Wednesday, August 15, 2012

It still hurts

I haven't written for a while but I still have strong feelings of loss and guilt and wonder about what life would have been like.   I still have thoughts everyday about Grace and I know that life is much more settled now for me emotionally however i do still feel the loss and it hurts still.  I wonder if that hurt will ever go away...but I hope it doesn't because in one way it is a reminder that I care, I love and I had/have someone in my life that mattered to me.   I ponder on the decision we made and how it affected us...initially the guilt was sucking me under and leaving me dark and desolate.  Now I can almost 100% acknowledge that we did the 'right' thing and we 'saved' Grace from a life either short or long that would have definitely been a struggle and she never would have been a child living life to the full and everyone in this family would have been affected in ways I could not even imagine.  I still feel guilty.  I still think 'what if' and still wish things could have been different.  I still look at baby girls and children that would be the same age as Grace each day and think that I would love to be holding and playing with my own little girl.  It makes me sick to hear of bad news about children and it makes me angry to hear of parents mistreating their children, having more children when they already don't enjoy being a parent, children put in bad situations...etc...the list goes on.  I was told to 'let her go' but how do you do that without accepting what has happened and I don't, I don't accept what has happened.  I don't want to forget but I also find it hard to continue with pain and loss but I have no choice.

I continue to honor my little girl and surround myself with special items such as new charms, photo images with Graces name etc and I no longer receive as many now my sister in law is no longer in our lives but I will always treasure and appreciate what I was given.  Every now and then friends acknowledge Grace or mention a baby loss of someone else or something they have heard and how it relates to me, but not as often now.  It appears that the first year is huge as far as support goes and then after that people move on from mentioning anything to you and its almost like they think you are doing ok so they don't say anything.  I guess it gets to a point also when people no longer have anything to say but I still believe it is important to recognize the loss still.

September is a strange month where people no longer understand why this month would mean anything however it still remains a month of a reminder of when my baby was due.  Its still a time where other little girls are turning two and families are celebrating and Im reminded that nearly two years ago Grace would have been a little bubs screaming and keeping us up at night and now she would be a toddler making us crazy with getting into cupboards but very much a part of our family with our boys and keeping us extra busy.  I am excited however that on September 1st I get to organize a party for my niece and its all about fairies and tinkerbell.  I dont get to organize any little girls parties and Im super excited that I can do something special for my beautiful little girl in my life.  I did find it a tiny bit hard buying the decorations and wished I was buying them for myself but also recognized that I am lucky to be doing this for my niece.

We are still in the deciding phase of weather or not to TTC again or not...we think we are ready then we pull back from 'making babies'.  The fear of the pregnancy, the fear of the reminders and the fear of losing again is huge and no-one can understand that unless they have lost before.  Its fine for everyone to say "oh feel the fear and do it anyway" but unless you have felt the loss and been to the deepest darkest time of your life and no longer have a baby or child then the fear is like something unknown.  Time will tell and we will know when we are ready.  I really dont care about having big gaps between the children, its not really been our choice so that's not important to me.  I love kids and I am not ready to give up on having another baby just yet but I am also not quite ready to experience pregnancy yet either.

Grace if I had you in my arms, here in our home, I would cuddle you and love you and tell you how much I love you.  I hope that you are an angel and you hear my silent talks with you and know that I love you and think of you often.  I hope that you know how much I treasure my roses that beautify our house and symbolize you and know that you are so special.  I hope that you know one day I look forward to seeing you and holding you for longer than a short time.  I hope that you know you are our baby, forever and no matter what this life brings you are forever our third child and you are special.  Love you baby girl xo

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