The lead up to this day was filled with apprehension. My husband was away for the weekend on a mountain bike riding event so I had a weekend with my two boys and after them being sick during the week, we were all tired and a bit house-bound. Sunday morning came and from the moment I opened my eyes I made a promise to focus on my boys.....a diversion from the inner pain and sorrow and knowing one very vital part of our lives was not there that day...our Grace.
The moment I awoke I had my veyr excited 4year old racing off to his room to retrieve his card and gifts and my 7year old not far behind him. Earlier in the week they had sat with their dad creating cards and writing me letters. These items mean far more to me than anything else. Their writing, their thought, their love and effort all done for me. After cooking a breakfast for us all we sat and snuggled for a while on the couch while watching tv. One of our familys special traditions that was started by S, was to release a lantern in memory of Grace. So thats what we did...we lit a lantern....M said "so Grace can see it" and we watched as the lantern floated high into the sky. I silently wished my Grace all the love I could send her and the fact that I wished I could hold her.
The morning continued with so many times of myself pushing that inner nagging feeling of loss, grieving and just wanting my baby although I was loving the fact I was lucky enough to have my two boys with me. We spent most of the morning at home with the kids still recovering from their sickness. At lunchtime my husband returned home and after cuddles I left the kids with him and headed out to my mums to visit mum, dad, my neice and two sisters and we had a lovely time having a tea party with nibbles. Similar to what we did last year but not as elaborate. I received a lovely text from S wishing me a happy mothers day knowing it would be a bit difficult for me. After a few hours with mum I headed back home to my family and the boys treated me to a yummy coffee out at a cafe. On the way there I was fighting back tears...the sorrow and the feeling of darkness was creeping in....I found it hard to ignore.....I couldnt deny the truth that my baby was not there....she should have been....I wanted her there....
Then my husband dropped the bombshell of friends wanting to visit with their newborn baby girl!!! F*** really hubby can you not get how I am feeling of all people! I was speechless and once I regained composure I simply stated I could not bear to be by a baby girl that was not mine and he could see them but of all days I could not do it, another day....I could put it off longer couldnt I???? So
So after coffee which truly was nice and a long hard think I thought perhaps I did want to see this baby, she wasnt mine but maybe that was the point, maybe I would find some comfort in seeing a baby girl on the day I wanted one the most? Logic in there.....hmmm not sure to be honest? I was trying my best to convince myself I could do this and I could be brave. Plenty of times I have caked on that fake face, fake smile and convinced people I was fine, I could do it again today. I had an out, I made sure they would not be coming to our house but we would meet them somewhere so if I had to suddenly leave I could. So we meet the friends, saw the baby, my heart melted and so did my kids, my youngest even asked if we could keep her....this question nearly made me lose it but I held it together. This was our friends newborn, their happiness, their girl, and they deserve to be happy and not to be made to feel uncomfortable. So we saw them for a short time and then we left. Still actually doubted how much my husband thought that I had overcome a major milestone, how hard that moment was and how much I wanted to cry.
So we went home, had tea and the ended the evening with cuddles and the kids telling me how much they loved me.
People dont really realise how hard a day like this can be. Some people have lost their rmothers, some people have lost their children and this day highlights the loss and the pain that comes and there is no denying the overwhelming sorrow that lies beneath the surface.