Yesterday, May 25th, one year ago was the day we had to let Grace go after only having her here in this life with us for such a short time.
I remember the day of the farewell service....waking up and thinking how the hell am I going to get through this....mum was up early as she had stayed the night and the boys were with her in the kitchen....I don't know if I ate or not.....I got dressed and put on a black skirt for formality and a top, one I had brought to wear during my pregnancy, it just seemed right to wear that.....I remember T arriving with a platter of food and helping to get things organised at home before we had people there in the afternoon....I thought about the time and that we should be with Grace but yet not wanting to leave knowing that the day would then become real and final.....C went to school that day, I don't remember who took him there....M stayed with mum and then later with Aunty D and S....
B and I drove to Pellows.... don't remember walking in or much else except sitting in the room where the service would be....we re-arranged the chairs, checked the flowers and then Grace was brought to us....I held her and kissed her over and over, talking to her and B videoed and also held Grace at moments....
I know the time moved quickly and we knew people would arrive, so we had to place Grace back into her little casket.....it was pretty and pink, picked by B....we arranged gifts around Grace from family and friends on display that later would be placed with Grace.....people starting arriving....I cant remember who was first...I just remember thinking that I had to hold it together.....the music seemed to play for ages....the celebrant who had been at our home, met with us and had been wonderful walked in and I knew then there was no turning back, no more wishing time would stop...this was happening......
The farewell ceremony was exactly how we wanted it to be...I had carefully chosen songs and written a letter to Grace, I had talked about what I wanted to be said and not said....I decided not to have our children there, watching us and seeing the pain on everyone's faces....they would be part of the farewell later on in the day when the mood was a bit lighter.....During the ceremony I remember B holding my hand so tightly...S crying so much....B's sister standing up and reading a poem, and me trying to smile at her through the tears and the pain, not really hearing the words she was saying......I tried not to look at anyone....I couldn't bear it.....
T arranged pink helium balloons and at the end of the ceremony everyone let one go while a small poem was being read out....We hugged everyone and I remember Dad being by our car, with his hand on Grace's casket, deep in grief and not being able to face anyone....we had asked to take Grace ourselves out to the crematorium so we could have her for the last few moments....I remember the drive....I wanted it to take forever....We arrived at the crematorium...we held Grace and said goodbyes to her....I then walked and got in the car telling B to drive and hurry up, I did not want to think about the next process for her....we left the cemetery saying a hello goodbye to my grandparents, my aunty and B's dad....as we drove away the rain broke slightly and a beautiful rainbow was in the sky....I still look for rainbows.....
I had a lovely talk with one of my kindy mums who asked how I was getting on, knowing that it was about the time of Graces birth date. She was so nice and I had a lovely chat with her.
Yesterday I held a baby, not so little but small enough....he was lovely and I felt like I had achieved something by holding him, on the day that one year ago I had to stop holding my baby.
S had given us a pink helium balloon as we did not have one in Taupo, and instead of releasing it, as the kids loved it, we kept it and let the children enjoy it. Last night we let off a lantern with words from myself and the boys. I also lit a candle that was lit on the day of the farewell ceremony...was hard when it came to blowing that candle out....
Precious Child by Karen Taylor Good - this is the song we had at the farewell ceremony, can find it on UTube
Another song I have also found that is beautiful - Never be forgotten by Jessica Andrews
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