The next few days

So we went from the 10th of May being the day I had my scan to spending time processing things; feeling angry, guilty, lost, confused, tired, scared and worrying about the days to come. I wanted to rest because I knew that my energy would be needed to give birth, but I also wanted to keep busy to keep myself from crying and thinking constantly about the next few weeks.

I wanted to plan things so that I had a focus having my sisters birthday coming up was nice and a good thing to think about plus I made sure I was spending time with the boys and not shut them out. We went to zoo for the day, even though it was raining and cold, I just needed things to keep me occupied and busy.

We had close friends and family around us at this time and were receiving emails, texts, cards and flowers which were all so very special in their own way. We were given special gifts from people very close to us and these provided comfort and sense of recognition that our baby was special.

I saw the midwife on Monday 17th and she wrote down for us the sex of the baby on a piece of paper, as requested by myself. That night my husband and I went into the bedroom and we found out that we were having a baby girl! I was at the point where no matter what baby we were losing, it was a baby and I loved it and wanted it regardless of the sex at that time. I also was gutted obviously to find out that the baby was a girl, the girl I had dreamed of for so long and my husband also felt the same way. He was saddened for me and felt sorry for me losing the girl we had hoped would complete our family.

We had already decided on a couple of names for the baby, as I believed that it was important to name the baby and make them a part of our family even though that baby could not be with us. So our baby girl was named Grace Mary-Kay. Grace was a name that 'came' to me and seemed so beautiful, Mary was my Grandmothers name and Kay was my aunty's name. I knew that they would take care of my little girl!

My husband and I discussed plans for the service and it was decided that we would send our baby girl off in the best and nicest way that we could. I wanted this to be perfect and memorable for everyone involved, and although I part of me could not believe that I was planning my baby's farewell, part of me also wanted to make sure it was done right and done just how we wanted it. So I spent time planning everything and my husband was awesome, supporting and taking care of our two boys. So this kept me busy along with the countdown to going back to the hospital.

We returned to the hospital on May 19th for the initial start to the medical termination and my stomach was in knots. My husband and I half heartedly joked about just getting on a plane and leaving the country, both knowing that this would not prevent what was coming.

Basically the next few hours involved one of the hardest parts of this entire time and that was for me to take pills that started the process and this was so very difficult and I just felt disgusted basically with what was going on.

We came home and I wept and wept and then took some sleeping pills to get me through the night. Family took care of the kids and my husband helped me out by holding me and hugging me all night, which I was needing most nights at this time.

Thursday was a blur and I just remember feeling a small relief that the initial part had happened but also still had the guilt of what I had done. I knew that Grace was now gone as I just felt that she had and I hated this feeling.