Sunday, September 4, 2011

How life changes your views

It is interesting how things change when something like this happens in life. I guess the biggest and most important feature is trying to make the best of a bad situation and making the most of what you have in life.

I tend to be a bit more carefree now and not 'planning' as much as I used to. I try to be a bit more relaxed and allow things to happen rather than trying to plan every possible angle. I have realized that there are simply things in life out of our control no matter how much we plan for something it may not work out. I still try to be organized though!!!

As the heading of an inspirational books says "Dont sweat the small stuff" and I am more like that now, I tend to not sweat the small stuff that I can not change and try to focus on life and what is important. I think I find even just the little things, moments, things I do, are more meaningful and I try to be involved in doing things rather than watching them pass by. You cant get any moment back so you have to make the most of the moment you are in.

I have re-evaluated friendships and what people mean to me. It sounds really harsh but you realize who really is there for you and who is not and although everyone acts in different ways regarding situations, I still don't see how it is hard just to let someone know you are thinking about them. I really believe that if the effort is made then the friendship is worth it, if no effort is made then I do not have the time in my life to worry about this anymore. Some people really surprised me on their understanding and depth of care and they were not necessarily people whom I am really close to, and others surprised me when they did not do this and yet I thought they were closer to me. I do not expect sympathy every moment for what has happened but some recognition or even just a 'how you doing' every now and then would have been nice.People come and people go and with them memories are created and I will have with me for life. There is more to life than worrying about others and their lives and the fact that they have not had the time or the 'care' to check in on you.

I see so much more in my children now that I think I ever gave them credit for. I always tend to worry about their behavior and focus on what they do 'wrong'. Now I tend to focus on them more and they are so special, fun and wonderful to have around. They do test my patience with their fighting.....but I love them so much and spend time just watching them and seeing what they are doing. Life passes by quickly and they are growing so fast. I went to a school production for C in which he won first place for a dance and he presented to the entire school. As I sat there watching him with tears in my eyes, I was just so proud to be his mum! When M. wraps his arms around me for cuddles I cherish this every time! When he wakes at night time I do not really grumble anymore, I see this as a chance to hug him and be on my own with him. My boys may be the only children we have here with us, so to make the most of time I have with them means everything to me and to have a family is just so important. They are precious too and they are here with me and they are what get me through each day knowing that they need me and I need them. Of course with them comes their daddy and with him comes fun, games and non-stop 'kidding around'. His courage through everything, his support and his ability to look towards the future helped me I guess in some ways with not stooping into depression. I came close, I felt terrible and anxious and disgusted with myself at times but I was able to move out of that zone and thank goodness I could.

A while ago we heard of a lady who was eight months pregnant and the babies heart stopped beating. B knows her husband and he told B yesterday that the lady has spun off the rails and is now only interested in being out partying, drinking and no longer wants to be with him and has no time for her other child. As I said to B, we all grieve in different ways and this is obviously her way of forgetting and burying everything.

No-one tells you how to grieve and
no-one can do it for you

You have to grieve in your own way and find things that make it easier

I found that to get through the hardest part I had to make sure I was creating memories because I didn't want to look back and regret not having them. I had to sort my head enough to focus on this and getting though every minute, and that is just me, organised and wanting things to go right.

I had to try and focus on what was happening at the time and to push some of the grief and pain inwards in order to be able to listen to what specialists were telling me, what we had to have organised for the farewell service, reading of results etc, and what I needed to be able to do in regards to giving birth. On the day I had to start everything, I went to kindy in the morning because C was doing a school visit there and I didn't want to miss this. I just had to do things that seemed normal even though I was crushed and breaking on the inside. Even now I think about the labor and I must have seemed weird because I just wanted to try and make the day as smooth as possible and with the least amount of sadness and I was mainly 'ok' on that day. I talked to the nurses, I tried to laugh at B's lame jokes and I focused on giving birth but not really knowing what it was all going to be like when I met little Grace.

When I was alone I was at my worst, I broke down and cried until I could hardly breathe and my stomach ached and my head hurt. I didn't want people to see me like this and least of all, those closest. I didn't want to appear like I 'wasn't coping'. I also didn't want to upset people around me. I wanted them to be able to see me as still the same person and still be able to talk to me and be around me. My mum was a rock and she was so strong and brave and didn't ever break down in front of me so I wanted to be like her and show strength through the sadness.

To me there really is no right or wrong way to grieve, but remembering that other people around you are hurting too is important and something you cant forget.

Time moves on but my heart does not.

My memories are deep and there forever and the reminders are constantly pregnancies. I can never not think about my baby when you hear about someone else's, I never can watch the tv with baby ad's without thinking about my baby, I never can walk into the baby section at the shops and not feel sad and a sense of longing. I never ever feel anger towards others with babies, pregnant etc I just feel happy for them and wish them all the best but wish that things were different for me.

My darling baby Grace is mine forever and that can never change. My memories of her will never change and my love for her will never change.

Have your views changed? In what ways have you changed and in what ways have the people around you changed?

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