I keep re-visiting the day we went for our scan, the moment we were told, the times we spent at the hospital and then the actual birth of Grace, the days we had with her and then the goodbye ceremony. There are so many moments I can recall vividally and some I really don't want to remember, and there are other moments I have no re-call of and struggle to remember what I had said or how I acted. I guess those are the times I was just trying to focus on actually breathing and getting through each moment. Back then, time was ticking away second by second and felt like we were in a tunnel of eternity, spinning and spiralling out of our control.
So weird but been having dreams and thoughts about other family members not being ok...had a dream where M drowned and I was screaming and screaming for him and we could not find him and I woke up sweaty and confused....have horrible thoughts when B is late home and travelling from out of town that a police officer will arrive on the doorstep to tell me he has been in an accident...I dreamt that C was hurt really badly and we had to decide about life support.....I worry that I may die and the kids would be left with no mother and I have not achieved everything I wanted for them in life and would miss out on their life. AGHHHH doing my head in a bit and I think it is just that you realise life is not a stable thing and can be taken from you at any time.
I am getting better about being around other babies, still have not held one but can at least admire them from their car seat or in their mothers arms. I have been able to move into days where I think of Grace every day, but not every second and that is ok because I also have to focus on other moments in my life. I am clearer in my thinking and can actually remember what people are saying to me instead of seeing their lips move and not really listen to what is being said. The screaming in my head has dulled on most days, and only some moments that happens. I am moving along with life, missing a huge part of what could have been in my life and forever changed but trying my best to live, and treasure what I have.