Thursday, April 26, 2012

Always thinking about you

Always thinking of you Grace...always you are in my thoughts and consuming normal every day moments....some thoughts are happy and some are sad...some still ask "what if" or "should I have"...some thoughts are of your tiny wee features....some thoughts are about how brief the time was we had with you....some thoughts are of where you are now or are you anywhere?.....some thoughts are of labour, first look, first hold and last hold....thoughts revolve around and around in my head....some thoughts provoke tears and others I choke back....some thoughts are about what you would have looked like....some thoughts are of time and how it is passing....some thoughts are of those dark days and wondering how I coped...did I cope?....thoughts of family and friends and their involvement or their distancing....thoughts of what you would be like now and who you would look like....forever thinking of you baby girl xoxoxo

The other day I had a lovely, deep and sad but spirited talk with a mum who went through two losses.  One baby was her first, unplanned and she was very young but the loss still remains painful.  The next baby (her third child) made a bigger impact, he was planned and throughout the pregnancy there was bleeding that medical personal did nothing about....she miscarried at 19weeks.  His name was Billy.  Her sorrow is evident and at the same time the connection I have with her and the strength she had to support me and show me that you can get through by focusing on your other children is what helped me to keep going.  We talked about physics and the hope for our babies to be happy somewhere and the answers to that.  We talked about shutting out the world, closing the curtains, not answering the phone and not wanting to face the world and reality.  We talked about family and friends, those who stayed and those who we walked away from.  We talked about the pain and the change of that pain with time.  We talked about our living children and their feelings and thoughts.  We talked about our husbands and their pure determination to get us 'better' and through the worst time of our lives.  We said over and over how hard this was, is and forever will be and no-one can truly understand unless they have experienced this.  We said that we felt guilt for times that we did smile or feel good about something. We said we will never forget, never.  We talked about how we spend time when it is the month of birth date or and month of the due date.  We said you treasure the children you have so much more and make the most of time and experiences for them.  You plan holidays and you enjoy the joy that your children bring to your life, but you also feel a gap, a space where the baby would have been.  You cry at things that you would never have cried at before.  We talked about crying at the realisation your youngest living child is getting older.  We talked about future children and the fear of pregnancy but if someone handed us a newborn we would accept straight away.  We talked about thinking everyone is looking at you differently when you go anywhere, weather they did know or not.  We talked about peoples comments and the worst thing that someone can say is 'oh it just wasn't meant to be'....we both hate that with a vengeance.  We talked about other people and their experiences and how everyone is different and how you deal with the loss is very individual.  We talked about taking the baby's ashes with us on holidays just to feel like the baby was there with us.  We talked about the burial and cremation...the reasons for choosing cremation.  We talked about seeing other pregnant people and trying to smile.  We talked about plastering on a face and pretending to be enjoying something while our hearts and heads just were not focusing.  We talked about people not talking to you or saying too much.  We talked about how forever is a long time to miss someone but that is the way it is.
She is a beautiful person with a beautiful family and I thank her so much for helping me.

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