with what I have but some days life is so much more challenging than others and some days I wonder about my choices and how I got to where I am. I wonder what my girl would be like in this life. I wonder about my choices as a mother to two boys and wonder what I could have done differently and how I could have done better. Now that C is getting older the horrible saying of "I hate you mum" is starting and that really hurts. When the children are little and they do something it is because they know no better. Now that they are getting older and wiser I worry about the future and what they will be like and if I am doing a good enough job as a mother. I love my kids and I feel so protective of them, but I do wonder if I could be doing more for them. I am constantly challenged with B and his way of parenting, different to mine, not better not worse, just different. He likes to play a lot and wind the kids up! He likes to come down really hard at times and then turns around and their 'friend' again. I try to keep everything ticking along smoothly and make sure it happens when it is meant to etc and if I get time to play with the kids that is a bonus. I get lots of cuddles however especially at bed time.

If I walked a different path would I have more pain to go through in life than I already have? Would I have had less pain? Who knows, I only know that this is my path, my journey, my 'pair of shoes' and sometimes they hurt my feet and give me blisters but they have carried me a long way and I hope to keep them for some time yet, no matter how worn out they are becoming!

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger women.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author Unknown

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