I knew this month would be tricky with all the announcements of the girls I know of having their baby girls and just to make things harder we have mums at kindy popping up all over the place announcing their pregnancy or finding out that the baby they are carrying is a girl.
It feels like this is one of the longest months of my life. I know that when this month is over, things won't change and things will never be the same again, but I know that I will be past the one and only due date of having Grace and know that I can't hold that baby girl of mine when I should have been. I miss her, I want her back but I know that will obviously never happen and that I just cant have her.
Had a rude encounter with the hospital the other day regarding me not making my appointment and I have requested that they send the results, if there are any from the placenta, to my doctor or send me a letter. I just cant face going there this month. Maybe the next month.....
Looking forward to getting away for our holiday but hoping the weather will be ok. Really want to spend some time on the beach just relaxing and hanging out.
Heard from 'P' today and she is still not doing so well. She has looked into some anti-depression natural medication and that is helping a bit. Will go and see her this weekend for a talk. It is so weird that we went through the same thing, and yet even I feel at a bit of a loss how to help her. All I can do is be here when she needs it.
I saw someone I went to school with and she lost a niece to a brain tumour ( I taught this little girl and she was sweet, adorable and fought a brave battle with cancer) and she told me how she was sorry to hear what happened and that life does go on but with sadness in it. I said that what they went through with 'C' would have been very very heart wrenching and tragic and she said that "any loss of a child is a loss, regardless of the circumstances, you grieve differently and have different viewpoints, but you still lose the future and your child" which was so very true! I thanked her for her compassion and understanding.
C asks lots about Grace and asks questions and some I just can not answer, there is no answer. All I can do is be honest with him and try to tell him what we know.
I can not accept the theory that everything happens for a reason. I firmly believe that life just has good and bad and you don't really ever know what is coming or why it happens. You can try to see good in bad situations but reality is for me that sometimes I find this difficult. People have said that my strength shone through and it shows how strong your family and other relationships are, however I still don't believe that I needed to lose my baby in order for me to see these things. Life has to go on, I have to look for the good in it and I have to embrace the positive or I will crumble. If I crumble, my family around me will crumble. I have to be here for them. I tell myself this all the time.
My baby girl Grace, I love you and miss you. I hope you know how much we love you and will always love you and think about you. I wish I million trillion wishes that I could have you back. I ache to hold you, to hear you cry, to see you play. I can only dream how you would have looked and how you would have grown. I can only dream about your first steps, first boyfriend and your wedding day. I can only dream about how life would have changed right about now and we would have been.
Forever in my heart, precious baby of mine, Grace Mary-Kay.
Lots of love mummy