Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I have made a link previously to a lady who's website I was following all about her journey through her loss of a baby and A my sister in law has brought the book and handed it on to me. Check out her tribute to her daughter on u-tube link:
Also written by this mum and performed by her husband and family friend is the song that is on the video and the lyrics for the song are as follows; bit religious, but beautiful and so well written
THE LYRICS FOR THE SONG: I will carry you by Selah.

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…

I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you

I read this book entirely in three hours and spent the time relating to her pain and her suffering, while crying about my own loss. One of the biggest differences between myself and this lady, was her decision to carry the baby until the end of the pregnancy knowing that they may only have a few short minutes with her baby that was going to soon after pass away. I am in awe of her strength and determination and recognised that her dedication to God was what got her through that.

I however choose a different path to this and with B's support and no other judgements from anyone, we went for the medical termination which I hate the idea of, the fact we went through it and the entire situation was just awful. However we were told that the chance of carrying Grace until full term would not happen, and that medical intervention would happen once she was 24 weeks and to me seeing a baby fight for her life with all the damage she had done, would have been harder and more heart wrenching that what we actually did. We were told that there was such a slim chance she would survive with her growth restriction, heart, bowels and brain damage she would have had many issues in life. I have worked with children who have special needs and I see the daily struggle that their families and the child go through, and although in most cases there is a tremendous amount of love there is also constant decisions, medical requirements, stress, cost and devastation which I felt I could not put my family or a baby through.

I had a choice, not a very good one and by no means an easy one, but we choose what we did and now I have to live with that forever.

I will always question if we did the 'right' thing and will never ever know, just like I will never know why we had to lose a baby. I cant accept that 'everything happens for a reason' as there as so many other caring wonderful people out there suffering and facing loss every day and other 'shits' who cause constant kaos in the world.

I know that B and I gave Grace a beautiful farewell and are doing everything possable to keep her memory in a special place for us. I thank all the people around me who allow me to talk about Grace and ask how we are doing. I am grateful for the short time I did have with Grace and for the photo's we have and the beautiful little gifts we have to keep as reminders of her short life with us. It is amazing that I can love someone so much, have had her touch my life so much and those around me, and for me to miss Grace so much considering the short time that I carried her. I only have memories of my pregnancy and the few short days we had with Grace, however she will forever be my child, my daughter, my baby and my angel.

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