Nearly Christmas....and another year gone

I have not written here for ages now.  It is not that I stop thinking about Grace and that will never happen.  I just have to be honest and say that life gets busy again, your life does carry on as much as some days it feels it wont, and my two other children take up a lot of time.  I enjoy life most days.  I still live with loss and this will never change.  I guess my emotions have settled and mostly I have them under control.  I will never say that I accept what happened.  I just don't believe that I can accept.

I find that I still cry at mothers in books or on tv who are going through any kind of turmoil or loss with a child, I feel so much pain for them and then think of the pain I went through and still go through some days.  I still light a candle and sit quietly staring into the flame and thinking of Grace..where is she now, is she anywhere, is she around me?  I still print photos that remind me of Grace and honour her memory.  I take photos of my roses and blossom tree when in bloom to remind me of beauty and what the plants stand for.  I find that I miss scrapbooking pages about Grace and wish I had more time to do it.  I catch a glimpse of a lovely little girl at play and wonder if that what my Grace would have grown to be like.  I see the way people look suddenly at me every now and then when a topic comes up that could offend my.  I get offended when people forget and careless things are said but then remind myself, this is my loss not theirs and cant expect them to always remember.

I put up the Christmas tree and with care hung all the decorations that are symbolic of Grace.  I got a bit teary eyed and had to give up for a while.  I then smiled and embraced how much love went into choosing these ornaments but wished they were for rememberence and honour in life rather than in loss.

We had some visitors who don't know our journey and their little girl was called Ella Grace.  Matthew piped up "hey just like our Grace" and I was frightened that the mum would ask "who is Grace" and I wouldn't have known how to answer.  I still find times that are difficult and not sure what an 'appropriate response' is.  I could shrug it off and pretend not to hear but it feels so wrong to do that.  I could answer honestly and say "Grace is our baby that we gave birth to stillborn 5months into the pregnancy" and then be met with sympathy or silence.  I don't want to explain.  I don't want it to be real.  I don't want to have to answer this but I also want to be honest with our children.

I wrap presents in preparation for Christmas and think to myself how many more there would be if Grace was here.  I think about how life would be different if she was here and if we would still be travelling 5hours to stay in a caravan at the beach.  I look in pain at the fairy dresses and tutu skirts and wish I could buy one for Grace, not for another child, for Grace.

I have started trying for another baby.  I am not sure if this is really the 'right' place to write this but got to share.  I had some fear at first, I cried after realising that I wanted another baby and that we would not be getting Grace back.  I then took it easy and focused on 'see what happens' and five months down the track we are just 'waiting' and cruising.  I cant put all my energy in knowing we may not come out on the other side with anything.  I don't want to love a baby and then lose again.  I don't want to feel that anxiety.  I also know I don't want to look back and regret not having another baby.  It is very confusing and scary and no-one understands unless they have been through this.

It sounds awful but some days when the kids are pushing me to the brink I wonder if we lost Grace because I struggle some days with the boys then I tell myself not to be so silly.  I wonder why and wonder how I could have done things differently to avoid catching the virus and know deep down that there was no changing what happened. I know that it just happened.  It sux.  It sux big time and we have no control over some things.  Why us...why not us?  Some people have so much worse going on in their lives and I have to try and be grateful that I have two healthy boys, challenging but healthy and we are still living.  It still sux though no matter how positive you try to be.

Another year of life has nearly come and gone as we near the end of 2102.  I am mixed about this. The realisation that another year has passed and takes us further away from when Grace was born and everything was real and raw but still fresh memories and we had her with us.  Now we are getting further away from that and people have less understanding about the grief you still carry.

I am sad my boys are getting older and their lives are changing so much now, so many sports and Matthew due to start school. I now have the stark realisation that he no longer will be with me during most of the day and he will be at school.  I will be left with no pre-schoolers and that makes me sad.  People rejoice about having all that extra time, but I just feel sad and think back of the last few years and the sadness of just coping, no delete that, just barely getting through each day is what was the focus and to know that I have lost so much time with Matthew in particular is sad for me.  I cant get back that time.  I couldn't change anything about it.  But I tried my best as a mother of two preschoolers and a mother who lost a baby, I tried my best just to exist and be here and get to the next day.  I would like to think that I did a good job creating memories and being their mum, but truthfully I cant remember much of it as my mind was often with Grace.

I am sad that this year has meant big changes in our family and the break up of my brothers marriage has carried some stress and also sadness.  To have someone so close, no longer in our lives is hard and I am slowly adjusting however regardless of what hurt she brought upon us all, she did have a good side and she was an amazing support to me when I needed someone the most.  I wish her all the best for life and hope she can find the happiness she is searching for.

A past friendship has been re-united for me which is pretty amazing.  All without effort and I just let it happen. I gave up a long time ago trying to 'make things work' with friends and some have come, some have gone.  All of them have left me with good memories and I will cherish those.  However losing a baby makes you realise that life is bigger than squabbles with friends and if they matter and think I matter, they will be in my life, and if not then good luck to them on living their lives.

My marriage is strong, my love for my children is immense, my strength is there when I draw upon it, my family is supportive and amazing, my friends provide me with laughs and good times, my job is enjoyable, my house was built by us and how we want it, my car is new and great, our holidays are filled with fun and lots to do, our bank account could be higher, music provides me with relief and time to sing out-loud with happiness or pain, my life could almost be described as perfect....except we are missing our baby....we don't have Grace to hold in our arms and she will always be our angel, our precious child and our baby daughter who we love so much more than words can describe.
I wish her a Merry Christmas for tommorow and I now have tears as I think of her, tiny, in our arms but still......her memory remains.......I have hope that she is dancing with angels and catching glitter from the fairies as they fly with her amongst a garden of flowers and other children are there with her, laughing and playing and loving and knowing that Grace is loved.

All about when my babies were babies...

Lately it seems the subject and talk has been around babies and when babies were babies and what my babies were like....so many babies seem to keep getting born around me at the moment...great for them and their families...not so great for me and my emotions.....Im happy for them Im just sad for me.....So many things have been talked about in relation to kids and when they were born etc and what it was like etc and today I was talking about my two boys, their birth and what they were like when they were born.....on my way home from dropping my youngest son at kindergarten the stark realisation hit me that I talked about them like they were my only two babies....and yet they were not!  I have had three babies, three pregnancies and three very much wanted, much loved children.  However I have two boys living that people in general know about or talk about. 
Grace is not talked about much.  Grace is no longer part of many of my conversations with my friends or family.  Not because that is what I choose, its what they choose.  They choose to no longer mention her.  They are past the point of realising that she still matters, she is still part of my everyday longing for her and they are past realising that I still hurt this much.  Most people dont know that.  Only the people very close to me know. 
As I drove home I felt guilt that my conversation this morning revolved around my boys and how they looked at birth etc but yet I didnt once say "Grace was tiny, Grace was only 210g. Grace was 20weeks early, Grace was my light and my love but Grace was also my baby I lost, my baby I couldnt hold forever and my baby that I have no longer".  Only in memory and in the ashes I have in my special angel box in my room, only the items of rememberence, only the poems, only the photos, only the jewellery....thats what I have left.  I cant take more photos, I cant hold her again, I cant cuddle her or be challenged by her. I cant tuck her into bed at night, I cant greet her in the morning with a kiss and a cuddle.  I miss her.  I really really miss her.  I dream of what would have been.  I think about the little girl she should be now, a toddler, a cheeky girl getting into mischief and up to no good.  I think about how life would have been with 3 children, with two boys and one girl.  I think about how busy life would be.  I think about how good life would be.  I think about why the heck life/god/nature thought I needed to learn something.  I think that things happening for a reason is utter bullshit.  I miss her.  I miss Grace.  I long for the daughter I have always wanted in my life so that I can take her to tinkerbell movies instead of borrowing my neice just so I can take a girl to the movie.  I ache for the loss.  I feel hurt by comments that arent intended to be hurtful but they are just thoughtless.  I feel pain.  I know Im never getting her back.  I want her back.  I want my daughter.  I want Grace in my arms.  I dont want this pain and this loss and this life.  I want three children here and I want to talk openly about Grace like I can talk openly about my boys.  I just want her here. 
Some days just suck and some days just hurt even more.

The other day two 'friends' decided to facebook hack my site and stupidity took over and I was fuming...putting on my page along the lines of me expecting another baby....I was angry and hurt by their actions.  What they thought was funny was a senseless, hurtful act that I'm still reeling from.  The link to the talk that people would question me about being pregnant is just too hard to deal with.  One 'friend' apologised and had not realised the impact.  I think she truly did feel remorseful and really just had not thought.  The other friend laughed it off...still considering if she really should be in my life anymore....it is not funny, it was hurtful and it upset me to the point of tears and tieing my stomach in knots fo rthe night and the next day. I felt sick about it.

I miss her.  It's simple.  Nothing more to say, except I miss you Grace, I love you every day of my life.

It will never be ok

I pondered the thought the other day of how to be ok about what has happened, how some people manage to move forward and seem to accept what has happened as being 'meant to be' or in the 'grand plan' etc etc.   Now I'm going to say straight up from right here that I am writing from my grief, my pain, my journey and no-one else's and religion does not play a part in my life to any large degree so therefore what I say may be offensive however this is my story and my life.

I will never accept that 'it just wasn't meant to be' because why the f*** not?  Why could I not have had my perfect family with my two very adorable but very energetic boys, my wonderful husband, my great job as a teacher and then to have had our little girl, something I have dreamed of all my life.  Because it just wasn't meant to be...bullshit is what I say to that and to those that believe that.

I will never understand that every life has to has lessons and this is mine...what the hell am I meant to have learnt by having to be the person to decide my child's life would end in order to prevent her from not having a life and what have I learnt by having to be in pain for every day of my living days with the loss of my baby whom I can never ever hold again.  What have I learnt...nothing good at all.  I can not put a positive spin on the fact my daughter is gone.  I can not conjure up some positive things to say about life and the grand master plan and how I have learnt from this.
What I have learnt is something I already knew but now it has been strengthened: *Family is so precious, don't waste time without them in your life.  *Friends will come and go, spend time and focus on the ones who spend time with you and focus on you.  *Life is unfair, life can be cruel and life was extremely unfair and cruel to me and my family.  *Nature is harsh, it has no boundaries and nature hits when it wants, with such force and there aint a damn thing you can do about it.  *Medical professionals, they have their limitations and no matter how much we want them to have that magic wand they cant take all the bad stuff away from bodies.  *Loss is huge and everyone copes in different ways, now I know how it feels to lose a child where before I only thought it would feel awful and wondered how people could survive such a loss.  *Time, it just keeps moving along and in time people forget and almost expect you to also.  I have lost time with my two boys because my time was spent mourning my daughter.  I can never get that time back but I can also never change that time.
I could have learnt these lessons without losing my daughter.  I could have figured them out along the way as I aged or as I lost pets etc.  My daughter didn't have to not be in our lives to teach me anything except that I have loved so much harder and deeper than I thought possible for someone I only knew for 20 weeks and yet that someone is my little baby, my girl, my daughter, my much wanted child that will forever be in our hearts and memories for our entire breathing days.

I carry the guilt of the fact that I went through with a medical termination.  I did that.  I feel sick about it every time I think about it and I try to bury it within myself, but the truth is I did something I never ever thought I would do and I feel horrified at myself and carry that guilt and disgust forever within me.  There is a part of me that hates me and what I did.  There is a part of me that also recognises that the decision was not taken lightly, it was done under medical guidance and realisation that if, IF our daughter had of even been born breathing, she would have almost %100 been mentally handicapped, physically and mentally incapable of ever leading a life of 'normality' and would be dependent on the medical professionals to keep her alive and for me to keep her safe and loved.  I would have loved her.  I would have fought all her battles.  But I would have hated myself for putting her body though such struggle and it was a choice that had to be made.  Some people don't have that choice and they wouldn't choose any different.  But for me and my family and the fact that I didn't want us ripped apart and our lives forever in both love and despair for this child, this person who would never walk, talk, or experience life as we know it was just too much to bear.  Was I weak in this decision.  Should I have let life take over and just see what happened, I can never answer that but I forever question myself on that also.

It will never be ok that my daughter is not here with us.  It will never be ok that Grace is not here fighting with her brothers, growing older, getting into the kitchen cupboards, learning how to walk, taking her first steps, smiling up at us, posing for the million photos I love to take, and it will never be ok that her life is over and it will never be ok that I can not hold her again.  It will never be ok that she is gone.  It just never will be ok.....

September is nearly over

So it is almost the end of September...I don't like September much. I look forward to it being another month past our pain and past reminders of what should have been.  September is the month our Grace was due.  September 30th 2010 was the due date however quite likely she would have been born at the beginning of the month if she followed pattern of my two boys.  So September is a long month for me...the beginning is a reminder and the end is a reminder.  I try to keep busy.  I try to ignore what the days are and what they mean.  They mean nothing to anyone else around me now.  No-one else remembers now that is has been more than one year.  Everyone moves on, but I cant, I don't and I'm still reminded.  Im better than I was.  Some days anyway....Some days I'm ok....some days I smile and I'm actually great and have good days....other days I wallow and I feel so sad and sooooo lost and just want my baby.  Some days I feel like nothing every happened and then I catch a glimpse of a child who would be Graces age, or I see something on tv that triggers everything all over for me.  I was asked if I had watched the latest programme on tv with women in the birthing unit.  Why the f*** would I want to watch that!  Seriously I couldn't bring myself to watch that.  I cant look for too long at the photograph in my room of Grace...I feel too sad and I don't want to go down that dark path.  I want to remember her but I also don't want to feel sadness and pain.  I was asked by someone who knew what happened how I was doing.  It was nice she cared enough to ask because it's been a long time since anyone recognized the fact I still grieve, I still care, I don't just live and forget.  I will never forget.  I spent last Sunday night crying and feeling so upset and this was quite unexpected.  It came from nowhere and the grief was striking me down and pushing me under.  I felt so absorbed in the loss of Grace I could hardly focus on anything else.  It was exhausting.  I was overwhelmed and hurting.  I feel guilty that I haven't blogged for ages.  I feel that I had nothing new to write except my grief and my pain.  I feel guilty I haven't scrapbooked about Grace for ages.  To be honest I just haven't had the time or the energy.  I have to be able to focus and deal with the sadness that comes while looking through images, pretty things to put on a page and know that each photo I scrapbook is closer to being the end of the pile of photos that I can never take again.  I take photos of candles burning that I light for memories,  I take photos of my blossoms and roses that are significant, I take photos of anniversaries, but I can never ever ever take another photo of Grace and that sux, its painful to think about and it pisses me off really.  I'm angry that people have chances to spend time with their kids and they don't.  I'm angry that people hurt their kids and not take care of them.  I'm angry people laugh off the fact they are pregnant again without even trying.  I'm angry that I don't have Grace.  I am angry that I have not had a 'sign' to let me know she is ok.  I am angry that life has changed and she is not here with us.  I am angry that I haven't got 'my girl' and spending time with other little girls is just not the same.  I miss Grace and I still treasure her and wish that things were different.

what they say

this is a post from a blog that I follow and find it very inspiring, truthful and can relate to many of the posts. I especially love this post and wanted to share it.

http://www.glowinthewoods.com/home/2012/8/18/what-they-say.html

what they say

Today's post isn't going to be lyrical or beautiful.  It's not going to uplift you or share a new perspective on the terrible tragedy of losing a baby.  And it also contains a fair bit of swearing so be forewarned.  

Today's post is about other people, the ones that have all their kids and don't know one single thing about how to talk to us, how to behave like a true friend, how to navigate in our dark depths and instead say incredibly stupid and insensitive things without using their heart or brain before opening their mouths.  So, let's start with my favorite:

"Well, everything happens for a reason."

What I want to say & do in reply:

Oh really?  It does?  So when I wind up my arm and clench it into a fist and punch that person directly in their disgusting, thoughtless mouth, I can just chalk it up to 'everything happening for a reason?'  What a relief!  I thought the Universe was just random, brutal and unforgiving, but here you are with your deep wisdom born of nothing, telling me I can do whatever the fuck I want because hey!  It all happens for a reason!  And the reason you are flat on your back from my knuckle sandwich is because you're an unthinking, insensitive ass.

What I say instead:

I disagree.  There could never be a good reason for my son dying.  What you are saying is very offensive to me, and I would appreciate it if you would keep those sentiments to yourself.  I know you're just trying to help, but it's not and you aren't and please, please stop. (or else, see above, I say with my eyes)

"Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

What I want to say:

Hmmm, let's see, no.  Not true.  Some things that don't kill you make you weak and fragile and bitter and sad.  Some things, like losing your child before they had a chance to make a breath or live a day, make you hollow and desolate and open your eyes to how bad life can get.  The strength I relied upon to live through that terrible experience came from who I was before he died.  His death did nothing but rip the naivety and innocence from my soul and lay the world bare in all its brutal viciousness.

What I say instead:

My son dying didn't make me stronger.  It made me nearly dead myself, and I'm not stronger for his death. I would have been made stronger by getting to be his father. What you are saying is painfully insensitive.  Please stop.

"At least you're young, you can have another."

What I want to say:

Wonderful!  Thank you so much for being a fucking idiot.  Because as you know all kids are replaceable. One breaks or dies, just go out and pick up another one.  How about this?  How about I take one of your four kids and raise it as mine?  After all, you've got plenty!  Spare one for someone who misplaced theirs when they fucking died.  How about it?  Since you're such a dumbass you will probably raise awful children anyway.

What I say instead:

Nothing.  I say nothing to those people.  I just look at them for a moment, shake my head and walk away.

"God works in mysterious ways."

What I want to say:

Fuck you.  Get out of my house.

What I say instead:

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.  If this is God's mysterious way of teaching me some kind of lesson, He/She/It can go fuck themselves.

"Is he your first?"

What I want to say:

Why do you want to know?  Or are you just asking things without thinking about it?  Do you really want to know about my first, about how he died?  About how we are still devastated by his absence?  About all our hopes for him and us dashed against the black shards of death?  Or are you just some blissfully ignorant stranger who can't keep their mouth shut and don't really give one fuck about us at all?  Ah, I thought so.

What I say instead:

No, our first son died due to complications during birth.  Then I just look at them while they crumble into despair and I think to myself be careful what you ask people, they just might tell you the truth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What insane, awful and horrific things have people said to you when they learn that your child died?  Let's rage on this together with the only people that know the truth and feel a little better by getting it all out for once

It still hurts

I haven't written for a while but I still have strong feelings of loss and guilt and wonder about what life would have been like.   I still have thoughts everyday about Grace and I know that life is much more settled now for me emotionally however i do still feel the loss and it hurts still.  I wonder if that hurt will ever go away...but I hope it doesn't because in one way it is a reminder that I care, I love and I had/have someone in my life that mattered to me.   I ponder on the decision we made and how it affected us...initially the guilt was sucking me under and leaving me dark and desolate.  Now I can almost 100% acknowledge that we did the 'right' thing and we 'saved' Grace from a life either short or long that would have definitely been a struggle and she never would have been a child living life to the full and everyone in this family would have been affected in ways I could not even imagine.  I still feel guilty.  I still think 'what if' and still wish things could have been different.  I still look at baby girls and children that would be the same age as Grace each day and think that I would love to be holding and playing with my own little girl.  It makes me sick to hear of bad news about children and it makes me angry to hear of parents mistreating their children, having more children when they already don't enjoy being a parent, children put in bad situations...etc...the list goes on.  I was told to 'let her go' but how do you do that without accepting what has happened and I don't, I don't accept what has happened.  I don't want to forget but I also find it hard to continue with pain and loss but I have no choice.

I continue to honor my little girl and surround myself with special items such as new charms, photo images with Graces name etc and I no longer receive as many now my sister in law is no longer in our lives but I will always treasure and appreciate what I was given.  Every now and then friends acknowledge Grace or mention a baby loss of someone else or something they have heard and how it relates to me, but not as often now.  It appears that the first year is huge as far as support goes and then after that people move on from mentioning anything to you and its almost like they think you are doing ok so they don't say anything.  I guess it gets to a point also when people no longer have anything to say but I still believe it is important to recognize the loss still.

September is a strange month where people no longer understand why this month would mean anything however it still remains a month of a reminder of when my baby was due.  Its still a time where other little girls are turning two and families are celebrating and Im reminded that nearly two years ago Grace would have been a little bubs screaming and keeping us up at night and now she would be a toddler making us crazy with getting into cupboards but very much a part of our family with our boys and keeping us extra busy.  I am excited however that on September 1st I get to organize a party for my niece and its all about fairies and tinkerbell.  I dont get to organize any little girls parties and Im super excited that I can do something special for my beautiful little girl in my life.  I did find it a tiny bit hard buying the decorations and wished I was buying them for myself but also recognized that I am lucky to be doing this for my niece.

We are still in the deciding phase of weather or not to TTC again or not...we think we are ready then we pull back from 'making babies'.  The fear of the pregnancy, the fear of the reminders and the fear of losing again is huge and no-one can understand that unless they have lost before.  Its fine for everyone to say "oh feel the fear and do it anyway" but unless you have felt the loss and been to the deepest darkest time of your life and no longer have a baby or child then the fear is like something unknown.  Time will tell and we will know when we are ready.  I really dont care about having big gaps between the children, its not really been our choice so that's not important to me.  I love kids and I am not ready to give up on having another baby just yet but I am also not quite ready to experience pregnancy yet either.

Grace if I had you in my arms, here in our home, I would cuddle you and love you and tell you how much I love you.  I hope that you are an angel and you hear my silent talks with you and know that I love you and think of you often.  I hope that you know how much I treasure my roses that beautify our house and symbolize you and know that you are so special.  I hope that you know one day I look forward to seeing you and holding you for longer than a short time.  I hope that you know you are our baby, forever and no matter what this life brings you are forever our third child and you are special.  Love you baby girl xo

Friends - response to a blog

My response to a post on a blog about friends and life after loss:
"wow you have such an honest and amazing way of saying what so many people experience after loss of a baby. I relate so much to what you have said and read your post almost with my breath held waiting on every word and waiting to see what you would say next. I wondered if your story would end the same as mine....with loss of friends and the recognition of forgiveness needed. I too lost friends, some by my choice, some by their choice. I made new friends also who lost a baby. I found moments of strength from people I never thought that would be so supportive and I found disappointment in others that I thought would be supportive. I came to the conclusion that my grief, my loss, my life was far too important and needed to be lived by me and if they could be in that with me, great, and if not I have many happy memories and they became people in my past. I was angry, I was sad, but now I know that I had to focus on my life and my moving forward with the grief in ways that I knew how".


Blog:  Glow in the Woods:  
In the weeks after, it became abundantly clear that I had no idea how to feel anything but anger and longing about her death. I was not emotionally equipped to handle the death of my daughter, except I had to handle it. It was awkward and painful. I clumsily talked to people, until I just couldn't do it anymore. I drank heavily. I watched the same safe comedies over and over. I was afraid to call friends and cry. I thought I would never stop--hysterical, uncontrolled tears. Keening. Misplaced anger. Blame. Fear. Blubbering. I heard the conversation before I uttered a word.


If I say I want to die now, you won't understand. You will think I am suicidal. You will call the authorities. You will take my only living child. I just don't know how to live this life without her. I don't know how to shop for groceries now that she is dead. I don't know how to make small talk. I don't know how to watch Law & Order. I don't know how to do anything.



Being the me I was and grieving was fucking torture. So I changed stuff about me, like who I trust and when I trust and what I trust and how much I trust. I changed what I give and what I take and what I give personally and what I take personally. I changed what I complain about and what I don't.


I couldn't call those old friends after I changed. I didn't know what to say to them anymore. I wasn't over her death. I would never be over her death. But I learned to live with it. Time had moved forward. I moved forward. They moved forward. I missed so much, and they missed so much. Not many people stepped up. Those that did, stepped away eventually. I never called them to ask about the thing I should have been asking about--birthdays, illnesses, new jobs, old jobs, pets, boyfriends, girlfriends, new babies. When I came to fully understand that my daughter was never coming back, I came to understand that neither were my friends. I don't blame them anymore. I was a terrible friend--grieving and overly sensitive, impetuous and distant. I didn't and still do not understand how I could have been any better. I did the absolute best I could with who I was. Emotionally, I was stunted and small. And maybe they were too.


+++


I wrote because I didn't know what else to do with this ache in me. I couldn't speak it to my closest friends, so I wrote her birth story. I posted it on the internet. I thought that was everything I knew about her. I put it on a blog. Maybe someone will read it, maybe someone will understand. It was a flare shot into the night. Or a campfire, as we say around here.

Time doesn't stop

I haven't written for a while, I haven't written for ages in fact.  I have wanted to, have made my way towards the computer and then been torn away for something else...phone rings, kids need something, tea needs cooking...always something else demanding my attention, but right now I stop, I need to write, to express myself and to acknowledge my loss.

Everyday I still think of Grace, some days are filled with Grace and other days are fleeting thoughts but always missing her and always wondering and wishing things were different.  I do appreciate what I have, a lovely house, a great husband, two busy but wonderful boys and family and friends who care.  I know that time does not stop...the pain...the feeling of loss...the 'missing' her part....the forever searching for some sign she exists somehow happily in heaven but still with us in some way.

On my birthday B brought me pink things cause I love pink but he brought pink balloons....i found this so hard but had to re-look at it and think of my link to Grace rather than my loss of Grace.  On nana's birthday there was a room full of pink helium balloons that i cringed at and wanted to pop everyone of them...but i had to re-think and focus on the link rather than the loss.

I watched a programme last night where the young couple delivered a stillborn baby (not real but so well acted) and I cried and cried and cried and it felt good because I haven't cried like that for some time now and I think I really needed to get it out.  I look at Grace's picture in my room and I look away quite quickly, I think that if I do that I wont feel as much, I wont get upset and I wont feel the loss.  I know the pain is there but I push it away and pretend I cant feel it.

I have to wonder if holding onto Grace and not 'letting her go' is ok in the sense that spirtually something could be holding Grace back from being free if that makes sense.  But I feel that if I 'let go' and accept her passing then I'm accepting what has happened and how the heck do I accept that my baby girl is gone.  How do I feel at peace with that?  How do I say that I am comfortable with that when clearly I'm not and would love to have her back.

I have moments where I look at my boys and see how much hard work they are and cant help but wonder if Grace was not able to be with us because life was challenging enough already?  But then I think no way that cant be right because life is challenging now that we don't have her with us and the pain and loss has contributed to that stress and emotional rollercoaster I am on and cant get off from.

May was such a hard month to get through.  Even harder this year I felt because with my brothers marriage ended, my sister in law was not around who did provide amazing support, friends around me knew what the month was but it was not as important as the 'first' year and family knew but we just didnt talk about it. Brett was sick and had his bike ride in his focus and we didnt talk as much either.  Just because it is now been two years since Grace was born this is still just as significant as the first year.  I know that time heals and all that but some days you still feel the hurt and the loss and May was a month that truly was a struggle.

Loving you every day Grace and missing you every day
Each time I see a rainbow I think of you and how you could be painting me a picture to make me smile
I thank you for the rainbows all day long on my birthday and the day before
Your brothers still speak of you and I wouldn't stop them
I wish you were here in my arms
I wish this room Im sitting in right now was your room like it was meant to be
I wish I had of been able to change what happened
I hope that by relieving you of this life, your tiny sick body, I hope that it brought you freedom
I love you Grace, my precious baby, my precious child
xoxoxoxoxoxo

A reason...

They Say There is a Reason
They say there is a reason, They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason, Will change the way I feel,
For no one knows the heartache, That lies behind our smiles,
No one knows how many times, We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something, So there won’t be any doubt,
You’re so wonderful to think of, But so hard to be without.
~Author Unknown

Mothers day for the second year

The lead up to this day was filled with apprehension.  My husband was away for the weekend on a mountain bike riding event so I had a weekend with my two boys and after them being sick during the week, we were all tired and a bit house-bound.  Sunday morning came and from the moment I opened my eyes I made a promise to focus on my boys.....a diversion from the inner pain and sorrow and knowing one very vital part of our lives was not there that day...our Grace.
The moment I awoke I had my veyr excited 4year old racing off to his room to retrieve his card and gifts and my 7year old not far behind him.  Earlier in the week they had sat with their dad creating cards and writing me letters.  These items mean far more to me than anything else.  Their writing, their thought, their love and effort all done for me.  After cooking a breakfast for us all we sat and snuggled for a while on the couch while watching tv.  One of our familys special traditions that was started by S, was to release a lantern in memory of Grace.  So thats what we did...we lit a lantern....M said "so Grace can see it" and we watched as the lantern floated high into the sky.  I silently wished my Grace all the love I could send her and the fact that I wished I could hold her. 
The morning continued with so many times of myself pushing that inner nagging feeling of loss, grieving and just wanting my baby although I was loving the fact I was lucky enough to have my two boys with me.  We spent most of the morning at home with the kids still recovering from their sickness.  At lunchtime my husband returned home and after cuddles I left the kids with him and headed out to my mums to visit mum, dad, my neice and two sisters and we had a lovely time having a tea party with nibbles.  Similar to what we did last year but not as elaborate.  I received a lovely text from S wishing me a happy mothers day knowing it would be a bit difficult for me.  After a few hours with mum I headed back home to my family and the boys treated me to a yummy coffee out at a cafe.  On the way there I was fighting back tears...the sorrow and the feeling of darkness was creeping in....I found it hard to ignore.....I couldnt deny the truth that my baby was not there....she should have been....I wanted her there....
Then my husband dropped the bombshell of friends wanting to visit with their newborn baby girl!!!  F*** really hubby can you not get how I am feeling of all people!  I was speechless and once I regained composure I simply stated I could not bear to be by a baby girl that was not mine and he could see them but of all days I could not do it, another day....I could put it off longer couldnt I????  So
So after coffee which truly was nice and a long hard think I thought perhaps I did want to see this baby, she wasnt mine but maybe that was the point, maybe I would find some comfort in seeing a baby girl on the day I wanted one the most?  Logic in there.....hmmm not sure to be honest?  I was trying my best to convince myself I could do this and I could be brave.  Plenty of times I have caked on that fake face, fake smile and convinced people I was fine, I could do it again today.  I had an out, I made sure they would not be coming to our house but we would meet them somewhere so if I had to suddenly leave I could.  So we meet the friends, saw the baby, my heart melted and so did my kids, my youngest even asked if we could keep her....this question nearly made me lose it but I held it together.  This was our friends newborn, their happiness, their girl, and they deserve to be happy and not to be made to feel uncomfortable. So we saw them for a short time and then we left.  Still actually doubted how much my husband thought that I had overcome a major milestone, how hard that moment was and how much I wanted to cry.
So we went home, had tea and the ended the evening with cuddles and the kids telling me how much they loved me. 
People dont really realise how hard a day like this can be.  Some people have lost their rmothers, some people have lost their children and this day highlights the loss and the pain that comes and there is no denying the overwhelming sorrow that lies beneath the surface. 

I love you baby girl, I miss you Grace, I am your mummy forever.

Always thinking about you

Always thinking of you Grace...always you are in my thoughts and consuming normal every day moments....some thoughts are happy and some are sad...some still ask "what if" or "should I have"...some thoughts are of your tiny wee features....some thoughts are about how brief the time was we had with you....some thoughts are of where you are now or are you anywhere?.....some thoughts are of labour, first look, first hold and last hold....thoughts revolve around and around in my head....some thoughts provoke tears and others I choke back....some thoughts are about what you would have looked like....some thoughts are of time and how it is passing....some thoughts are of those dark days and wondering how I coped...did I cope?....thoughts of family and friends and their involvement or their distancing....thoughts of what you would be like now and who you would look like....forever thinking of you baby girl xoxoxo

The other day I had a lovely, deep and sad but spirited talk with a mum who went through two losses.  One baby was her first, unplanned and she was very young but the loss still remains painful.  The next baby (her third child) made a bigger impact, he was planned and throughout the pregnancy there was bleeding that medical personal did nothing about....she miscarried at 19weeks.  His name was Billy.  Her sorrow is evident and at the same time the connection I have with her and the strength she had to support me and show me that you can get through by focusing on your other children is what helped me to keep going.  We talked about physics and the hope for our babies to be happy somewhere and the answers to that.  We talked about shutting out the world, closing the curtains, not answering the phone and not wanting to face the world and reality.  We talked about family and friends, those who stayed and those who we walked away from.  We talked about the pain and the change of that pain with time.  We talked about our living children and their feelings and thoughts.  We talked about our husbands and their pure determination to get us 'better' and through the worst time of our lives.  We said over and over how hard this was, is and forever will be and no-one can truly understand unless they have experienced this.  We said that we felt guilt for times that we did smile or feel good about something. We said we will never forget, never.  We talked about how we spend time when it is the month of birth date or and month of the due date.  We said you treasure the children you have so much more and make the most of time and experiences for them.  You plan holidays and you enjoy the joy that your children bring to your life, but you also feel a gap, a space where the baby would have been.  You cry at things that you would never have cried at before.  We talked about crying at the realisation your youngest living child is getting older.  We talked about future children and the fear of pregnancy but if someone handed us a newborn we would accept straight away.  We talked about thinking everyone is looking at you differently when you go anywhere, weather they did know or not.  We talked about peoples comments and the worst thing that someone can say is 'oh it just wasn't meant to be'....we both hate that with a vengeance.  We talked about other people and their experiences and how everyone is different and how you deal with the loss is very individual.  We talked about taking the baby's ashes with us on holidays just to feel like the baby was there with us.  We talked about the burial and cremation...the reasons for choosing cremation.  We talked about seeing other pregnant people and trying to smile.  We talked about plastering on a face and pretending to be enjoying something while our hearts and heads just were not focusing.  We talked about people not talking to you or saying too much.  We talked about how forever is a long time to miss someone but that is the way it is.
She is a beautiful person with a beautiful family and I thank her so much for helping me.

Tattoos and relationship breakup

Recently a family member got a tattoo...she asked me if she could use a symbol that is universal but my husband had created and then onto some clothing with angel wings, a G and baby feet...I said no as I felt that symbol was special and meaningful only to us. However my husband and I said that was fine for her to get a tattoo representing Grace if she wanted to and felt honoured she thought of doing it. So she did get a tattoo done, a little daisy that is added onto her existing daisy chain and also a G just small but noticeable and meaningful.

I had some comments made to me from others that all disagreed by what she had done and they thought that if something happened and she was for some reason no longer in our lives she would forever carry the tattoo of Grace.

I thought about this long and hard and found really conflicted but reality was this person was someone who was by my side whenever I needed her, she listened, she never judged, she brought me items that will be forever treasured and special and she was someone I trusted and she was there through everything. I confronted these comments and made that statement that no matter what, regardless of what could happen this person was there for me through the most hardest time of my life and therefore having the tattoos were simply a marking of that time for her and for me. She was honouring my baby, her niece and no matter what anybody thought I didn't care because she was doing something special.

Now something has happened, her marriage has recently dissolved and who knows what happens from this moment but I am sad and I want her to know that, its not her fault, Im not placing blame at all I just simply am sad the relationship is over and things will now change. I don't cope well with change, I don't like it.

I want her to know that her children are still my family and I still very much care for them and will do anything to help care for them from now on, more than ever. I am sad because I cant be there for her when she needs someone the most and return the support she has given me, because I am too close to the situation and my family member is involved so my loyalty has to be with him. I am sad that I will no longer have her around much for advice, support and a friend. I am sad that I got to know her so much and now I feel like I don't know her at all. I am sad this has happened and I am sad for everyone involved, the effects on family and the effects on the children. It has really hit me hard today that my biggest support is no longer someone I can logistically turn too and that makes me sad. I hope she knows that one day sooner rather than later I would like to talk with her, I would like to wish her well with what lies ahead and wish her support with getting help for her depression, her studies, house-hunting, and the children. I don't want her to be non-existent in our lives because she has already been such a big part of it.

Private and public

I have decided that I will continue to have a private blog but only entirely for me and my own thoughts and an area to express myself and to have a public blog that will remain open. I have varying reasons for doing this but it is something I have been thinking about for a while. I mainly need to have my own space now to filter through my own thoughts and now that support systems have changed and sadly have 'withered' a bit, I now want to change how my blog is used. My private blog will be for photos, expressing myself and letters to Grace, things I cant say outloud and my public blog will be for connecting with others who have unfortunately shared in the loss of a baby and as a support system along with expressing my thoughts.

I no longer write often but I will still be writing and I still need to be able to express my thoughts. I still miss my baby Grace each and every day, some more than others, but she is never far from my thoughts and sometimes consuming every thought I have.

I thank everyone for being a part of our lives for nearly two whole years now and I appreciate all the support we all received. I have had many, many beautiful items brought for me that will remain precious and forever treasured. Getting through the darkest days has only been possible from the strength that people around us provided for us and I only wish that one day I can re-pay that favour somehow but in a different way.

My life is easier most days now, but still missing one very big part of our lives and we can never change this no matter how hard I wish for things to be different. Losing a child ripped out a part of me and has changed me forever. I am forever walking around with an empty part of me that will never be fullfilled due to Grace not being here. I appreciate what joy she gave us in such a short time and I appreciate that I can say I have a daughter. She was and is loved forever.

I wish....

Sometimes I wish I could turn around and see my baby there...just see her and see what she looks like in this life, breathing, living and enjoying our family. I wish I could see her, catch a glimpse of her interacting with her brothers and trying to get in on their play and arguments. I wish I could pick her up and give her cuddles, I wish I could buy her a pretty dress and put her hair up in pigtails, instead of having all the bags of clothing sitting in the cupboard. I wish I could take her out with me and have people say "oh what a beautiful baby". I wish I could have her in photos and display them on the wall proudly by her brothers, instead of in my bedroom or in the album to protect others peoples feelings. I wish I could be up with her in the middle of the night, providing comfort to ease her bad dreams. I wish she was here, with us, with her family who love her so deeply. I wish we could celebrate her birthday with her here and with cake and candles that she can actually blow out for herself. I wish we had balloons that were for her to play with, not for us to release in remembrance. I wish we could keep our big car because there would be a reason to have it rather than a reason to sell it. I wish people wouldn't ask if we are going to try for another baby, because this is so much harder and deeper than I let on with so many emotions and thoughts jumbled in. I wish that Grace was here, pulling stuff out of cupboards and getting herself into mischief just like her brothers. I wish I never knew the pain of losing a baby and wish I was not "the mummy who lost a baby". I wish I never had to read through blogs of other mummys who lose babies, its just unfair and cruel of life to do this to people. I wish I had of washed my hands more, taken more care of hygiene and maybe just maybe things would be different. I wish I had of kicked up a fuss when those bloods came back with something wrong. I wish I was with my baby right now, instead of writing about her and what I don't have. I wish, I wish, I wish I had my baby girl Grace here, in this life, not waiting in heaven somewhere to meet us later on. I wish I knew she was ok. I wish I could have her back. I wish I could say out loud to people that don't know me, I have two boys and one girl, happy and healthy here in this life. I wish you were in my life Grace, as a toddler who would be turning two this year, in life and with us xoxoxo

Our special book and TTC

I am so happy with the final result of a book that I have just had made by a website called www.blogtoprint.com. My blog has been turned into a hardcover book with all of my posts and all my photos and comments. I cried when I started to read the book....all the initial memories came flooding back and I found it just too hard to continue to read. I will at some time go back through my posts, my photos and re-read everything but for now it is just too hard. I thought I would be fine, I thought I was ready to read through everything we have been through, but obviously I am not. I know this book will be a special memento to pass onto the boys when they are older and it is something that is sentimental to me and something special to place into 'Grace's treasure box'.

And onto other things....the decision to try again for another baby has been weighing heavily on my thoughts. It has been consuming alot of my time and in my head alot. I have started folic acid and I thought my now I would be about three months into TTC for another baby. However I have just not felt ready or comfortable about trying. This month I thought was the month I was ready to start...I had worked out my 'prime' days for conception, been eating fairly healthy and have had folic acid for at least four months now. However when it came time to 'try' I failed....I failed miserably and ended up sitting out in my lounge room crying. I have looked at other babies and decided that I do want another baby, I am not ready to give up on another sibling for the boys. I decided that I dont want to look back in life and regret not having another child because of the fear that is holding me back. However my husband was ready, he is wanting whatever I am wanting and I just could not go through with it. I started to cry and it was all because of the fear of what happened to us, could happen again. I now know there are no passes when it comes to escaping a loss...it very well could happen again and I dont know if I could survive another baby being taken from me. I also felt like in some way I was 'forgetting' Grace by wanting another child, I felt guilty for wanting another baby and I know we can never ever replace her but to have another child means that child will become known to everyone as our 'third child' and yet Grace is our third and nothing can change that but to the world and on paper and to people who dont know what happened, another baby would be our third...so in a small way I feel like I am dishonouring Grace. So anyway this month will not be the month we are TTC....I am just not ready....but will I ever be????


Do you know anyone who has gone on to have a 'rainbow baby'? How did they cope? Have you gone on to have a rainbow baby yourself???

PS I love you

Watching the movie PS I love you...ages ago I watched this movie and thought 'gosh how awful to lose the one you live' and loved the romantic funny side to the storyline....tonight I feel so many of her emotions and can relate....especially when all the girls are in the boat and one friend announces her pregnancy and the other announces her wedding and Hilary is sitting there fake smile and offering them congratulations. I know how that feels. You get good at a fake smile when people tell you of a pregnancy or a new baby has been born. Truly you are happy for them but on the inside the feeling of your own loss hurts and the pain can re-surface at these times of announcements.

The days do get easier and sometimes I feel guilty at having an easier day. Then other days there is a reminder, a feeling, a song, a newborn baby crying....sometimes there are days that pull you back into emptiness, heartache and I miss my baby with that consuming and overwhelming feeling of utter devastation.

To hell and back out again; with the help from family and friends

I follow a blog called 'glow in the woods' and today some of the writers words really struck me as so powerful and this one particular part seemed so appropriate:

"But here's the thing about family, be they the family you call your own by blood or the family that chooses you and that you choose in return, when others run away, they might just stay. If you're lucky. When others are silent, they might continue talking. When I was walking around like an open sore. When there were no right words because the only words I wanted to hear were something along the lines of, "oh this has all been some major administrative error and obviously should never have occurred. Our apologies and please do reclaim your daughter. Just fill in this form." When they had to talk on a subject that was painful and uncomfortable to them for hours and hours because I would not countenance anything else? Well it's inevitable that somebody's feelings are going to get hurt. It's hard to talk about grief and death at length, especially with someone who is as easily jabbed as I am.

I found this quote on the internet a while ago, my sources tell me it's a Swedish proverb. These words remind me of my family.

'Love me when I least deserve it because that is when I really need it.'

So often we overlook our family and the friends who are closest to us as being there and take this as an expectation that it is simply the duty they will do. They are there. They exist. They listen. They speak. They take on board every bit of pain and suffering that you pass on and they make it their own. My family and close friends were there right from the moment we told them 'the news'.

My wonderful husband was a tower of strength. He was so calm and collected and held me up. He took care of the kids, the housework, the calls, the awkward explanations, and he held me whenever I needed it and shit there were some times I needed it. I remember when we were at the hospital and I was walking down the hall to get the amnio done, I nearly collapsed simply from sadness, anger, heartbreak and disbelief and he held me up, held me close and told me he loved me. He would stare at me and not know how to solve what was happening. He was hurting and yet had to carry on also. He didn't break down like I did, he was able to keep his emotions much more together.

My goodness, my mum was so strong, so very strong and she held it together every time we spoke, every time I fell down she picked me up. She did not judge, she did not tell me what to do or how to feel, she was there and she loved me and spent time with my family, supporting in anyway she knew how.

My sister in law, she stepped in and asked questions without crossing the line and she made Grace a person in our lives. She brought treasured items that will remain both with Grace and with us. She made sure that I was 'getting through' and she was there. I felt at peace with her around and no pressure.

My best friend of many years, she was there. She helped with arrangements that I just couldn't bring myself to do but knew they needed doing and they involved facing the general public. She met Grace, she held Grace and she looked at her with normality and no amount of 'fear'. She respected me and what I needed. She listened to me talk about Grace and she gave beautiful treasures to both Grace and us. She printed photos for me and I felt safe with her and comfortable.

Other family members were there also. They sent messages, flowers and offers of help. They themselves were helpless and didn't know how to help or what to say. My father found it hard to face me. He agonised over what to say and what 'not' to say. On the day of the farewell, I remember him clearly standing by Grace's pink coffin as we said farewell to everyone. He placed his hand on the coffin and choked back tears. My brother wasn't sure how to act around me. One of my sisters helped out alot and took care of my two 'other' children. She couldn't speak to me, but she was supporting me in many ways even though she felt helpless. She was fearful of holding Grace, but she did and she found this heartbreaking. But she was strong and she did it. My youngest sister blocked everything out, it was just too unbearable. My mother in law and father in law took the kids a few times, did baking for us and said they really didn't know what to say but they wanted to help. My sister in law on my husbands side, sent so many text messages filled with love.

There were countless acts of kindness and people offering to help. Family watched over the kids while the ceremony was on. They prepared food and were simply here. There were emails filled with words of support and love, poems, quotes, flowers and food. I lost friends and I gained new friends.

I found out what it feels like to feel like everyone is staring at you and nobody knows how to talk to you. I hated it when I heard the words "it just wasn't meant to be"...why f****** not I wanted to scream at them but instead I smiled, a pretend fake smile that I got good at doing. I was good at putting on a brave face in front of people, appearing calm and 'ok'. Yet inside I was living in hell, a black hole that I didn't know or want to get out of. I felt like I would vomit when I heard of an abuse case. I couldn't face people who were pregnant. I screamed silently on the inside when I heard a newborn crying. I was broken and aching and empty. All I wanted was my baby back and for everything to be fine. I realised that when people say "its more important for the baby to be healthy than what sex it is", that is so very true. I hated my life. I hid behind my bedroom door or in the shower, and I cried and grieved held my stomach while I still had Grace there, safe and with me and then when she was gone I felt alone, angry, guilty and sad, so very very sad. I felt like I couldn't face the world and that time was ticking away super slowly. I went over and over when I must have caught the virus and then when I figured it out I was angry at myself for not taking more precautions against illness and not being vigilant enough with hygiene. I lived in a different world for some time and wondered how people said it would get easier.

As time has moved on, I realised that I had to be part of it weather I wanted to be or not. I watched my boys playing and knowing that they needed their mummy. I watched my husband and knew he too needed me. I found strength from the love and support from all my friends and family around me. Each day slowly step by step, I took it as it came, I rode the waves of grief and some days I struggled and some days it did get easier. Life will never ever be the same. I will never ever be the same. I am changed. I am a mum to two boys and one girl. I have an invisible scar, at first it was angry and red raw and now with time and some help the scar is smoothing out but will forever remain. I lost my daughter and I hate that part of my life. I am angry it had to happen to us but also know this has happened to so many families who also would have been wonderful parents. I know now that life has a strong force and life is beyond our control much of the time. Nature is powerful and nature can be cruel. Life can be gone in an instant and life is precious. Life is to be lived and remembered.

I love my baby girl Grace Mary-Kay and I forever will love her. I will forever carry her memory close to my heart and forever have a part of me that is missing, a part of our family that is missing. I hope she is happy and knows how much she is loved.

Another christmas and new years gone...

Home from the beach...home to where the house seems so huge again after the caravan and I notice how many toys and un-necessary items we actually have and yet can not seem to part with. Home to be alone and home to be together with just us again which is nice some of the time. We had a great time at the beach. The weather was not fantastic but it meant more inside time and more time figuring out what to do with the kids and they were close rather than spread out. The time went quickly and when it was time to come home, I actually wanted to stay a few more days. The kids love being at the beach with their friends and family. I love seeing them happy and busy. We were unable to let go of the lantern I took with us due to the weather so this was a bit disappointing.

S gifted me a lovely bracelet the other day...totally out of the blue and a very nice suprise. It is crystals with a variety of healing abilities and also a little 'G' pink heart on it. Thank you very much for that S!!!

I purchased some more images from Carly-Marie who had a special price on sunset images and quotes. I can use these for my scrapbooking or simply just as images. I surround myself with anything that I can to acknowledge that Grace is part of our lives but also to help me 'connect' with her.

I had a conversation with someone a while ago about money and babies and choosing what to do....I am at the conclusion that if you really want another baby then TRY to make it happen...dont worry about the money because there is ways and means of getting that money or making sacrifices if you really want the baby....life is more important and worth more than having money in the bank.

"If you haven't experienced what I have, then dont say "I know how it feels"

If you haven't had to make the decisions that I have, then dont judge

If you haven't felt the pain I have from losing a baby in the way we did, then dont say "it just wasnt meant to be"

If you haven't wanted something so bad and then had it all taken away, then dont pretend you know how it feels

If you choose to ignore me because you dont know what to say, then I may just choose to walk away from you and not look back

If you cant support me, then dont, and dont feel like you have to

If you want to say something, then simply acknowledge my loss and then let me talk and listen without judging me

If you have talked to me about babies or anything to do with babies and I have not responded or seemed interested, it is because this is too painful for me

If you think I am sad, then it is because I am

If you think I am angry, then it is because I am

If you think I am scared, then it is because I am

If you think you can help, then please do

If you are my friend, you will still be in my life, you will be still loved by me and you have helped me through the darkest days of my life".