Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Any time now my Grace would have been born

Well today marks the day that Grace would likely have been born, or at least some time this week...going from
the boys they were a month early so she probably would have been too. My actual due date is 30th September so this is the time we are heading away on holiday. There are little reminders that pop up...such as my dairy today was marked with big circles and my date to finish work this Wednesday....forgetting that I had done that ages ago and not seeing it until today.

Mum and M planted some forget-me-not's the other week, in memory of Grace and to have them flowering for this month and hooray they just came out in flower the other day. Tiny wee blue/purple flowers that I can see each day! Awesome thanks mum and M!
B made me lunch today so that was a nice reminder of his protection over me and without having to say that he was thinking of me and just showing me that he does. Pretty hard for him at the moment...poor B he cops it when I am in my roller coaster ride....he has nicknamed me "yo yo" for being so up and down. He knows when I am down and he knows just to give me space and time out which is often what I need to have time to cry, remember and to be totally by myself.

Every day I go over and over in my head, Grace would have been due now, I could have been complaining about back ache and not sleeping by now, we would have had the babies room and everything ready to go now etc etc. I think that in time I will move on from this, but for now and especially for this month I will go over and over the same thoughts.

I have met up with a lady whom I will refer to as "P" to protect her privacy and she went through the same journey as I have and it was only a short time before me. I really feel for her at the moment as she does not appear to have much support or family around her and this week is her due date. I have offered her support and been there for her to talk to and share her photos with which is all I can do really.

That is one big thing I have learnt that no-one else can walk this journey for you, no-one else truly knows the depth of the pain, the on-going grief and ability to get through the day with smiles on your face unless they have experienced this type of loss themselves. I was asked if I thought I was worse off or better off than someone who lost an older child and to be honest I can not comment on that. I refuse to try to 'score' where the pain lies as I really can't say as I only know one pain, one journey, one loss and that is what we went through. Everyone grieves differently, some openly and some closed off. Some people seek support through through many avenues and it really comes down to what 'assists' that individual person and their circumstances. Some people find it just to hard to look at photos of their baby and yet I myself have to have the photos or else I would feel even more lost. I need to be able to talk about Grace, have mementos around to symbolise the love I already had for her and that fact that I will never ever let her memory go. I do not believe you ever 'get over' losing a baby and you learn how to 'get through' time with losing a baby, living each day for what it is and appreciating people and things around you a little bit more. I would describe the 'moving on' as first of all getting through from one minute to the next, then getting through the hours, then getting through the days. You are still the same person, but you do feel a little bit more empty and a bit lost sometimes. There is a song on the radio at the moment that in the chorus is "I feel a little bit lost without you and a bloody big mess inside" which is how it does feel sometimes now, but all the time at the beginning. At first you feel very alone and as time passes you talk more and find out more about other people who have had losses also and you can relate to their loss. I tend to think the little things really are 'little things' and why did I used to make such a big deal out of them! You think lots more about life and how precious it is and I think about my other children and B more and how I am a bit scared about losing them too.

I heard today about a lady who was on her fourth attempt at IVF and at 17weeks they have lost the baby. Now she went to hospital, had a D&C (D&C stands for Dilation and Curettage. What it means in actual terms is that the neck of the cervix is dilated and the contents of the uterus (womb) are scraped out with a surgical instrument called a curette) and my heart just went out to her and I really thought hard about my journey and what we experienced. Going through labour initially was bloody scary and actually a horrible thought, however it ended up being a reasonably 'graceful' arrival our baby, we got to met her, hold her, take photos of her and bring Grace home to meet the family. Now that poor lady didn't get any of that and although she knew she was having a boy, she does not even get to see his face, dress him, have him blessed like we did and she walks away even more empty handed than what we did.

We went to S and R's in the weekend and received a lovely gift from them that S had seen and thought it would be right for me.Beautiful inspirational quotes relating to angels and funnily enough today I knew I needed to start them, was actually thinking about the forget-me-not flowers and thinking I had to tell mum they had flowered, and the quote today said:Although it is not referring to the actual flower, I thought this was pretty cool to read the same words of something I was thinking about! Thank you, a beautiful thoughtful idea and for your care and concerning words lately! Oh and I am also so happy that my rose from S and R that we received in May and had produced one tiny rose, has taken off again with new growth which I am so relieved about...not so good at keeping flowers going!

While I am paying tribute....T gifted me a lovely glass cube the other day with an image of an angel holding. I cant really take a photo to show what it looks like but it is really nice and special so thanks T for that too!
I am so very lucky to have people around me who do care, have shown concern and asked how I am or have been happy to talk about Grace. V emailed me to check up the other day also with a lovely message and this is just something that I often get, people showing concern and making me get through this with support. I went to see my
Aunty yesterday and she had given me a book a while ago "children of the spirit world" and she hugged me, told me to never ever feel guilty and that Grace will be watching over us and with us every day! People don't have to say much, or do much to get me misty eyed but it all means so much! I really am very lucky to have such wonderful people around me and my family and with everyone honouring Grace as 'real' baby that did have life and was important.

Dear Baby Grace
I love you baby girl a thousand times over and over. I know that your life just could not be with ours and I could not bear the thought of you having to battle through life and not live it and enjoy it. I hope that you are happy, playing and watching over your family and know that we all love you and would have cherished you if we could have kept you with us. We cherish you now with tiny gestures to show our devotion and rememberence of your life. Your passing brought such sorrow but such 'Grace' into our lives and I remember you, honour you, and want you back all the time. I think of you and dream of how you may have been, the ballet classes I could have taken you too, the fights you would have had with your brothers, the extra noise with all the family around but I think most of all how beautiful you would be. Please know you are special and will always be my first baby girl, never to be forgotten or replaced ever. A million hugs and kisses to you
Love Mummy.

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