So today the month of May begins.....
My first thoughts are with 'P' who tommorow will be focusing on the day her baby was born one year ago. She was dreading the day and has been going through varying thoughts so big hugs to her.
I know this will be a month of re-living moments, remembering Grace and how she was our baby and moments of wishing, guilt, sadness and focusing on getting through those moments. I want to be happy, I want to be ok and will try hard to be, but I know I also have to allow myself time, time to think, reflect, grieve and regain focus.
People say time heals, it does....however time is sometimes fast and sometimes slow. I feel like time has helped heal the wound; at first the wound was a gash wide open, bleeding and bloody painful with a lot of tears and inner screaming, not knowing how it would heal and knowing it would leave a mark.....as time goes on the blood stops, the wound heals over and leaves a scar, every now and then you look at that scar and you have a reminder to flash you back to the original hurt and once again you are thinking, remembering and wondering how you ever got to this point of almost feeling mostly ok again.
Mostly I am ok, mostly I can focus on daily living now, mostly I can walk the day without crying and focusing on my life as it is now. I think of Grace every day, sometimes a lot and it takes up a lot of time, sometimes I think of her a little bit and it takes up a little bit of time.
So today went well anyway for the first day of the month of May! Early this morning S text me a lovely text about being here for me this month in particular. I went shopping with T, yah love shopping and I drank coffee and ate sushi which I also love to do. I kept busy and after supermarket shopping with T, we all had tea together.
Grace is never far from thoughts, mine and other peoples. Today T asked about Graces due date during a conversation, S and mum went shopping and have brought a flowering cherry tree which I have been wanting for ages. B talked about when we found out that Grace was not ok at our scan. Last week T asked me about going to see a physic that we know, and asked if it was ok to book me in this month, May 20th.
Our holiday away last week was lovely, time out and being by the beach...can see why people want to live there! My sister and her daughter came with us so was nice with them spending time doing a bit of shopping, time on the beach, walks and relaxing.
We will go away for Graces birth date and am thinking about how to make it a day that will be hard but special for both Grace and our family. It is a mixed feeling of being really upset and angry we dont have a baby to celebrate her first birthday with and forever more but also having to ensure the day is 'special' for us. I wish it didn't have to be this way, never in a million years would I have thought we would be talking about our baby being in heaven and how to make Grace's birth date one to remember...however she was and is part of our family, therefore never to be forgotten and will forever be cherished by us. I do not expect people to understand this, or to even try to, I just want people to know that I do my best to face each day, but f0rever I am changed and forever I am still a mum who does not have her baby girl.
So onwards from here, and taking it day by day and focusing on life and living it and remembering the good, even though it is hard to do a bit at the moment.
So be prepared for a month of long blog entries!