Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Trying to make it through each moment

People commented that they did not know what to say and the truth is that nothing anyone could say or do, was going to make Grace come back or change the situation. Reality is that having people around us, helping take care of the kids, sending messages, little gifts, making us tea, giving us hugs and asking how we were was what got us through the worst part of this situation. Our family and friends are so much a part of our lives and we felt honoured at everything that everyone did, no matter how big or small the gesture. I want to say thank you so very much to everyone, you all helped in your own way and you showed us strength, compassion, understanding and gave us courage to get through time really tough times. We are so lucky to have you all and we really appreciate you all and thank you for being part of our lives.
In the beginning I was not sure how I was going to make it through from one minute to the next. I was broken and felt empty and just cried all the time and had so many thoughts and emotions. B and I spent time together grieving and talking about everything. It felt like shit bad luck what happened and that's exactly what it was. One friend of ours, R, summed it up by saying "it 'f'kn sux what happened to you guys" and that is how I feel lots of the time. The whole situation was heartbreaking, sickening, and made us angry, feel guilty, a feeling of loss and emptiness...but one thing that came through was the love and the strength we had us a couple and also the support we had from everyone around us was tremendous.

I was asked about what hurt the most and the two hardest things for me is the 'why' - why the hell this has happened....I know it is because I had the infection but why did we have to lose our baby! The other hardest part and the biggest part of the grief, is the fact I will never get to see
my baby girl grow up, never see her do ballet or ride motorbikes, never get to hold her hand when she is scared, never got to read her books, record her milestones, sort out fights with Grace and her brothers, never get to hold her ever again. My dreams of a girl are lost for now and my angel is always in my heart and I will never forget the short time we had with her. I love her and miss her and want her back.

B has accepted things more than me, and has been my strength through this all. He has a positive attitude and is able to look to the future.
We were recently given a poem from B's sister A:

It must be very difficult To be a man in grief
Since "Men don't cry"; and "Men are strong" No tears can bring relief
It must be very difficult to stand up to the test
And screen calls and visitors So she can get some rest
They always ask if she's alright and what she's going threw
But seldom take his hand and ask .. My friend, but how are you?
He hears her crying in the night and thinks his heart will break
He dries her tears and comforts her, But 'stays strong' for her sake
It must be very difficult to start each day brand new
And try to be so very brave He lost his baby too.

For now my focus is on making it through the weeks and remaining positive. I am able to make it through some days without crying but never without thinking about Grace. She is often on my
mind, and I think of her almost every hour of every day for now. I like to have things to look forward to that will keep me busy and also bring a smile to my face. These may be small things like going for a coffee at a cafe or going for a walk with the family, but these are things that I can do to make my day brighter and to focus on what I have in life.

I guess I just want family and friends to understand that what happened, did happen and I can not forget the pain and anguish we suffered, however we are doing ok and will be better with some time.

I find that the heartache sometimes creeps up when not expecting it and sometimes with things I can not avoid. Like when I was at the Wharehouse and a newborn baby was crying in the aisle beside me and I was trying to keep it together which was really hard. I thought I was ready to move M from the cot into Cs single bed, C into the spare double bed and to take down the cot....we did it on a different weekend than what had been originally planned to set up the room for the baby so I thought I could deal with it however as soon as B took the first bolt out of M's cot I lost it, I wept for the fact that we should have been putting the cot up for the baby and not taking it down and putting it away for storage. Waiting for my brother and sister in laws second baby to arrive was tricky as I was excited for them for nervous about how I was going to cope. I was worried I wouldn't be able to hold the baby and see them, but it turned out that I adored him from the moment I saw him and it is was fine.

A nurse from the hospital said to me that she "would take all the pregnant mothers and newborn babies away from me" if she could so I didn't have to face them. Reality is this is something I can not escape from and something I have to face daily. I am happy for those that do have babies, are pregnant and this is especially true with my brother R and sister in law S, who just had a baby last week. I just wish it was me too!

There will be times that it is just too hard for me to talk about babies etc and I just have to leave that conversation or remove myself from situations, however I need everyone around me to understand that they have to live their lives and not worry about this when I do this, just please understand sometimes the pain is too much and I cant always be involved but please do not be offended.

Everyone has said beautiful things and no-one has said anything that was intentionally hurtful.

However there are things that I find hard to hear and accept that people will say them but I find it hard when people say:
*don't worry you can have another baby - at this stage I know that we can, however I still want Grace and would do almost anything to have her back.

*it just wasn't meant to be - why the hell not? why could we not have this baby to care and love? why us? why did it happen? why did we have to suffer?

*you have two healthy boys so you are lucky - I agree wholeheartedly with and I am so so so grateful for the boys that we have, I am so lucky and I am aware of just how precious they are, however I do still wish we had Grace also.

I have returned to work and this was good for me, as I work part time and it keeps me busy and also I have time at home for family and housework! We keep busy and keep involved in what is happening around us, and other times I just need some time out to myself to gather my thoughts and grieve.

Family and friends have kept us going, kept visiting, kept ringing to check in on us and this has all helped immensely. The occasional time I have wanted to lock myself away from the world, but now looking back I am glad that we had people around us and that not only I had support but also B did too and that M and C were taken care of.

We are now six weeks down the track of this part of our lives and some days it feels like it has so quickly our heads were spinning and other days it feels like it was just yesterday. Some times it feels surreal and hard to beleive what we went through. We have a six week check up at the doctors next week and I am just hoping that we do not get any new news following the final results of the amnio and the post mortem that was done on the placenta. Feeling slightly nervous about the whole thing.

I guess to sum things up, each day comes and goes. You never know what is about to come and you deal with it when it happens. My biggest lesson in this is don't take things for granted, you cant presume anything and you must make the most of what you have! Cherish and treasure every day, look after those around you and take all the time you have to create memories to last
a life time!

What God Hath Promised

This was a poem read at Grace's service by A:

God hath not promised skies always blue,
Flower strewn pathways all of our lives through;
God hath not promised sun without rain,Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.
But God hath promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, light for the way,
Grace for the trials, help from above,
Unfailing sympathy
Undying love..
Eternal rest for our little Grace, Lord.
And let your perpetual light shine upon her.
May she rest in peace.
Go with God little girl, go with God. Amen.
To my tiny wee baby girl Grace
I love you, I will always love you. I will cherish your memory and I will mourn your passing. I will remember your tiny features, your tiny body and how beautiful you were to me. I will do what I can to create a memory of you to be in our family forever. You are now forever an angel, but always my daughter, always my baby girl and always in my heart. See you again one day, my precious child.
Love mummy xoxoxo

How did you 'cope' or get through the days? What did people do that helped? What did people do that didnt help?

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