Tommorow is the day that you were born one year ago, 21st May 2010 at 2.30pm. As a family we will honour your memory and think of you, it is nothing new to think of you, but we will be together and we will be only thinking of you. I would love to be preparing for your first birthday in such a different way and have you here with me, crawling around, getting into mischief like your cousin N and here with us being part of our every day lives.
I miss you, I wish you were here. I love you and I only knew you for 5months. In 5 short months I had planned many things for you, my baby, a brother or sister to C and M and our third child.
I remember the day you were born, I was scared to start off with not knowing what to expect, but I was wanting to meet you, wanting to hold you and wanting to keep you. Delivering you was hard, the anticipation of the un-known. The pain was minimal compared to the aching of losing you. I was in awe of your tiny features, so beautifully formed, so perfect. Your little lips, your little hands and even little fingernails. The atmosphere was calm and relaxed when you were born, there were not even many tears...just a moment in time in which I was with you, I had you and I never wanted to let you go. You looked so lovely when you were dressed. I willed your eyes to open, your chest to breathe, for everything to be ok...knowing that I was asking for the impossible.
One year almost since we stepped into the hospital carrying you with me and then leaving the hospital without you. One year almost since your life ended and it felt like mine had too. One year almost of grieving for you and being confused, upset and aching. One year almost....and trying to keep one foot in front of the other....living....moving.....remembering....focusing.......
appreciating people.....and forever cherishing you.
I hope you are happy and playing and with family or other children up in heaven, flying with the angels, playing on rainbows, walking in gardens and being free. I can only hope that you know how much you are loved and also missed. You are in my thoughts, my heart every day and I carry your memory with me forever, till the day I see you again. You are my tinkerbell, my angel, my fairy, my tiny tiny baby. You are my girl, my lost baby girl but you are mine and I love you so much.