The due date

Well today marks the day that my baby Grace was due. I know that chances are she would have been here earlier this month.

I found yesterday really good because it was filled with distraction with family and friends around all day, but last night hit, the reality crept in and I lost it....everyone bore the brunt of my emotions last night...anger and sadness! Was trying to pack for today, B wasn't helping, kids were fighting and I was thinking about today and my mind started whirling.

I spent a lot of time thinking last night and tried my best not to let the 'horrible' side creep in with thoughts of me being the one that actually stopped Grace from being here and the process we went through. I had to pull myself out of that because I know that I could have done nothing at all to prevent what happened and me catching the virus was just terrible timing and 'shit bad luck'. I wish there was something I could take to 'change how you feel so intensely' (but not prozac!). So anyway I had to re-focus on what lies ahead and with the weekend away being a time to remember the good and be with family!

I guess some people expect you 'to get over it' and 'to move on' but this will never happen. You learn to get through the day and you learn to make things ok on the surface. And most of the time I have to be honest and it all is ok and time does heal but other times the pain is so much that it is intense and a huge sense of longing is constantly there, longing for the baby that you do not any longer have, longing for what was meant to be.

S was talking about an interview on tv with a lady that I knew from childcare, and she has about 9 children and has mis-carried 4 babies and she was saying how people commented that "well you have other children so what's the big deal". By having other children, I do have to say that it makes you feel extra lucky to have them and honored to be their parent and they are what gets you through the darkest days because you have them to take care of and they love you un-conditionally. But it still does not take away the pain of the loss of the baby. For those people that do not have any children, I think that this would be even harder.

I went to see 'P' the other night and that was good for both of us. She is feeling much better and coping with days with more strength. We both shared things about our similar but different journeys and offered each other support and understanding. I am still not going to attend support meetings like she does and I feel lucky enough to have people around me to lean on.

'P' told me about the Ronald McDonald Retreat house and said that she has been accepted due to losing a child and that we can apply also. The timing of being told this was kinda strange....my due date is nearly here and it was at the Ronald McDonald Retreat house that I found out I was pregnant! Weird timing!

Mum had said she had mentioned the house to me but I could not remember. That is one thing about these past months that has been hard to cope with also, not remembering things when I was told them and forgetting simple tasks at home and at work. I described it to 'P' as foggy headed and she had the same thing and we both decided it is obviously due to stress, the bodies way of coping and you cope with what you have to with the day to day things and anything over and above is blocked.

Well time to go and pack the car and be on our way for our time away. We have a lantern to light today to send up to Grace, and I am taking some other special items to keep that closeness there in remembrance.

Grace, I love you, I miss you and I always think of you every day. I wish I could have you back and have you here with us. You are always part of our family, my daughter, my baby girl. Forever loved, forever cherished and forever our precious angel.

Love Mummy

How did you spend this time? What did you do to cherish your baby?

At last the month is nearly over

Gosh this month has been a long month! I keep wanted it to be over and gone but knowing this wont change anything but hoping it will be easier. Struggling a bit at the moment and trying to put on that happy face and keep myself above board but sinking when I am alone...which is fine because I have to grieve and this is the time that I knew would be really hard. I am just really 'teary' a lot and having a lot of 'moments'. There is not a lot that anyone can do. Particularly close friends and close family are doing everything they can that they know how to help me which is so lovely and so much appreciated! I hope they do know just how much they are valued and their input into my life has helped me so much.

I ran into my midwife in the weekend (talk about timing) and she gave my a huge hug and a look of 'how the hell are you doing - concern' as she knew what had happened with the hospital muck up and the timing of this month. She was great to talk to but the whole time I just felt like bawling! And to top it all off while talking to her a work mates sister walked past with her newborn baby girl and a couple came up to see my midwife with a newborn baby.

I try my best to be positive about all these other babies born around me and I am happy for the people who recently had babies (and all girls too).

I am going to see 'P' tommorow night so no doubt that will be a bit hard and emotional but we are in the 'same exclusive club'.....the one we didn't sign up for, are members for life, cant be removed from the list, don't ever have to pay memberships fee's for, the list keeps increasing over time and one that we didn't have a choice about being in! We are both supporting each other and both need support in different ways and it is good for us to be able to share things with each other also.

Things will get easier, this is just the hardest part and I am riding the storm as such and making it over the waves that keep crashing at the moment!!! Really looking forward to getting away later this week and being with B and my kids! Roll on Thursday 30th September.......

Dear baby girl

My baby girl

I love you and I miss you.

My heart aches,

To have you back,

To hold you, to cuddle you.

The time is near,

When you should have been here.

You were created in love

And you grew inside safe for just a short time.

We loved you even before we met you,

We made plans for you, and for our lives.

At 19 weeks old, we got the shocking news,

And we will never be the same again.

Your poor wee body was damaged,

Your chance at life so very bleak.

We didn't want you to struggle or to put you through pain,

So decisions were made with our hearts torn in pieces.

We loved you so much but had to let you go.

I just wanted to wake up and find it was all not true.

The time blurred with emotion, grief and pain.

Your delivery was fairly easy but filled with anticipation and sorrow.

We met you with feelings of intense longing and overwhelming love.

You body was tiny, oh so tiny,

And your features so perfectly formed.

I willed you to cry, to open your eyes and to be ok,

I wanted a miracle, I wanted you so badly to keep.

You were blessed by the Chaplin, a verse was said.

You were dressed in a gown too tiny for a doll.

We held you and didn't want to ever let you go.

Nanny came to meet her granddaughter,

And to pass on her love.

We talked to you and we cried together,

But most of all we poured our love into our tiny sleeping baby.

The next few days were spent creating memories,

And focusing on what lay ahead.

We brought you home for the short time we could.

Your brothers met you, held you and spent time with you.

Every time I held you I was in awe

Of my baby girl, my daughter,

My girl I always dreamed of,

Here she was in palm of my hand.

I was angry and sad and just couldn't understand why....

Why us?

Why my baby girl?

Why couldn't I have her healthy and forever?

We did all that we could,

To farewell you with family and friends around.

We wanted to honor your life and your memory.

We made everything pretty and pink.

We said our farewells, until we met you again.

We hope you are playing with angels and happy.

Time moves on, people move on.

But we will never, ever forget you.

You have changed our lives in such a big way.

You are forever cherished and loved by us all.

I would do anything to have you back.

I am a bit empty and lost without you,

And nothing will ever fill this space.

You will always be our baby girl,

Our third child,

A sister

A daughter

And a grand-daughter.

You will always be in our hearts and memories.

You are my precious child, baby Grace, my angel forever

xoxoxoxo

Lots of lots endless love

From Mummy and family

My angel

Grace Mary-Kay

Born May 21st 2010

Family support

I owe credit to my family who through everything have been so strong and have continually provided support. I think they deserve their own blog entry!

My mum was with us through every day that we needed her, she basically moved into our house to take care of the boys and the housework. Every time I talked to her I broke down and she stayed so very strong and didn't once judge me, influence me or do anything other than offer help and advice. I really needed her and she helped me immensely. Even now she has trouble looking at the photos of Grace and has been unable to read this blog so I hope in time that gets easier for her. Every now and then she talks about Grace and it is always in a gentle or peaceful way. She knew how much I was wanting a girl and I can tell she really felt for me. Mum continue to take care of M while I work and her bond with my children is loving and re-assuring. She would do anything for her children!

My dad has been what I would describe as the strong silent type! He struggled to talk to me, to look at me and didn't know what to say like most people. He nearly broke down when he saw me after we had found out the news. His pain has been deeper than I thought it would be and he has held a lot in. He often visits us on Fridays after work, bringing treats for the boys and hoping for a nice coffee! He has an extra close bond with C in particular so together they do things that interest them both. If my dad is able to read this blog at some time....I don't think he will thank me for the photo I have added of him.....oh well I liked it!

My sister A has been great with picking up C and taking him to school for me and she never once complains! Throughout the really tough time, I don't think she knew how to even look at me and as time passed this has gone now. C would have missed many days of school had it not been for her.

My other sister S understands in her own way what has happened and when she was told she was extremely upset. We no longer mention Grace around her as it is all a bit too much for her to take in.

My brother, well much like my father, the strong silent type! He didn't say much but sympathy was passed on and he even was struggling with coming to the farewell ceremony. I felt for him as he was expecting baby N and it was a difficult time for him.

There is also the extended family, B's family, friends and work mates that have been so supportive and wonderful also...T, S....maybe they will feature in their own blog also! I just wanted to pay my family credit however as they are my family and will always be family. No matter how much they can annoy you at times, they are wonderful and they need to be treasured.....we just never know how long we have each other for! Love you all and thanks so very much for all that you have done for me throughout my life and for the time to come.

A very long month

Seriously how many baby girls can be born this month, how many mums at work can announce their pregnancy and how many days can this month take to be over! I believe it must be like when you buy a new blue car and then suddenly all you see around you is new blue cars.

I knew this month would be tricky with all the announcements of the girls I know of having their baby girls and just to make things harder we have mums at kindy popping up all over the place announcing their pregnancy or finding out that the baby they are carrying is a girl.

It feels like this is one of the longest months of my life. I know that when this month is over, things won't change and things will never be the same again, but I know that I will be past the one and only due date of having Grace and know that I can't hold that baby girl of mine when I should have been. I miss her, I want her back but I know that will obviously never happen and that I just cant have her.

Had a rude encounter with the hospital the other day regarding me not making my appointment and I have requested that they send the results, if there are any from the placenta, to my doctor or send me a letter. I just cant face going there this month. Maybe the next month.....

Looking forward to getting away for our holiday but hoping the weather will be ok. Really want to spend some time on the beach just relaxing and hanging out.

Heard from 'P' today and she is still not doing so well. She has looked into some anti-depression natural medication and that is helping a bit. Will go and see her this weekend for a talk. It is so weird that we went through the same thing, and yet even I feel at a bit of a loss how to help her. All I can do is be here when she needs it.

I saw someone I went to school with and she lost a niece to a brain tumour ( I taught this little girl and she was sweet, adorable and fought a brave battle with cancer) and she told me how she was sorry to hear what happened and that life does go on but with sadness in it. I said that what they went through with 'C' would have been very very heart wrenching and tragic and she said that "any loss of a child is a loss, regardless of the circumstances, you grieve differently and have different viewpoints, but you still lose the future and your child" which was so very true! I thanked her for her compassion and understanding.

C asks lots about Grace and asks questions and some I just can not answer, there is no answer. All I can do is be honest with him and try to tell him what we know.

I can not accept the theory that everything happens for a reason. I firmly believe that life just has good and bad and you don't really ever know what is coming or why it happens. You can try to see good in bad situations but reality is for me that sometimes I find this difficult. People have said that my strength shone through and it shows how strong your family and other relationships are, however I still don't believe that I needed to lose my baby in order for me to see these things. Life has to go on, I have to look for the good in it and I have to embrace the positive or I will crumble. If I crumble, my family around me will crumble. I have to be here for them. I tell myself this all the time.

My baby girl Grace, I love you and miss you. I hope you know how much we love you and will always love you and think about you. I wish I million trillion wishes that I could have you back. I ache to hold you, to hear you cry, to see you play. I can only dream how you would have looked and how you would have grown. I can only dream about your first steps, first boyfriend and your wedding day. I can only dream about how life would have changed right about now and we would have been.

Forever in my heart, precious baby of mine, Grace Mary-Kay.

Lots of love mummy

Any time now my Grace would have been born

Well today marks the day that Grace would likely have been born, or at least some time this week...going from

the boys they were a month early so she probably would have been too. My actual due date is 30th September so this is the time we are heading away on holiday. There are little reminders that pop up...such as my dairy today was marked with big circles and my date to finish work this Wednesday....forgetting that I had done that ages ago and not seeing it until today.

Mum and M planted some forget-me-not's the other week, in memory of Grace and to have them flowering for this month and hooray they just came out in flower the other day. Tiny wee blue/purple flowers that I can see each day! Awesome thanks mum and M!

B made me lunch today so that was a nice reminder of his protection over me and without having to say that he was thinking of me and just showing me that he does. Pretty hard for him at the moment...poor B he cops it when I am in my roller coaster ride....he has nicknamed me "yo yo" for being so up and down. He knows when I am down and he knows just to give me space and time out which is often what I need to have time to cry, remember and to be totally by myself.

Every day I go over and over in my head, Grace would have been due now, I could have been complaining about back ache and not sleeping by now, we would have had the babies room and everything ready to go now etc etc. I think that in time I will move on from this, but for now and especially for this month I will go over and over the same thoughts.

I have met up with a lady whom I will refer to as "P" to protect her privacy and she went through the same journey as I have and it was only a short time before me. I really feel for her at the moment as she does not appear to have much support or family around her and this week is her due date. I have offered her support and been there for her to talk to and share her photos with which is all I can do really.

That is one big thing I have learnt that no-one else can walk this journey for you, no-one else truly knows the depth of the pain, the on-going grief and ability to get through the day with smiles on your face unless they have experienced this type of loss themselves. I was asked if I thought I was worse off or better off than someone who lost an older child and to be honest I can not comment on that. I refuse to try to 'score' where the pain lies as I really can't say as I only know one pain, one journey, one loss and that is what we went through. Everyone grieves differently, some openly and some closed off. Some people seek support through through many avenues and it really comes down to what 'assists' that individual person and their circumstances. Some people find it just to hard to look at photos of their baby and yet I myself have to have the photos or else I would feel even more lost. I need to be able to talk about Grace, have mementos around to symbolise the love I already had for her and that fact that I will never ever let her memory go. I do not believe you ever 'get over' losing a baby and you learn how to 'get through' time with losing a baby, living each day for what it is and appreciating people and things around you a little bit more. I would describe the 'moving on' as first of all getting through from one minute to the next, then getting through the hours, then getting through the days. You are still the same person, but you do feel a little bit more empty and a bit lost sometimes. There is a song on the radio at the moment that in the chorus is "I feel a little bit lost without you and a bloody big mess inside" which is how it does feel sometimes now, but all the time at the beginning. At first you feel very alone and as time passes you talk more and find out more about other people who have had losses also and you can relate to their loss. I tend to think the little things really are 'little things' and why did I used to make such a big deal out of them! You think lots more about life and how precious it is and I think about my other children and B more and how I am a bit scared about losing them too.

I heard today about a lady who was on her fourth attempt at IVF and at 17weeks they have lost the baby. Now she went to hospital, had a D&C (D&C stands for Dilation and Curettage. What it means in actual terms is that the neck of the cervix is dilated and the contents of the uterus (womb) are scraped out with a surgical instrument called a curette) and my heart just went out to her and I really thought hard about my journey and what we experienced. Going through labour initially was bloody scary and actually a horrible thought, however it ended up being a reasonably 'graceful' arrival our baby, we got to met her, hold her, take photos of her and bring Grace home to meet the family. Now that poor lady didn't get any of that and although she knew she was having a boy, she does not even get to see his face, dress him, have him blessed like we did and she walks away even more empty handed than what we did.

We went to S and R's in the weekend and received a lovely gift from them that S had seen and thought it would be right for me.Beautiful inspirational quotes relating to angels and funnily enough today I knew I needed to start them, was actually thinking about the forget-me-not flowers and thinking I had to tell mum they had flowered, and the quote today said:Although it is not referring to the actual flower, I thought this was pretty cool to read the same words of something I was thinking about! Thank you, a beautiful thoughtful idea and for your care and concerning words lately! Oh and I am also so happy that my rose from S and R that we received in May and had produced one tiny rose, has taken off again with new growth which I am so relieved about...not so good at keeping flowers going!

While I am paying tribute....T gifted me a lovely glass cube the other day with an image of an angel holding. I cant really take a photo to show what it looks like but it is really nice and special so thanks T for that too!
I am so very lucky to have people around me who do care, have shown concern and asked how I am or have been happy to talk about Grace. V emailed me to check up the other day also with a lovely message and this is just something that I often get, people showing concern and making me get through this with support. I went to see my Aunty yesterday and she had given me a book a while ago "children of the spirit world" and she hugged me, told me to never ever feel guilty and that Grace will be watching over us and with us every day! People don't have to say much, or do much to get me misty eyed but it all means so much! I really am very lucky to have such wonderful people around me and my family and with everyone honouring Grace as 'real' baby that did have life and was important.

Dear Baby Grace

I love you baby girl a thousand times over and over. I know that your life just could not be with ours and I could not bear the thought of you having to battle through life and not live it and enjoy it. I hope that you are happy, playing and watching over your family and know that we all love you and would have cherished you if we could have kept you with us. We cherish you now with tiny gestures to show our devotion and rememberence of your life. Your passing brought such sorrow but such 'Grace' into our lives and I remember you, honour you, and want you back all the time. I think of you and dream of how you may have been, the ballet classes I could have taken you too, the fights you would have had with your brothers, the extra noise with all the family around but I think most of all how beautiful you would be. Please know you are special and will always be my first baby girl, never to be forgotten or replaced ever. A million hugs and kisses to you

xoxoxoxo

Love Mummy.

Facts about CMV

Well went on a mission yesterday to find out some information about CMV the virus I caught and what led us down this track. I was hoping not to find any 'good' information which sounds weird I know but makes me feel better about what we did and the course we took. Basically after a while reading and searching, I did feel better and know that Grace really had no chance in her lifetime as a healthy baby, which is what the specialist told us, but I wanted to confirm things for myself I guess as a reassurance. I guess this is all part of me seeking some answers and part of the grief process, have been through the anger and the constant searching for someone/something to blame and that does not help at all. I did refine my search to where I probaly go the virus from and once again that really does not help in anyway, it is just me being me and searching out for answers.


Transmission of CMV can occur at any stage of pregnancy, and severe
damage to the developing fetus occurs when CMV
circulates in the mothers blood, and reaches the uterus
to infect the placenta and the baby. Placental and fetal
infections frequently cause stillbirths, or maldevelopment
of the fetus, depending on the time of infection. The virus
damages host cells by entering the cell with specific
surface viral proteins that bind to particular host
proteins.

Cytomegalovirus (CMV) is an opportunistic pathogen
that can cause infection at any time during the course of
a lifetime and constitutes an important cause of
intrauterine infection and death in newborns

Cytomegalovirus (CMV) is a common viral infection that usually causes no symptoms or mild flu-like symptoms in infected children and adults. CMV is a member of the herpes virus family. It is most common in young children. About half of pregnant women have had CMV in the past and most do not need to be concerned about it during pregnancy (1). However, an infected woman can pass the virus on to her baby during pregnancy and breastfeeding. Most infected babies have no serious problems from the virus (1, 2). In a minority of cases, though, infected newborns develop serious illness or lasting disabilities, or even die.

How is CMV spread?
CMV can be passed from person to person through contact with infected body fluids, such as saliva, mucus, urine and blood. It also can be transmitted sexually or through infected blood products.
Pregnant women can pass the virus to their babies before or during birth. Breastfeeding moms can pass the virus to their baby through breastmilk. However, babies who become infected from breastfeeding rarely have any serious problems from the virus (1, 2).
Up to 20 percent of babies with CMV symptoms die (3, 4). About 80 to 90 percent of survivors develop serious disabilities, such as mental retardation, cerebral palsy, or vision and hearing loss
Which women are at highest risk of passing CMV on to their babies?
A woman who contracts CMV for the first time during pregnancy has about a 1-in-3 chance of passing the virus on to her fetus (1). A woman can pass CMV on to her baby at any stage of pregnancy. However, studies suggest that babies are more likely to develop serious complications when their mother is infected in the first 20 weeks of pregnancy

Like other viruses in the herpes family, CMV stays in the body after symptoms disappear. Occasionally the disease reactivates. However, only about 1 percent of fetuses become infected when their mother has a recurrent infection (1, 5). When these babies do become infected, they rarely develop any serious CMV-related problems
How can a pregnant woman help prevent CMV infection?
Women can help reduce their risk of CMV by practicing careful hygiene. This is especially important for women with young children at home or those who work with young children (such as child care workers). As many as 70 percent of children between 1 and 3 years of age who attend day care may have the virus in body fluids and can pass it on to their families or caretakers (2).
To help prevent CMV, pregnant women should (1):
• Wash their hands thoroughly after any contact with urine, nasal secretions and saliva of young children, including after changing diapers, wiping noses or drool, and picking up toys
• Avoid kissing young children on the mouth or cheek
• Avoid sharing food, drinking glasses and eating utensils with young children
Pregnant health care workers who may be in contact with infected patients, including newborns, also should practice good hygiene. They should follow the universal precautions recommended in medical settings for handling potentially contaminated materials. Medical or child care workers may want to get tested before pregnancy to see if they have had CMV in the past. If they have already had CMV, they have little cause for concern during pregnancy. Child care workers who have never been infected (or have not been tested), should try to limit close contact with children younger than 2½ years of age (1). Routine screening for all pregnant women is not recommended

Tests and treatments
Pregnant women who have previously been infected with CMV, do not necessarily have immunity against future CMV infections. However, the unborn baby is less likely to be affected if their mother has been previously infected. Testing for CMV during pregnancy is difficult. A blood test for IgG and IgM antibodies may show 'positive' shortly after being infected, with the IgM disappearing several months later (the IgG antibody stays positive forever). If you test positive only for IgG, but not IgM, that means your infection happened more than several months ago. If you test positive for IgG and IgM, then your infection was more recent. A single high IgG level (or titre) does not show if the infection is new (primary), or a re-infection (secondary), but a rising titre shows the infection has been recent. It takes about 24-36 hours to get results. A current infection may also be detected through laboratory testing of a urine or saliva sample.

There are no treatments or vaccinations available for CMV.

Clinical Case
A twenty-seven-year-old primigravid woman had an ultrasound examination at twenty-four weeks gestation because her uterus was smaller than expected for dates. Of note, the placenta was moderately thickened, measuring 4.8 cm in diameter. The amniotic fluid volume was in the low-normal range. The estimated fetal weight was in the 15th percentile for gestational age, and the fetal bowel was highly echogenic.

No other abnormalities were noted. Upon detailed questioning, the patient indicated that she had had a prolonged “flu-like” illness at approximately fourteen weeks’ gestation. No treatment had been administered for this illness. The patient presently works as a pre-school teacher.

What is the most likely explanation for the ultrasound findings noted above? What are the most appropriate steps in the evaluation of this patient?
If fetal infection is confirmed, the stage of pregnancy at which it occurred, viral load in the amniotic fluid and evidence of fetal abnormality or growth retardation on ultrasound examination may aid in considering termination of pregnancy.?

Of the approximately 40% of fetuses that become infected, 10% of
neonates show symptoms of congenital CMV infections after primary
maternal infection at birth. The brain, eyes, liver, spleen, blood,
and skin are at risk for problems. Long-term effects may include
sensorineural hearing loss, mental retardation, developmental delay,
and visual impairment. Of the remaining 90% with asymptomatic (no
evidence of disease at birth) congenital infection, 5-15% are at risk
to develop some of the long-term effects.

I have made a link previously to a lady who's website I was following all about her journey through her loss of a baby and A my sister in law has brought the book and handed it on to me. Check out her tribute to her daughter on u-tube link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CnUtVY35o
Also written by this mum and performed by her husband and family friend is the song that is on the video and the lyrics for the song are as follows; bit religious, but beautiful and so well written
THE LYRICS FOR THE SONG: I will carry you by Selah.

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…

I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you

I read this book entirely in three hours and spent the time relating to her pain and her suffering, while crying about my own loss. One of the biggest differences between myself and this lady, was her decision to carry the baby until the end of the pregnancy knowing that they may only have a few short minutes with her baby that was going to soon after pass away. I am in awe of her strength and determination and recognised that her dedication to God was what got her through that.

I however choose a different path to this and with B's support and no other judgements from anyone, we went for the medical termination which I hate the idea of, the fact we went through it and the entire situation was just awful. However we were told that the chance of carrying Grace until full term would not happen, and that medical intervention would happen once she was 24 weeks and to me seeing a baby fight for her life with all the damage she had done, would have been harder and more heart wrenching that what we actually did. We were told that there was such a slim chance she would survive with her growth restriction, heart, bowels and brain damage she would have had many issues in life. I have worked with children who have special needs and I see the daily struggle that their families and the child go through, and although in most cases there is a tremendous amount of love there is also constant decisions, medical requirements, stress, cost and devastation which I felt I could not put my family or a baby through.

I had a choice, not a very good one and by no means an easy one, but we choose what we did and now I have to live with that forever.

I will always question if we did the 'right' thing and will never ever know, just like I will never know why we had to lose a baby. I cant accept that 'everything happens for a reason' as there as so many other caring wonderful people out there suffering and facing loss every day and other 'shits' who cause constant kaos in the world.

I know that B and I gave Grace a beautiful farewell and are doing everything possable to keep her memory in a special place for us. I thank all the people around me who allow me to talk about Grace and ask how we are doing. I am grateful for the short time I did have with Grace and for the photo's we have and the beautiful little gifts we have to keep as reminders of her short life with us. It is amazing that I can love someone so much, have had her touch my life so much and those around me, and for me to miss Grace so much considering the short time that I carried her. I only have memories of my pregnancy and the few short days we had with Grace, however she will forever be my child, my daughter, my baby and my angel.

A poem and a bead from T

Well the other night I was happy but sad after a beautiful gesture from T. I received a poem and and a present. The poem was written by T along with some 'help' as T puts it, from Grace. She felt that she really wanted to write a poem, and after sourcing some of the wording, T wrote the second half and then presented me with it, along with a beautiful bead that is pink and sparkly and has slights twists in it. T described the bead as being not perfectly round because life has its twists and turns and she wanted me to have the bead as a special gift for the time that Grace is due.

I will include a photo of my bracelet, with the beads that I have on it now; pink hearts relating to Graces birth and actual life, a G for Grace, ballet slippers from S and R linking to Grace and that she would have done ballet, pink twisty bead from T relating to life having its twists, the letters C and M linking to C and M, a ring linking to Band a pretty pink bead I brought myself for my birthday.

Thank you so much T! Even just putting this onto the blog, has brought a tear to my eye with the wording!


Dear Mummy
Angels called my name so gently, that only I could hear.
No one heard the footsteps, of angels drawing near.
Softly from the shadows there came a gentle call,
I closed my eyes and went to sleep, and quietly left you all.
But don’t forget I’m always near, I always hear my name,
I feel the pain that saddens you, but I’m still so glad I came.
The feeling of undying love, which I always feel from you,
I love your smile your special touch, in everything you do
The angel box, our special stone, my footprints on the wall,
These things I love so very much, my memory to recall.
About this time I should have been held within your arms,
Staring into your bright blue eyes soaking up your charm,
Instead I’ve left my memory for everyone to share,
A life of love and tenderness and a thousand tears
My love for you will never die; it will blossom year by year
And when your time on earth is up I’ll be waiting here.
Love you Mummy xxoo Grace

I give you this to put the sparkle back in your eye
And every time you think of me you will smile and not cry xxx

A family holiday

Well after heaps of talking about it with B I have finally booked us three nights away at Mount Maunganui at the time of Grace's due date. I want to remember this date as a special family time and have something really fun and nice to look forward to over the coming weeks.

I am finding it a bit tough with up-coming babies being born that were all due around the same time, people I know and they are having baby girls also. At work I have three mums that are having their babies and also one that just had hers five weeks early. I don't have any resentment against any of 'pregie people' as this was something I was asked, I just wish them well and hope they know how lucky they are to be having a baby, along with the sleepless nights, challenges and all the joys of a newborn and years to come!

I could have been having my baby anytime from early September (going from the two boys being early with placenta problems) through to my actual due date of September 30th 2010. So I have also planned weekends with things to do and places to go so that we are busy and keeping the time enjoyable and family focused.

With that all said, Grace is never far from my thoughts, I still wish every day I had her back and would give anything to have her back, however I know that she could not have survived with the damage that was done to her tiny body from the infection. I still ache for her and wonder about how she would have looked, how she would have been with her brothers and how she would have grown and changed. C did a beautiful and very special scrapbook page about Grace the other day and I will share that once I have taken a photo of it. Really awesome!

So I am not really looking forward to the roller-coaster of emotions I know I will not be able prevent over the next few months, however I am looking forward to the family holiday and some time away just focusing on being a family and taking care of each other!

Hand and foot moulds

Horay and thank goodness, finally after just over eight weeks, we received our framed hand and foot moulds that were taken of Grace, from a company. Bit of a delay and lots of nervous moments from me regarding why it was taking so long but they are beautiful and a priceless treasure of how tiny Grace's hands and feet were. We also have a plaque with the moulds with Grace's full name, time and date of birth and the sentence "we love you forever precious girl".

I also made a canvas a few weeks ago with the canvas that the nurse and midwife did the prints from Grace's hands and feet. Pretty and pink!

Small items but things that are keeping me going through this fog. I can create items for Grace and it helps me remember her and honour her. I cant believe that this is my life now. I cant believe that this is what life is like and I am surviving but with so much heartache and sorrow. I dont want to be doing this, I dont want to be in this life without my child, I want her here and I want my baby with me every day, every moment, except I am walking without her every day, every moment.

Audrey Caroline

This family have lost a little one and have written a book and have a website http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/01/beginning-of-story.html

I was given this website from B's sister and have only just had the chance to really read through what this family experienced.

A different journey but with the same heartbreaking loss of losing a child. A religious family who sought comfort from God, so a lot of what Caroline writes is based on her beliefs, however a lot of what she wrote related to how i felt also. I have copied and pasted some of her words:

Here is the little girl we have been loving for months...rejoice with us on this day. She is healed, and she has filled our lives with joy.

I cannot believe how much this hurts.

I don't know how to even get out of bed in the morning, or to answer phone calls, or explain to my children for the 100th time why baby Audrey will not sleep in the crib that we have had set up for months. I feel like I may not get through this pain in one piece. And all the while, I don't want to burden people, I don't want them to feel like they have to make it better because that is a losing battle. It won't be better.

It's easier to let people feel the strength than it is to be in pieces, begging for mercy.

It's easier to talk about the possibility of healing than it is to face the fact that she may not be healed.

This sweet baby girl, so much a part of our family, we want to respect her life in the most glorifying, beautiful way. We want to choose the best for her in any situation where we have a choice. We are all in love with her...how do you plan to lose someone who has already become a part of you? As we near what may be the end of the journey, we weep for our loss and heaven's gain. I ordered a "resting gown" for Audrey the other day because I suddenly realized that we would have nothing to bury her in.

We had a really hard day on Tuesday. It started out by going to a funeral home and choosing a resting place for our little girl. No mother should ever have to walk around and stare at tombstones while her child hiccups and shifts within her. It was the most unnatural, horrible feeling I can think to describe. As we met with the director, we made our agenda clear. She nodded the nod that means that she didn't really understand. She told me how difficult this must all be for me, and yes, I agreed that it was. For some reason, though, I was handling it better than I thought I would. I had dreaded this moment so much, and now that I was in it, it wasn't what I thought it would be.

I think she wondered how someone could be going through all of this and not be hysterical. It's not that I don't cry...I cry several times a day. Sometimes to the point where I can't breathe and I just feel like I am drowning. But not here. Not about this. She asked a few more emotional questions to lead me into the "deep place" where they must try and help people get to. As we flipped through catalogs, it started to make sense in my mind..somewhere between the gravestones and the "cadillac of caskets," I felt that voice rising up within me that doesn't settle back down until it is heard.

We are all just doing the best we can, minute-by minute, to love our sweet Audrey well. We talk to her all day long. Sometimes I just take a bath and tell her all about what swimming is like, or what it's like to be on the beach in the hot sun. I tell her about my favorite poets, my favorite memories of childhood, my love for God and for her daddy. The two of us have covered much ground in this sacred dance we call pregnancy. I feel bonded to her in a way I never did with my others, because I know this is all I have. And yet there is so much I can never give her.

I want her to know that I was funny. That I would have come at 3:00 in the morning if she got scared and needed a ride. That I would have loved to have had the sound of her children floating through my house as I got older. I wanted to try and fit a lifetime of love into a few short months, and as we approach the end of the road, it occurs to me that there isn't enough time to tell her everything.

I cry for you often. I miss the smell of your skin and your perfect little nose. My arms ache from emptiness. I tell your daddy all the time that I just want to hold you again. I cannot see to write these words because my eyes overflow with the tears of a mother who has been asked to give her daughter away. I knew I would love you when I met you. I knew you would become a part of me. What I didn't know was that instead of feeling like it was a brief encounter, I feel like the world stood still. He somehow gave us an entire lifetime of memories in such a short time. I didn't feel like I lost a baby, I felt like I said goodbye to someone I had always known, who had been my daughter for years and years. Even now, as I write, it seems impossible that you were only with us for 2 1/2 hours. Thank you Lord, for giving us all the time we could have asked for with her. The clock was insignificant... we knew her deeply, a lifetime's worth.

Today I am broken. I feel like I am in the midst of intense spiritual warfare. The Blogger people unfroze me yesterday, and I sat down to write after the kids were in bed. I stared at the screen for about an hour, just crying and trying to stretch my fingers across the letters to form something that would tell you what I am feeling. I finally closed my computer and went to sleep, only to toss and turn for most of the night. When I did sleep, it was filled with images of Audrey, but they always unfolded differently. In one, I was screaming at the sky while people all around me told me that I wasn't loud enough. They kept telling me that if I screamed at the top of my lungs, God would let me have her back. He would drop her from the sky. And so, in my dream, I stood with my arms outstretched to the heavens, believing. Then I remember crumpling up on the ground in tears, knowing that I wasn't enough. I couldn't do what I needed to do to save her. I woke up in the throes of helplessness, my bed soaked with sweat. In another dream, I was away from home and had a feeling that something was wrong with her. I called Todd to check in and he told me that she had died, and that we had both missed her memorial service. I would wake up every few minutes, sometimes grabbing at my stomach to see if she was still there, or if any of it was true. Of course, on every occasion, I eventually remembered.

I feel like I am constantly releasing her, reminding myself that it is really happening. She is gone.
What I have in that moment is the blanket that she was wrapped in for most of her life.
What I have are the pictures of her sweet face.
What I have is a beautiful necklace that a stranger sent to me with all of my daughters' initials on it.
What have is a scar, five inches long, which tells me that she lived here not so long ago.
What I do not have is my daughter. And that loss is deeper than anything I could put on paper. It is concrete, definitive, gaping. It is my new life.

There is much too much to fit here…I feel like I am walking around in a dream most of the time. The last 2 weeks have been some of the hardest I have ever experienced. I am still sifting the moments, the memories, and the loss. Trying to figure out where it all goes in my life, and how in the world I am supposed to watch my kids play at the park and not just blurt out, "I just lost my daughter" to all the other mommies. What is this new life I have been given? In time, I know it will begin to make sense. We will learn what to say when people ask how many children we have. We will learn to fall asleep on a dry pillow. We will remember how to love fully, without fear of losing the one thing we can't stand to lose. We will.

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you

I will permanently bear the mark of a woman who has lost her child. There are many of us walking here...in the grocery store, at the neighborhood barbeque, at the movies. We walk without necessarily recognizing each other, side by side and a million miles apart. If you are one of these women, I want you to know that as I write these words, I am praying for you. I am mourning what you have lost in this life. I am praying that God will fill you as only He can, and that in time, you (and I) will be with our daughters and our sons again. Know that I hurt with you tonight.

This family showed such strength, determination and love that I really needed to include them in this blog to credit them for what they have survived and endured.

Trooping along

The other day I had a call from a counsellor from Pellows and she came to see how I was doing and how the family were doing. She was really lovely and nice to have a chat with her about things and she left me with a book that was recommended by a mother who had a child die. I have been reading this book and it is written by a mum in Cambridge who lost a child suddenly and she has drawn on the experiences of other families also. "For the rest of our lives - after the death of a child" written by Bev Gatenby.

She summed up things really well and I thought I would share some of the words from the book:

"I became against every wish and instinct and bone in my body, a member of a very special club. It's a club not one of us chose to join or wants to belong to. The membership is for a lifetime; we cannot resign, or take leave or absence or escape by moving to another country or city. It's a paid up life sentence, inescapable".

"When a child dies, we lost part of ourselves as parents, part of our past and an enormous part of our future. Dreams are shattered. We miss our children physically, emotionally, minute by minute and in the following years that seem to stretch without end, as time becomes a test of endurance. We may question the spiritual beliefs that we have in our lives. The relationships that we took for granted with family and friends may change. These changes pile up into one huge loss. Grieving in the years to follow is a long and lonely task. It is highly individual. Ever father, every mother will grieve according to the unique circumstances. The journey can only be walked by the person who is grieving but it is possible to be supported and the journey can get easier".

"After Rose died I remember walking in a bubble of pain. The bubble surrounded me and separated me from the world around me. Her death hurt so much and it it was the worst pain I have ever felt. We lost ourselves as we had been, our dreams and expectations of what our family would be like and our sense of innocent belief in the world. Now some years later, I don't walk in this bubble of pain. We are often happy and the world is mostly a good place. That has not changed the hugeness of the death of our daughter, the loss of her presence for the rest of our lives. There are times when the grief is as bad as it ever was, but it no longer occupies every second of my time or my every thought. Nevertheless, Rose's death remains the single most defining event in our lives".

"We continue to remember and to love our children. We never forget them. We continue to miss them. But that is okay. They remain in our hearts. They are part of our lives forever".

What Bev said was so much of what I could relate to and thought I would record some of those words from her.

Thank you to everyone who has listened to me when I have talked about Grace, I have been able to talk openly with some of you and this has helped me to feel like Grace is recognized as being special to me and also to help me through my loss.

Only today B was told about a friend of a friend who has just found out that in the eighth month of the pregnancy their baby has suddenly died and my heart goes out to this family, even though I don't know them, I now have an in-depth understanding of what they are experiencing.

I have been in touch with a lady who went through the same loss as ours only weeks before us, and through emails and soon through meeting I hope that there can be some slight help for both of us in the way of supporting each other and being able to share our experiences, as painful as they are.

I am going to Kelvin Cruickshanks live show next week so will be interesting! Even if no messages come through for me personally I would like to see him "in action" as I have read both of his books and really enjoyed them! For me it all comes down to hope, and you have to have some kind of hope that your baby is ok and it makes you feel slightly better to know they are ok, even though you never really will know, you still have hope.