B had reminded me that finding out the baby was healthy was the main thing....
Leaving work early and meeting B at the radiology clinic...I even remember where I parked the car....I remember sweaty hands and nervous pee's in anticipation of being told if I was carrying a boy or a girl...I remember nervous and excited looks at B and wondering....I remember I had written down boy/girl on the paper for the radiographer to circle.....
We went into the room...I recognised the radiographer from the scan I had at twelve weeks and her saying that was the bounciest baby she had scanned all day......the gel went on my belly.....I sucked backed the thoughts of boy/girl boy/girl racing through my head and tryed to focus on the scan....I was asked about the growth of my first two babies and their IUGR and at what stage this happened almost straight away...didnt think anything of it at the time but do remember looking at the screen and seeing the weeks were not adding up with my due dates....the radiographer was chatty and friendly all during this time...focused a lot on the brain...thought she was just being consistent... I passed her the paper with the baby's sex on it and asked her to circle one when she saw it....towards the end of all the baby's body being scanned I was starting to think that the time had gone on far too long, nearly half an hour....she said she had to check some things out with her supervisor...she did this last time so I thought no need to worry....B commented on how long she took looking at the brain...the supervisor came back and hardly spoke to us.....very quickly she obviously saw areas of concern and pointed out to me that they were worried about the size of the baby and the kidneys....she looked straight at me and said I would have to go to the hospital and she would contact the hospital immediately and my midwife, I laughed it off a bit and said I was no stranger to the hospital and when she just stared at me I knew things were a bit serious....I asked again about the baby's sex, and she told me I would have to ask at the hospital.....she wished me well and said to wait in the waiting room for our DVD of the scan.....
B and I walked into the waiting room and I felt like I was going to collapse...I told him I had to get out of there and went to the car and then burst into tears....I knew something was not ok and it was very early in the pregnancy for the growth to already be declining....the boys stopped growing 32weeks onwards....the kidneys that was ok....there were surgeons that deal with that sort of thing weren't there?....bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy...how would I deal with school pick ups etc...I remember all of these things were running through my head.....
It took ages for the DVD, the ladies must have been discussing weather or not to give it to us and busy contacting the midwife....
I had text messages from people asking 'what sex is the baby' and I had to text back "not sure yet, baby bit small, head to hospital and know more then"...I didn't know anything more than that...I didn't want mum to know there were kidney problems too.....
Finally B came out, I bawled again and said I thought I was ok to drive home...we were in separate cars...I drove home shaking and pushing back the tears....
Arrived home and pretended everything went ok we just had to get more information from the hospital....I was lying to my mum who was there looking after the kids...she knew from the way she looked at me something else was going on....they left....I collapsed on my bed and could not stop the tears......
Midwife rang...I refused her call.... couldn't bear to speak to anyone....she called again one hour later...I listened as she told me she had the results....it was worse that I had been told....heart...bowels...growth stopped at 16weeks...brain development....my head was racing and I tried to write it all down... goggled it all later...my life was changing rapidly and spinning out of my control....I was told to expect to be asked to have an amnio....needles I hate needles....my midwife was sympathetic and careful to only say what she had to....I had to wait now until I got an appointment at the hospital for further explanations and tests.....things were grim....I knew it and I was a bloody mess.....
Hardly slept all night and when I did it was only for short times, waking to find myself hoping like anything I just woke from a nightmare...only to find that it was real and I couldn't do anything to stop it all....tears and more tears....anger....confusion....uncertainty.....
Actually thought that going to work the next day would be ok, I thought I could do it to keep busy and my mind off what was happening, pretend it wasn't happening....walked up the pathway with K and burst into tears....drove home and threw myself on the bed....rang B
said I really needed him home...I needed someone to hold...someone who knew what was going on....S text to ask really how things were, knowing something was not right....I told her briefly without really knowing myself....she arrived armed with baking and comfort.....T was in Ausie....I didn't want to tell her, knew nothing could be done...she found out and came to see us as soon as she was back...I hid what was happening from everyone else....truth was I didn't know and I didn't feel like facing or talking to anyone....I had no answers until I had been to the hospital....I spent the couple of days waiting...crying....agonising....
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