And now this public blog begins....

So up until now all of my previous posts have been copied and pasted from my private blog.....I have gathered the time and the energy as well as the emotional strength to read through and

re-visit all the past entries and decide which I wanted to include in this blog which will be made public. Not an easy task but something I have wanted to do for some time....to connect with other families who may have been through the same or similar circumstances and for one reason or another we are all connected, we have all lost and are in pain and need an outlet for all that crazy, upsetting, sad stuff in our heads and what we carry with us each and every day. There is no escaping, no putting a bandage on and making it better, no ignoring it and no forgetting what has happened. We walk the line every day of a person who has lost a child.

September begins...

And another month begins....September....symbolic to me as this is the month my baby would have been born and this year would have been the year she turned one.

I know that May is also another significant month, and will forever be the most prominent month as that is when Grace was actually born. However September last year was a biggie as it was the time I had to get through the other babies being born when mine would have been and the feeling of utter loss when I had no baby to birth. This September, it is slightly different and slightly easier.....but with this September this year, I am hearing about the two other little baby girls who are turning one and the plans for their birthdays.....getting through it but some moments bit hard.

I have ordered my canvas prints of the sunsets with Graces name and the sand butterfly with Graces name. I am not even sure where they are going to go or where they are going to fit on my wall but I just felt I really wanted them done and knew it would be nice to have them this month. Just one small way once again of honouring my baby's memory.

I had hoped to see blossoms on my cherry tree this September as there are so many blossoms in so many places around me, however there are no blossoms to be seen yet......

The forget me not's that M and Mum planted are in flower though and that is special and significant to me....I get to glance out the window each morning of my bathroom and see them there....think of Grace and know she is loved.

Still no news from the hospital.....waiting on a confirmation date for the surgery for my hernia......

Kinda ironic that one year ago today, we were together as a family, away for the weekend........and today we are home as a family.......sick husband and sick C.....but all together.

I love my time out from my family and some moments I feel like my head will explode with the fighting and the constant amount of housework, the emotional roller coasters and the ongoing energy zapping times......however I would not change it for anything. I love the kids and I love B and I love being a mum, and I love that we have a nice home and nice things and we are lucky to have 2 healthy children and I have one beautiful angel daughter, that I love also.

How do you get through the months....what helps you to get through this life and each day?

We spoke of you....

I spoke of you on Monday with a friend from work.....her cousin just delivered a 1pound baby at 24weeks and it is unknown if the baby will survive......She said that I must know how that feels....having such uncertainty and holding such a small baby.....I said yes but you were only 210grams and I knew with certainty you were not alive when we held you......I was not being rude just making the point that it was different.......I feel for the couple that just had the baby as there will be huge decisions to make and a tiny baby there in the incubator struggling for life.........Speaking to this friend at work was the first time she has been able to talk about you.......

Today at the supermarket I saw some family......B's side of the family..........She said she knew we lost a baby and asked if your name was Grace..........we talked and in her family they also had met an 'angel' with a baby being born at 19weeks and a genetic condition that meant the baby would never survive, there was no chance........we spoke of you and how tiny you were.......that you have a boy cousin in heaven with you..........how life has changed..........how family and friends supported us.........and how life will never be the same......

I was sorting through some clothing the other day and found some beautiful dresses that I got from T ages ago in the hope that one day I would have a girl and she could wear them.....I had a girl, but she never got to wear them. I found one baby outfit that I had brought that was brand new and unisex. You will never get to wear that. It is now with all your other little treasures safely placed into your special box.

I always think of you, I look at your photos and I think of your tiny features. I complete scrapbook pages and feel they are not good enough. I wear my pendent to feel closer to you with your prints close to my chest. I think about getting a canvas done with photos. Your dad, your brothers, your family and our friends still talk about you, not as much, but you are still thought of. I walk around every day knowing you are gone, feeling a bit empty and wishing this had of not happened. I blame myself for not taking enough care with hygiene and now at work I am over-extended on doing this. I question 'why' and know that will never be answered. I dont believe this happened for a reason. I believe that you cant control everything in your life and nature is powerful and un-c0ntrollable. I wonder what you would have looked like, how you would have behaved. I wonder how this can hurt so much. I wonder why some days are harder than others. I wonder why the young mum at the shop swearing at her beautiful girls in the pram, gets to keep her girls and I don't. I miss you, I miss you so very much. I wanted to keep you. I want you here and be part of our lives, not as an angel but here living and breathing. I wonder if I could have been a good mummy to three children. I wonder if I will ever meet you again......

Do you speak of your child? Do other people speak about your child? How do you cope with some questions?

Riding the waves

I went out last night with 'P' and it was really good. We both feel connected over this horrific commonality that we have both been through and to be able to share so many emotions, experiences and how we are coping/not coping is wonderful and refreshing along with hard and raw. Time moves along and you cant not slow it down! However time does not mean we are 'over' what happened or it hurts any less. Some days are easier than others to get through, and then other days are just as emotional, hard and heart wrenching. We are both feeling slightly nervous about September, as once again that due date time of our babies is approaching. We both agree that keeping busy and focused on other things in life helps to keep the time moving along and to keep the 'hard thoughts' and dark moments out of our heads.

I believe that in order to get through the grief you have to ride the waves as such as face the crashing waves along with the calm. You don't have a choice. You simply have to keep going, riding that never ending emotional rollercoaster and facing what each day brings. Depending on how you are feeling, depends on how you can deal with a situation, sometimes more clear headed and other times with more anger and pain.

I still question why the f*** did this have to happen and think it is terrible. I don't think I can accept that 'she just wasn't meant to be'....I actually despise that comment, it hurts and only a person who has NOT been through this could actually say this.

As September draws closer the constant reminder is there that my baby would have been turning one year old and I would have been planning a pretty, pink party with everything all special and sweet! Other girls that I know of that have babies that are turning one in September are in the planning process of the first birthday.

I only wish that was me.

Things the kids say

The other day we were offered a dog...just the kind of dog I want...a boy dog....cute....fluffy and used to children....boys in particular.....I am still contemplating what to do.....trying to remind myself that the expense and the times that we have away from home are the reason not to buy a dog......

Anyway when I had A here the other day, we were talking about this dog and she said to me "You could name the dog Grace" and this was so sweet for her to think of Grace and then C replied "No, we only have one Grace in our family and A accepted this comment. I thought the two of them were rather sweet.

The next day there was an add on tv with a baby girl in a cot....M sat there and said "Look there's Grace".

M was tidying his room up (takes after me!) and he found some unwrapped but uneaten Easter eggs (yucky) and he said to me "Mum these are for Grace" and he placed them into a tiny and real birds nest just as my mum had done at Easter time.

I am sad but happy when the kids say things like this. I wish they were talking about Grace as a part of our family living with us and being a monkey just like my boys are, but instead I have my boys talking about Grace as a memory. However I am honoured they still speak of her and that is how we have made it, open and honest along with talking about Grace with them and ensuring she is not forgotten.

I was watching a talk show the other day with a man talking about his child being born with a fatal disorder and living only 11 days. He was asked if he has moved on from that and his response was "you never move on from losing a child no matter what age they are. You continue to live through the dark days and the lighter days but you never more on. You have a hole where they should be and it cant be filled".

My pendent from forever child

The other day I go the mail and there it was.....my envelope from America....knowing exactly what it was I basically ripped open the package and there it was.....my pendent, handmade, with Grace's footprint and handprint etched into it and on the reverse side was the wording Baby Grace, 21.05.2011, Precious and a tiny pink bead dangling in the middle. The prints are faint and quite fine, but also discreet and they mean the world to me which is what matters.

I was so excited and emotional as it is a piece of jewellery I can wear that helps me feel that connection to my baby girl.

This is one of the closest items I have that symbolises that my girl existed, she was part of our lives and she lives on in memories.

There will be constant reminders all the time of our time with Grace. Today I went to a cafe and before I went I was slightly apprehensive, simply because last time I went, I was pregnant and it was mothers day and I knew nothing of what was about to happen. I was selective of what tea I had based on what was safe for the baby.....

When the cupcakes came out, I did draw my breath in for a moment as the exact same rose was on the top that we had last time, and that same rose was one of the items that was placed with Grace in her casket. So reminders came flooding in from that.....However today was lovely and special and I really enjoyed playing ladies for the time there!

Where are your reminders...your moments where you draw in your breath.....what and where do you find it hard to be?

Private or public blog

BEAUTIFUL!

I received my beach pictures from the lady in Australia who writes names in the sand for families who have lost a baby. I was so happy to see them and so quickly, it was a nice surprise. I will hopefully get these put onto canvas, just have to plan out exactly how I want to do it and then arrange it with T at work.

I have also been thinking seriously about making my blog public rather than private. I follow other peoples blogs that have been brave enough to put their stories out there so want them to also be able to follow my story. However I am reluctant just because of knowing so many people I dont want to have people I know, know too much if you get what I mean and also I am scared of judgement....all of the stories I follow are of families who lost babies and 'it happened' where as I feel that there may be judgement based on the fact of medical termination. I have decided that if I do make my blog public, I will start a whole new blog, add previous enteries from this blog and keep both a public and private blog. My private blog can have personal enteries and also contain my family photos etc and the public blog will be less personal in the mention of names etc but also not have the same photos. Will be a bit of work but that way I can connect with people who have been through the loss of a child without feeling like maybe "I should be over this by now" and family and friends may think that also, however I know that grief comes in many different waves and some days are calm and others are stormy....there is no time line on when you will be more accepting......no rules for how to make it through the days......

For me, having jewellery, having special pictures, mementoes are all that I have along with memories and some photos. I never can take another photo of Grace, I cant buy her a dress and I can never hold her again. That is painful and it makes me ache for my baby. I am so glad that I ordered these pictures and also the pendent because it helps me feel connected and a way to honour Grace and her memory.

She will always be a part of our family......xoxoxo to you Grace.

A different path to walk

Sometimes but not very often, I do wonder what it would be like just to start life over.....totally new everything, walk out on what you know and start new. What would be different, what would be better, what would be worse, what would I miss, what wouldn't I miss.....I question weather I would have children, no children, a husband, no husband, friends, no friends......Would like be any better if I was walking in someone else's shoes?

I have to be grateful and happy with what I have but some days life is so much more challenging than others and some days I wonder about my choices and how I got to where I am. I wonder what my girl would be like in this life. I wonder about my choices as a mother to two boys and wonder what I could have done differently and how I could have done better. Now that C is getting older the horrible saying of "I hate you mum" is starting and that really hurts. When the children are little and they do something it is because they know no better. Now that they are getting older and wiser I worry about the future and what they will be like and if I am doing a good enough job as a mother. I love my kids and I feel so protective of them, but I do wonder if I could be doing more for them. I am constantly challenged with B and his way of parenting, different to mine, not better not worse, just different. He likes to play a lot and wind the kids up! He likes to come down really hard at times and then turns around and their 'friend' again. I try to keep everything ticking along smoothly and make sure it happens when it is meant to etc and if I get time to play with the kids that is a bonus. I get lots of cuddles however especially at bed time.

If I walked a different path would I have more pain to go through in life than I already have? Would I have had less pain? Who knows, I only know that this is my path, my journey, my 'pair of shoes' and sometimes they hurt my feet and give me blisters but they have carried me a long way and I hope to keep them for some time yet, no matter how worn out they are becoming!

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger women.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author Unknown

Medical quesionaire

Recently I received a letter in the mail asking if I wanted to participate in a medical questionnaire relating to maternity services in NZ and in particular when I had Grace. I was a bit taken aback by the letter, for one thing the timing....opening this particular letter in May and the other thing was weather or not I wanted to go through the questioning. I debated the pro's and con's, talked to B about it and even discussed this with 'P' and listened to her thoughts and decided that I would go ahead and do the survey. I made the decision based on providing feedback that was mostly positive but also some issues that I wanted highlighted.

So anyway got the phone call last night and after locking myself away from the loud children and taking some deep breaths the questions began and bam....straight away was hit with a biggie and had to suck in my breath and carry on...."So did you terminate your baby or did you have a stillborn baby"?....OH F*** is all I could think and I had to answer honestly....."medical termination" I said and felt like shit saying it!

All along through this time, the fact that I had a medical termination is something I hate, something I hate living with and something I will forever feel guilty and shitty about. The other day a conversation came up at work about some new law relating to during a pregnancy and it is discovered that you are carrying a down syndrome baby, should the right to terminate be taken away. Now I struggle with these conversations as I now know how terrible it is to go through something you know you have to do, but something you feel like you cant live with what you have done. I am not going to comment on the new law as I could go on for ages, but reality was I tell people (well those that know me) that I delivered a still born baby, she was STILL BORN and I choose not to talk about the medical termination part.

So anyway the questions kept coming and they were straight to the point...when did you find out there were issues with your baby...rate your midwife 1-5.....rate your medical care.....did you have enough time to make decisions....were you supported enough....who supported you....who was there during the birth.....what would you change (sorry but dumb F'kn question to someone in my position...um I would change the fact I dont have a baby!).....and I basically had to answer questions and rate the maternity services of both my midwife and the hospital staff before, during and after we gave birth to Grace. I felt that my midwife and some of the hospital staff were supportive and did everything that they could to guide us through this time. I was fortunate to have understanding and caring people around me and I know that is does not always happen this way for other people. So therefore I made sure my answers reflected this.

I choose to do this survey so perhaps some things could be improved for other ladies who have to go through this for whatever reasons so I put forward some things I thought would be of benefit:

*Have a nice receptionist who can relate to people on a caring level and not one that was rude, uncaring and not nice to deal with like we had on several occasions.

*Don't make 'people like me' wait in the delivery suite with pregnant mums and newborns while the paperwork is completed and at a time of day that inducing etc is happening so all at one time we are in the waiting room. There should be another room where we could have waited or taken straight away to the delivery room. Or else build 'people like me' a separate entrance and exit!

*Have a social worker or support worker from SANDS contact the families regarding what the hell to do in these circumstances...financially, burial, cremation, funeral homes etc and also available counselling services. We were fortunate enough to have both T and my mum busy doing 'behind the scenes investigating' on our options and I was also very active in what I wanted to happen, but some families would not have that help and would not know what way to turn. It is all very well the hospital being involved in the medical side of things but to me and to other mums and families, a baby is being born and a baby still deserves that respect and care that any other baby gets when they are born.

*Oh yeah and dont stuff up the placenta results...when you are given the chance to receive confirmation and final results from the placenta autopsy...then make sure that the hospital ensures this happens!

So hung up the phone, burst into tears, shaking, and looked at my beautiful little angel Grace in her photo frame and all the special treasures around her. Walked out to B and asked for a hug. I hope that some good will come from my answers because I sure as heck did not do that for no reason!

Mumford and Sons song

Song I love at the moment.....(Especially since 'Grace' is mentioned in the words!)

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.

I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and mine so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

What songs do you find peace or meaning in?

Our stay at the Ronald McDonald house retreat

So our time at the Ronald McDonald house was amazing and I am glad that we went, not glad that we got to go because of what we had to go through, but glad there is a place like this for families in need. I got texts during the week from K, T and S asking how things were going, and how I was which was lovely! I felt like B and I did not get much time together which was a bit hard, but I also loved being together as a family. If I could fit everyone in the house that I wanted to it would have been even better, my closest friends and family. I had a few moments when I was sad about being there for the reason of the loss of Grace. It was a matter of pushing on through it and 'keeping on going'!

I just wanted to say that this house is made possible from donations and fundraising and from people who actually care about families. I was a bit upset last night when instead of being asked how our time away was and what we did, a comment was made about us being on holiday and using all the taxpayers money!!!

This is so not true and it was through companies in the Rotorua area that provided many vouchers that enabled us to do all the activities that we did, and it was from them that showed they cared and the companies that made a huge difference in what we were able to do this week.

We could not have afforded many of the things that we did, and by companies providing vouchers we were able to create many happy family memories. The house we stayed in was built in 2009 and with McDonald's being the leading company who put the money in, it also came from other companies who donated time and money as well as resources for the house that provide families with everything they need. For example there are quilts in the house, all handmade by love and donated to the house for on the beds. Before we went to the Ronald McDonald house, S suggested making a donation to them after we had stayed which is something that we will be doing. I will also be thanking all the companies we went to for their vouchers but also for their caring way that they dealt with us, some people really went out of their way for us.

We went to the house, like many families for a reason and that reason is related to a loss of a child or a child who has ongoing medical issues or is terminally ill. These are not nice reasons. These are not what you want in life. There are things that you never ever want to go through. Yet having this retreat house, provides families with 'time out' and a place to create new happy times! This is what we did and I am grateful that companies gave us that opportunity and felt like families deserved this!

Into the month of June

Yah we have moved out of the month of May and into the month of June! The end of May was better than I thought thank goodness. I started the month with a lot of anxiety, putting on a smile when I really was not feeling happy and sad moments when I just wanted to be by myself. As we got through the date of Grace's birth, I found myself breathing slightly easier and feeling less anxious, still missing a piece of me but knowing this will be a 'forever' thing that I will carry.

We celebrated my sisters birthday with the family and this was really nice, simple, stress free and being together. We then went to bowling later in the week which was great and the kids had a great time.

S arrived on the 24th of May with a pink helium balloon, which was lovely and we choose to keep this as the children loved it so much. I put the balloon by the table along with the flowers I had brought, the flowers T had brought and also some gifts from a friend of mums who has watched me grow up; a ornament for the christmas tree and some angel candles. I also was given a bear for Grace, from S-K and a card from her with some very touching words. I have added the photos to my previous blog.

I had a lovely lady I know come up to me and give a huge hug, asking how I was and saying that she still thinks of us and what we went through. She is trying to organise a 'pamper' place for myself and mum to go to for a break and some pampering.

I went out last night for delish pudding and a drink with 'P' and we had a great catch up and talk. We can share everything that needs to be said and things we need to get off our minds. We share our baby loss and journey together and we help each other out by being there for each other and by being supportive. We have similar emotions and feelings and may experience them at different times, but we do have what happened to us and that links us. She gave me a beautiful gift that she said she had seen and it reminded her of our two babies together.

I sat with my special items the other night and went through the box of items that I have that were either given to me for Grace or link to Grace such as the notes from the farewell service. I went through all of them and have put a few of them out in 'Graces special area' in my room. I am still wanting to buy some jewellery with hand and footprints on it, I just have not ordered it yet.

So month of June..... my birthday....my brothers birthday....girls weekend away....T moving house.....and our trip to Ronald McDonald House! We leave this Saturday and will be back the following Friday. My family will come over for one night at this stage and anyone else is welcome to visit, but unfortunately can not stay. I would rather not be going to be honest because of the reason why we are going, however I am focusing on the family and time for us to be together and have some fun and also some relaxing time.

The day we had to say goodbye, a year ago

Yesterday, May 25th, one year ago was the day we had to let Grace go after only having her here in this life with us for such a short time.

I remember the day of the farewell service....waking up and thinking how the hell am I going to get through this....mum was up early as she had stayed the night and the boys were with her in the kitchen....I don't know if I ate or not.....I got dressed and put on a black skirt for formality and a top, one I had brought to wear during my pregnancy, it just seemed right to wear that.....I remember T arriving with a platter of food and helping to get things organised at home before we had people there in the afternoon....I thought about the time and that we should be with Grace but yet not wanting to leave knowing that the day would then become real and final.....C went to school that day, I don't remember who took him there....M stayed with mum and then later with Aunty D and S....

B and I drove to Pellows.... don't remember walking in or much else except sitting in the room where the service would be....we re-arranged the chairs, checked the flowers and then Grace was brought to us....I held her and kissed her over and over, talking to her and B videoed and also held Grace at moments....

I know the time moved quickly and we knew people would arrive, so we had to place Grace back into her little casket.....it was pretty and pink, picked by B....we arranged gifts around Grace from family and friends on display that later would be placed with Grace.....people starting arriving....I cant remember who was first...I just remember thinking that I had to hold it together.....the music seemed to play for ages....the celebrant who had been at our home, met with us and had been wonderful walked in and I knew then there was no turning back, no more wishing time would stop...this was happening......

The farewell ceremony was exactly how we wanted it to be...I had carefully chosen songs and written a letter to Grace, I had talked about what I wanted to be said and not said....I decided not to have our children there, watching us and seeing the pain on everyone's faces....they would be part of the farewell later on in the day when the mood was a bit lighter.....During the ceremony I remember B holding my hand so tightly...S crying so much....B's sister standing up and reading a poem, and me trying to smile at her through the tears and the pain, not really hearing the words she was saying......I tried not to look at anyone....I couldn't bear it.....

T arranged pink helium balloons and at the end of the ceremony everyone let one go while a small poem was being read out....We hugged everyone and I remember Dad being by our car, with his hand on Grace's casket, deep in grief and not being able to face anyone....we had asked to take Grace ourselves out to the crematorium so we could have her for the last few moments....I remember the drive....I wanted it to take forever....We arrived at the crematorium...we held Grace and said goodbyes to her....I then walked and got in the car telling B to drive and hurry up, I did not want to think about the next process for her....we left the cemetery saying a hello goodbye to my grandparents, my aunty and B's dad....as we drove away the rain broke slightly and a beautiful rainbow was in the sky....I still look for rainbows.....

I had a lovely talk with one of my kindy mums who asked how I was getting on, knowing that it was about the time of Graces birth date. She was so nice and I had a lovely chat with her.

Yesterday I held a baby, not so little but small enough....he was lovely and I felt like I had achieved something by holding him, on the day that one year ago I had to stop holding my baby.

S had given us a pink helium balloon as we did not have one in Taupo, and instead of releasing it, as the kids loved it, we kept it and let the children enjoy it. Last night we let off a lantern with words from myself and the boys. I also lit a candle that was lit on the day of the farewell ceremony...was hard when it came to blowing that candle out....

Precious Child by Karen Taylor Good - this is the song we had at the farewell ceremony, can find it on UTube

Another song I have also found that is beautiful - Never be forgotten by Jessica Andrews

The first birth date

Friday....Photo shoot with T in the morning...Glamourous.....Cant wait to see the photos....home to do housework and pack for weekend.....then the nervousness kicked in with going to

the physic....talked to D on the phone who wished us all the best for the weekend.....

My reading at the physic was amazing...within minutes I was in tears and so was she! Straight away she said to me that I had been going through a tragic time in the last twelve months and was handing me a baby girl in a pink blanket and my aunty D (she named her) and my grandmother were there with Grace along with other family members....She talked to me about putting on a brave face and covering up the grief....described B and the emotions he has been through...how much he loves me and this being a huge challenge for me.....did some numbers for my birth date and said through my life I will have challenges and they will all involve family....having wonderfully supportive friends around me and how amazing they have been....spoke about how Grace was not a miscarriage....let go of the guilt....M and , their ages and personalities and how M plays with Grace as a little girl and C is aware of her but in a different way.....she talked about A and her journey and what she has gone through....I am going on holiday to Ausie or south island.....my father needs to watch his health.....another baby for B and I will happen in about a year....I am not ready yet but know that deep down I really want one even though I am saying no/yes.....next baby will be a healing baby for B and I.....talked about Grace having photos taken, cuddles and being with her when she was born....said how old Grace would have been now....talked about placenta and problems.....we are moving house, well we need to before there are problems with the land.....the letters of my babys name had a 'C' and was being given the sounds of 'c' or 's' in the name.....handed me a birthday card for both Grace and for a sibling with a birthday coming up......

So I was blown away and came away rather amazed and wondering if the girls had set up me and told A details.....I left feeling lifted up and connected to Grace, hoping and hoping that it was all real and later that day B listened to the CD, he was also suprised! So thank you so much for the reading D, S and T....just what I really needed.

So later that day after wiping away the tears.....picked up the kids from school and L's and left for Taupo....arrived about 6.30pm with the kids sleeping the whole way there....got into the hotel room...straight into the spa pool in our room....devine....then I fell asleep exhausted with kids and B playing and watching tv......

Saturday May 21st......

Woke up feeling a mixture of emotions.....sucked it all in and got out of bed with the aim to get through the day without being too upset.....had a spa with kids and McDonalds for brekie.....

Lit a candle for Grace with the kids and they sung Happy birthday which set my off crying but was really special....talked to the children about Grace and that today was the day that she was born.....

Packed up the bags and left the motel....headed to Huka falls for a walk and look around.....kids were being a handful and B and I were not feeling like dealing with it.....went to a bee hive place for M and sampled honey as well as seeing bees in the hive....took some silly photos....

Got my first text from S "hows your morning been? I hope you are having a good day, thinking of you all, stay strong and have a good day with your boys, love you and lots of big hugs from us all".....

Got a second text from V only a few minutes later "Hi, hope you are having not too sad a day today, enjoy your weekend and bet it's chilly down there"......

Got a text from S-K and family "Hope you are having fun down there, big hugs to the boys"......

Went to a park....I chased M around the playground trying to watch him but my mind on the time....B stayed in the car with C...quiet and not saying much.....both of us feeling a bit unsure, overwhelmed and sad......

Headed into town in search of pink gerba's...finally found some after becoming a bit anxious I wouldnt find them...lady asked who they were for....I said they were for a baby.....when she said "oh a new baby how lovely"...... replied and said....yes a new baby......then went to find helium as I wanted to release some pink balloons...could not find any and was becoming quite upset so flagged it and thought I just had to let it go and at least we had the lantern to let go......

Got a text from L"thinking of you T, B, M and C, we hope your day is filled with love, support and smiles from your friends and family in remberence of Grace, take care, always, xoxoxo G, T and L"......and while trying to read it for B, I burst into tears with the realisation that no matter what you do, where you are, we were trying to remember our baby and instead we should have her with us....but I was also emotional about the support and love we were getting from everyone and I guess the past twelve months all tumbled into one moment and I kinda lost it a bit....had a good cry and then sorted myself out.....

Saw the rose gardens...really wanted to go for some quiet time so C and I walked around and it felt quite calming there...talked about releasing the lantern there but choose not too.....started getting really anxious about the time and decided after a walk along the waterfront to head to a more private area we had found earlier in the day....

Went to a park on the lakefront about 2pm and choose a spot....put out the picnic rug....special items I brought along and Grace's ashes....now this is where you may think I have really lost it...however I did not feel that this was a time that I could leave them at home and it was the way to feel the closest to her that I could....I then nervously watched the time and just as 2.30pm was approaching we lit the lantern and the boys began to scatter rose petals into the lake as we talked about Grace and had our 'moment', as a family, all together and all focused on remembering Grace. After a few minutes and hugs all around, we relaxed a bit and had some lunch....I went pretty quiet for a while just reflecting on everything while B got up and played with the kids....I was so focused on this time in our lives and making sure that at exactly 2.30pm on this day we were doing something special the reality of the fact that every day we think of Grace, every day we do something that is about Grace, is remembering her and honouring her and reality is that I think we do what we can and there is only so much you can do. I love my baby girl, I miss my baby girl and I hope one day I can be with her again.

After about an hour the sun was going and it was getting cold so we headed back to the new place we were staying for the night....the boys had a spa and I just relaxed with a coffee and some quiet time.....I was actually exhausted both emotionally and physically.....

Got a text from T...."Happy birthday Grace....hope you are having a good day as a family and remembering the good feelings you had about your pregnancy before the devastation hit, thinking of you all today".....

Got a text from K..."We are thinking of you all about Grace today, take care xoxo".....

Headed to supermarket to grab some easy tea...even brought a bottle of wine....headed back to hotel....all sat together for tea and talked...this was nice....got kids ready for bed....M fell asleep on my legs...my family text asking how the day had gone....B fell asleep....C fell asleep....I thought about what the day was like after having Grace....having my mum come and visit...having Grace in my arms...seeing her dressed.....having Phil arrive from the funeral home...watching her being taken away....crying and crying...being hugged by my midwife and nurse....walking out of the hospital no longer pregnant and carrying Grace....coming home and waking the boys up just to hold them and be with them....going to bed empty and feeling alone...

Sat there thinking about all that we had been through as a family and thanked 'someone' for us all still being together after this huge tragedy.....

Decided to watch a movie and didnt want to sleep until after 12pm, decided that I wanted to see this day through till the end...sat up watched a movie....S text to see how I was getting on....Tres text and said they had found a lantern and with Vand R they were going to let it go for Grace along with messages they had written on it.....B woke up and watched another movie with me....at 12.01pm I decided it was time I could go to sleep.....

Sunday...

the day after Grace's birth date....

woke with a lighter feeling and slightly more relaxed....today I was not dependent on the time and felt that we had done what we could to remember Grace and make the day special....my aim was for us as a family to be together and we achieved that along with Grace being forever with us in thoughts and in our hearts....Grace will always be part of our lives, no matter what day or time it is and she will always be spoken of and remembered. Grace was also remembered by family and friends and that was special, this just means so much to us and is appreciated.

After the boys had another spa, we packed up and headed off...stopped at a graveyard (as suggested by S and it felt right to do this) and found a grave of a baby girl, a twin, who died not long after birth, placed some flowers on her grave.....then went for a walk around the geothermal park then headed home. All very tired and wanting to get back home again......

Dear baby girl Grace

Dear Grace

Tommorow is the day that you were born one year ago, 21st May 2010 at 2.30pm. As a family we will honour your memory and think of you, it is nothing new to think of you, but we will be together and we will be only thinking of you. I would love to be preparing for your first birthday in such a different way and have you here with me, crawling around, getting into mischief like your cousin N and here with us being part of our every day lives.

I miss you, I wish you were here. I love you and I only knew you for 5months. In 5 short months I had planned many things for you, my baby, a brother or sister to C and M and our third child.

I remember the day you were born, I was scared to start off with not knowing what to expect, but I was wanting to meet you, wanting to hold you and wanting to keep you. Delivering you was hard, the anticipation of the un-known. The pain was minimal compared to the aching of losing you. I was in awe of your tiny features, so beautifully formed, so perfect. Your little lips, your little hands and even little fingernails. The atmosphere was calm and relaxed when you were born, there were not even many tears...just a moment in time in which I was with you, I had you and I never wanted to let you go. You looked so lovely when you were dressed. I willed your eyes to open, your chest to breathe, for everything to be ok...knowing that I was asking for the impossible.

One year almost since we stepped into the hospital carrying you with me and then leaving the hospital without you. One year almost since your life ended and it felt like mine had too. One year almost of grieving for you and being confused, upset and aching. One year almost....and trying to keep one foot in front of the other....living....moving.....remembering....focusing.......

appreciating people.....and forever cherishing you.

I hope you are happy and playing and with family or other children up in heaven, flying with the angels, playing on rainbows, walking in gardens and being free. I can only hope that you know how much you are loved and also missed. You are in my thoughts, my heart every day and I carry your memory with me forever, till the day I see you again. You are my tinkerbell, my angel, my fairy, my tiny tiny baby. You are my girl, my lost baby girl but you are mine and I love you so much.

Taking those pills a year ago

One year ago today, I took those dreaded tiny pills. I remember walking into the hospital shaking and wanting to run away. I don't remember much else in between from that moment to the next where I was sitting with specialists, my midwife, B and then holding onto the pills....trying to keep it all together...I remember everyone looking at me and waiting for me to take the pills....I asked for confirmation that this really was the 'best' option and that there really was no hope for a healthy baby.....I sat for about half an hour just crying and having B hug me then I gulped the pills down and asked to leave....I came home and I went to my room....lay on the bed and repeated over and over what I had already been saying to Grace for the past days...."I am sorry, I am sorry"......then I waited to see if labour would start.....

One year on and today the day has gone better than I was thinking it actually would, thank goodness! I woke with the thoughts of this day arriving and trying my best to push the thoughts away...I got up and got busy with taking C to school and then housework at home....reading books with M.....packing the bags to go away....getting texts and phone calls from friends to say "hope your day goes ok"....my brother even text which is amazing and actually lifted me up quite a bit!

I decided to do a scrapbook page about Grace to help and it made me feel good to finish this off.

I also thought about how we are going to make Grace's birth date special and meaningful and have talked through ideas with S too which include a donation to the Ronald McDonald house, lighting a candle and releasing a pink balloon.

I also wanted to plant my cherry tree from my parents, so S helped me dig the hole...no easy task.....and we planted the tree....felt good and special doing this.

I was given some items today from S; two angel items....one from Grace to me and one for Grace. Beautiful and special!

S invited us for tea tonight and had suggested a family get together if I had wanted to...but at the same time T invited us for tea for T's birthday so we are heading there shortly. I was unsure the other day if I would want to be doing anything, based on how some evenings I have felt utterly wiped out and sad, however I decided as I felt ok today and it was good to have a good time to look forward to.

Tommorow T and I are doing a photo shoot that T arranged and it is about 'friends'. I then have my physic reading and we will head off to Taupo once the kids are picked up. So a busy day but will be good to keep going and busy!

Getting through this month and memories

Trooping along through the month, some days have been easier than others and throw 'that time of the month' into the timing....have kept busy this weekend so tired now but been really good!

I remember that when I was still pregnant with Grace, and in the midst of everything happening, the first time I saw my dad was over the weekend and how he found it so difficult to speak to me, he was really emotional and I ended up having to start the conversation just to keep the silence broken. I remember that we went to an art exhibition at the museum, one that my sister had done a painting for. I wanted to go, to get out of the house, to feel like part of life and slightly normal. It was pouring with rain and I remember thinking "don't slip" when I was running cause that could be bad for the baby then thinking "maybe that would be a good thing right now".....

I remember going into the funeral home and walking up the reception saying that we needed to plan our baby's funeral and then speaking with the director (who was amazing and comforting), and when he asked "so where is the baby now" and I grabbed my stomach saying that I still had her, but the hospital was taking her soon.....Planning a farewell for your baby is something you never ever imagine having to do...

T helped heaps with going into a funeral home, asking questions and finding out information for us....she also went to a shop and found delicate items; gown, booties and a beanie....at the time I thought they would fit...turns out they were too big for my tinkerbell! S made items and asked me what I wanted....a little dress, a blanket, one for Grace and one for me to keep.....Mum rang around places asking questions about a farewell and where we would hold it.....Mum was here to look after the boys whenever we asked her.

I pushed B's family away, I pushed other people away.....I didn't want to answer questions, I didn't want to be looked at and have people wonder how I was and what to say to me....I was hanging on by a thread and needed to stay strong......

I searched Google for songs that were just right... needed something that said what I couldn't....'precious child' said it all....said everything I wanted to.

I sat and wrote Grace a letter, I needed to get everything said....we met with a celebrant who was lovely....she helped us with getting ready for the farewell and having it just how we wanted...

So this month I have felt very looked after and special! I have received some lovely gifts and wanted to share them...things that make me feel like Grace is honoured and special and very much part of our lives. The little china watering can is something C found at an opshop and said he wanted to put it with Graces items. The flowers and the keyring "G" charm were from T. The photography session was from S. The angel charm was from D. Along with these gifts I have had texts and been asked and looked after which has been so special and I am very appreciative! I hope I can re-pay the generosity and the niceness that I have felt!

Awful days

I am re-hashing so much of the past and memories that keep re-surfacing...some of the blog entries I have copied some of the text from the original posts on my blog....please dont feel like you have to be reading these....I just need to get it out of my head...it does help me.....

One year ago TOMMOROW I came home from the hospital following a devastating day of revelations, truth and a huge needle being stuck into me. We arrived at the hospital to be greeted by a rude receptionist. I remember being told we were in the wrong place...then having to wait alongside other pregnant mums, most of whom looked like they couldn't be bothered with being their or helping their unborn child. I remember waiting for the first specialist who did a scan and I remember the baby not moving much on the screen. I remember being excited to see my baby and then reminding myself that we may not get to have this baby for keeps. We still did not know if we were having a boy or girl. We were told we had to wait for further test results. I remember coming out of that scan thinking that maybe there was hope, maybe they saw something that could be fixed, maybe it was going to be ok, maybe our baby would just be born early.....

I then went into another room, shaking and holding B's hand to see another specialist who had see the results of the scan.....

Further investigations revealed that our tiny baby had stopped growing at 16weeks and there were complications with the brain, heart and bowels. After hearing the devastating news and hardly believing what we were hearing, the decision had to made about what to do.

I was advised to have an amnio to investigate things more closely and this was an ordeal in itself.

I could not stop shaking from the news we had just been given and was in total shock, so being asked to lie completely still while a needle draws fluid from your belly was rather tricky! They told me I could wait and do this another day...I just wanted to get it over and done with. Before I walked down to the room I remember I stopped in the hallway and broke down. I then made myself pull it together and walk into the room for the amnio. I could not look at the screen with the baby. I felt awful. My tummy was numb from the wonderfully kind nurse who put numbing cream on my belly. She stayed to hold my hand during the amnio. Once this was completed we discussed further plans with the specialist and were sent home to think about what we were going to choose to do. I remember her saying that even if we were religious, she would still advise us to go ahead with medical termination. I remember asking again about any chance, she shook her head saying brain damage would be expected.

I walked into our house where mum was, she took one look at me, I shook my head and went to my room to be alone.....

We then started letting people know what was happening....I couldnt bear to see people...I could hardly bear to look at myself....

The next few days were horrific and heart wrenching and I cried the most I ever have without hardly stopping and at times finding it difficult to even breathe. We came to the decision that a medical termination was really our only option and the option that the hospital was advising us to go ahead with also. Our tiny baby was given little chance of living, if the baby carried inside me through until 28 weeks that would be considered a miracle and basically the amount of brain damage the baby would have along with the growth restriction gave our baby a grim life with continuous battles, operations and that was even if the baby survived long after birth. Based on the fact that we were lucky enough to have two healthy boys and that we couldn't turn their lives upside down and also that we did not want to put a child through any type of suffering, we agreed to the medical termination.

It made me sick what we were doing, I felt like a murderer and felt like I was the worst mother. I said sorry over and over again to the baby and could not believe what was about to happen.

I began to think of names for the baby...boy names...girl names....Michael for a boy (S and R were considering this name, said I could use it, meaning being linked to archangel Michaal) and the name Grace came to me for a girl....just felt right...mum requested we use her mums name Mary....I also wanted Kay in the name too......

On the Monday I went to my midwife as that was my scheduled day to see her.....tests came back from the amnio and that was clear so good news as far as not having any chromosomal complications, however the blood test revealed the cause of the damage to the baby, and it was from an infection. A simple bloody infection that I had caught early in the pregnancy, about the tenth week and that presents itself as a cold. I had no immunity to this infection and it passed through the placenta and causing the terrible damage to the baby. The name of the infection is Cytomegalovirus (CMV for short). So we had an answer to the cause but this still did not make things any easier. I searched the web for other families that had been affected by this virus and found many stories with children who either survived and were very handicapped or children who did pass away very early on in life. I felt better knowing slightly that we were making the right decision but still felt awful about what was to come and what I had to do.

I came home that day with a piece of paper that B and I took into the room and opened up....I asked the midwife to write the sex of the baby on this as it had come back in the tests....GIRL....written boldly on the paper....B walked out the room...upset and feeling so sorry for me.....I felt gutted and lost......I knew then our baby would be named Grace and everything we did for her would be pink....pink for a princess...pink for my girl!

The day we found out

One year ago today on a Monday,I was in utter disbelief and thrown into a place I never thought I would be...one year ago today I went to work thinking that this was the day I would find out the sex of my baby so went through the day with total butterflies....

B had reminded me that finding out the baby was healthy was the main thing....

Leaving work early and meeting B at the radiology clinic...I even remember where I parked the car....I remember sweaty hands and nervous pee's in anticipation of being told if I was carrying a boy or a girl...I remember nervous and excited looks at B and wondering....I remember I had written down boy/girl on the paper for the radiographer to circle.....

We went into the room...I recognised the radiographer from the scan I had at twelve weeks and her saying that was the bounciest baby she had scanned all day......the gel went on my belly.....I sucked backed the thoughts of boy/girl boy/girl racing through my head and tryed to focus on the scan....I was asked about the growth of my first two babies and their IUGR and at what stage this happened almost straight away...didnt think anything of it at the time but do remember looking at the screen and seeing the weeks were not adding up with my due dates....the radiographer was chatty and friendly all during this time...focused a lot on the brain...thought she was just being consistent... I passed her the paper with the baby's sex on it and asked her to circle one when she saw it....towards the end of all the baby's body being scanned I was starting to think that the time had gone on far too long, nearly half an hour....she said she had to check some things out with her supervisor...she did this last time so I thought no need to worry....B commented on how long she took looking at the brain...the supervisor came back and hardly spoke to us.....very quickly she obviously saw areas of concern and pointed out to me that they were worried about the size of the baby and the kidneys....she looked straight at me and said I would have to go to the hospital and she would contact the hospital immediately and my midwife, I laughed it off a bit and said I was no stranger to the hospital and when she just stared at me I knew things were a bit serious....I asked again about the baby's sex, and she told me I would have to ask at the hospital.....she wished me well and said to wait in the waiting room for our DVD of the scan.....

B and I walked into the waiting room and I felt like I was going to collapse...I told him I had to get out of there and went to the car and then burst into tears....I knew something was not ok and it was very early in the pregnancy for the growth to already be declining....the boys stopped growing 32weeks onwards....the kidneys that was ok....there were surgeons that deal with that sort of thing weren't there?....bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy...how would I deal with school pick ups etc...I remember all of these things were running through my head.....

It took ages for the DVD, the ladies must have been discussing weather or not to give it to us and busy contacting the midwife....

I had text messages from people asking 'what sex is the baby' and I had to text back "not sure yet, baby bit small, head to hospital and know more then"...I didn't know anything more than that...I didn't want mum to know there were kidney problems too.....

Finally B came out, I bawled again and said I thought I was ok to drive home...we were in separate cars...I drove home shaking and pushing back the tears....

Arrived home and pretended everything went ok we just had to get more information from the hospital....I was lying to my mum who was there looking after the kids...she knew from the way she looked at me something else was going on....they left....I collapsed on my bed and could not stop the tears......

Midwife rang...I refused her call.... couldn't bear to speak to anyone....she called again one hour later...I listened as she told me she had the results....it was worse that I had been told....heart...bowels...growth stopped at 16weeks...brain development....my head was racing and I tried to write it all down... goggled it all later...my life was changing rapidly and spinning out of my control....I was told to expect to be asked to have an amnio....needles I hate needles....my midwife was sympathetic and careful to only say what she had to....I had to wait now until I got an appointment at the hospital for further explanations and tests.....things were grim....I knew it and I was a bloody mess.....

Hardly slept all night and when I did it was only for short times, waking to find myself hoping like anything I just woke from a nightmare...only to find that it was real and I couldn't do anything to stop it all....tears and more tears....anger....confusion....uncertainty.....

Actually thought that going to work the next day would be ok, I thought I could do it to keep busy and my mind off what was happening, pretend it wasn't happening....walked up the pathway with K and burst into tears....drove home and threw myself on the bed....rang B

said I really needed him home...I needed someone to hold...someone who knew what was going on....S text to ask really how things were, knowing something was not right....I told her briefly without really knowing myself....she arrived armed with baking and comfort.....T was in Ausie....I didn't want to tell her, knew nothing could be done...she found out and came to see us as soon as she was back...I hid what was happening from everyone else....truth was I didn't know and I didn't feel like facing or talking to anyone....I had no answers until I had been to the hospital....I spent the couple of days waiting...crying....agonising....

Mothers day without my baby

The day started with mixed emotions....knowing that today was to be celebrated as being a mother and also for my mother, but also knowing that my daughter was not here to celebrate with me.

The boys jumped on the bed early so no sleep in but with their excited faces and a bag of goodies for me, how could I say no! I was gifted coffee, wine, chocolate and some cards the kids had worked hard on. I smiled through tears of both sadness and happiness!

B was in the kitchen cooking breakfast and served me pancakes, yummy and also gave me a bunch of roses. Very sweet!

I then headed for a shower and had so many thoughts about Grace and tried to focus on being happy for the day and getting through it. I then went to open the pendent I had brought for myself with a baby and mother symbol to help me feel like Grace was close.

I received several texts and emails about motherhood and wishes for a happy mothers day!

So the morning was spent with B's side of the family and then we headed home so I could get ready for the afternoon with my family.

We had a special tea party together with the girls and the kids...lots of noise but lots of delish food and tea tasting along with the beautiful tea cups and the feeling of being elegant and 'high class'. We even had flowers on the table hand-picked by C and M as well as roses from S's garden, including 'Grace' roses! Wonderful! While we were sitting down mum smiled and I instantly recognised a song that mum has always called my baby song, it is about a baby and how lovely she is and the song that mum heard lots when I was first born...quite cool how it played right at the time we were together!

To end of the day the boys all joined us for food and then in true style the rest of our family joined us...the E's.....with their own celebration of selling their house...and the news they will stay around town until next year, Yah!

A very busy day but ended up being really great. We also ended the evening releasing one of our lanterns, just me and boys together....M said how sad he was about Grace, waving goodbye to the lantern and calling the lantern Grace....C snuggled in and quietly watched...we all stayed outside to watch as the lantern touched the stars and became the brightest star....

I have felt really special and taken care and have received some gifts over the past few days, I will share those in another post. It is time to relax for me! So happy mothers day you wonderful beautiful mothers!

How do you spend mothers day? How do you spend fathers day? And all those other days?

Month of May 2011

So today the month of May begins.....

My first thoughts are with 'P' who tommorow will be focusing on the day her baby was born one year ago. She was dreading the day and has been going through varying thoughts so big hugs to her.

I know this will be a month of re-living moments, remembering Grace and how she was our baby and moments of wishing, guilt, sadness and focusing on getting through those moments. I want to be happy, I want to be ok and will try hard to be, but I know I also have to allow myself time, time to think, reflect, grieve and regain focus.

People say time heals, it does....however time is sometimes fast and sometimes slow. I feel like time has helped heal the wound; at first the wound was a gash wide open, bleeding and bloody painful with a lot of tears and inner screaming, not knowing how it would heal and knowing it would leave a mark.....as time goes on the blood stops, the wound heals over and leaves a scar, every now and then you look at that scar and you have a reminder to flash you back to the original hurt and once again you are thinking, remembering and wondering how you ever got to this point of almost feeling mostly ok again.

Mostly I am ok, mostly I can focus on daily living now, mostly I can walk the day without crying and focusing on my life as it is now. I think of Grace every day, sometimes a lot and it takes up a lot of time, sometimes I think of her a little bit and it takes up a little bit of time.

So today went well anyway for the first day of the month of May! Early this morning S text me a lovely text about being here for me this month in particular. I went shopping with T, yah love shopping and I drank coffee and ate sushi which I also love to do. I kept busy and after supermarket shopping with T, we all had tea together.

Grace is never far from thoughts, mine and other peoples. Today T asked about Graces due date during a conversation, S and mum went shopping and have brought a flowering cherry tree which I have been wanting for ages. B talked about when we found out that Grace was not ok at our scan. Last week T asked me about going to see a physic that we know, and asked if it was ok to book me in this month, May 20th.

Our holiday away last week was lovely, time out and being by the beach...can see why people want to live there! My sister and her daughter came with us so was nice with them spending time doing a bit of shopping, time on the beach, walks and relaxing.

We will go away for Graces birth date and am thinking about how to make it a day that will be hard but special for both Grace and our family. It is a mixed feeling of being really upset and angry we dont have a baby to celebrate her first birthday with and forever more but also having to ensure the day is 'special' for us. I wish it didn't have to be this way, never in a million years would I have thought we would be talking about our baby being in heaven and how to make Grace's birth date one to remember...however she was and is part of our family, therefore never to be forgotten and will forever be cherished by us. I do not expect people to understand this, or to even try to, I just want people to know that I do my best to face each day, but f0rever I am changed and forever I am still a mum who does not have her baby girl.

So onwards from here, and taking it day by day and focusing on life and living it and remembering the good, even though it is hard to do a bit at the moment.

So be prepared for a month of long blog entries!

To all my friends and family

Reading other peoples blogs about them losing their baby/babies is something I never ever imagined that I would ever be doing, want to be doing or something I never thought I could 'stomach'. Now this is something that is part of almost my daily routine....have found another blog from a lady who really speaks from the heart, leaves no word or emotion out of what she says and today I found what she had to say very true and thought I would share what she said...this is for my friends and family who stood by me during the tough times and are still standing by me and are not afraid to mention Grace and make her a part of our family, which is just what I want. I thank you all very much and know that I really do appreciate having you in my life.

And I wondered, as I clicked away, about all the people who failed to even attempt to understand us: who just moved on, and ignored it, and forgot it, and refused to talk about it. The people who thought they were insulating themselves against our deadbaby juju by stepping a good ten feet away and using hand sanitizer. The people who thought our lives were "too negative!" and they were doing them-positivity-selves a favor by not reaching out into the morass.

But maybe this woman is right, and these people couldn't muster up enough kindness for themselves to open the door to someone else's hurt. I'm not sure I have enough self-compassion to feel sorry for them, but it did make me think about them, even for just a few minutes. I realized we aren't the pity parties, they are. They're the self-absorbed ones, who blather on about wallowing and moving on. We're not the one's who are alone, they are. We're the normal, the ones with suffering, they're in denial. The people who can sit and be with us and our pain? Are truly good to themselves and understand compassion and its interconnectedness -- probably to such an extent that it's interwoven and unconscious. I should probably strive to be one of these people. I owe them so much.

www.glowinthewoods.com