I found yesterday really good because it was filled with distraction with family and friends around all day, but last night hit, the reality crept in and I lost it....everyone bore the brunt of my emotions last night...anger and sadness! Was trying to pack for today, B wasn't helping, kids were fighting and I was thinking about today and my mind started whirling.
I spent a lot of time thinking last night and tried my best not to let the 'horrible' side creep in with thoughts of me being the one that actually stopped Grace from being here and the process we went through. I had to pull myself out of that because I know that I could have done nothing at all to prevent what happened and me catching the virus was just terrible timing and 'shit bad luck'. I wish there was something I could take to 'change how you feel so intensely' (but not prozac!). So anyway I had to re-focus on what lies ahead and with the weekend away being a time to remember the good and be with family!
I guess some people expect you 'to get over it' and 'to move on' but this will never happen. You learn to get through the day and you learn to make things ok on the surface. And most of the time I have to be honest and it all is ok and time does heal but other times the pain is so much that it is intense and a huge sense of longing is constantly there, longing for the baby that you do not any longer have, longing for what was meant to be.
S was talking about an interview on tv with a lady that I knew from childcare, and she has about 9 children and has mis-carried 4 babies and she was saying how people commented that "well you have other children so what's the big deal". By having other children, I do have to say that it makes you feel extra lucky to have them and honored to be their parent and they are what gets you through the darkest days because you have them to take care of and they love you un-conditionally. But it still does not take away the pain of the loss of the baby. For those people that do not have any children, I think that this would be even harder.
I went to see 'P' the other night and that was good for both of us. She is feeling much better and coping with days with more strength. We both shared things about our similar but different journeys and offered each other support and understanding. I am still not going to attend support meetings like she does and I feel lucky enough to have people around me to lean on.
'P' told me about the Ronald McDonald Retreat house and said that she has been accepted due to losing a child and that we can apply also. The timing of being told this was kinda strange....my due date is nearly here and it was at the Ronald McDonald Retreat house that I found out I was pregnant! Weird timing!
Mum had said she had mentioned the house to me but I could not remember. That is one thing about these past months that has been hard to cope with also, not remembering things when I was told them and forgetting simple tasks at home and at work. I described it to 'P' as foggy headed and she had the same thing and we both decided it is obviously due to stress, the bodies way of coping and you cope with what you have to with the day to day things and anything over and above is blocked.
Well time to go and pack the car and be on our way for our time away. We have a lantern to light today to send up to Grace, and I am taking some other special items to keep that closeness there in remembrance.
Grace, I love you, I miss you and I always think of you every day. I wish I could have you back and have you here with us. You are always part of our family, my daughter, my baby girl. Forever loved, forever cherished and forever our precious angel.
How did you spend this time? What did you do to cherish your baby?