I wish....

Sometimes I wish I could turn around and see my baby there...just see her and see what she looks like in this life, breathing, living and enjoying our family. I wish I could see her, catch a glimpse of her interacting with her brothers and trying to get in on their play and arguments. I wish I could pick her up and give her cuddles, I wish I could buy her a pretty dress and put her hair up in pigtails, instead of having all the bags of clothing sitting in the cupboard. I wish I could take her out with me and have people say "oh what a beautiful baby". I wish I could have her in photos and display them on the wall proudly by her brothers, instead of in my bedroom or in the album to protect others peoples feelings. I wish I could be up with her in the middle of the night, providing comfort to ease her bad dreams. I wish she was here, with us, with her family who love her so deeply. I wish we could celebrate her birthday with her here and with cake and candles that she can actually blow out for herself. I wish we had balloons that were for her to play with, not for us to release in remembrance. I wish we could keep our big car because there would be a reason to have it rather than a reason to sell it. I wish people wouldn't ask if we are going to try for another baby, because this is so much harder and deeper than I let on with so many emotions and thoughts jumbled in. I wish that Grace was here, pulling stuff out of cupboards and getting herself into mischief just like her brothers. I wish I never knew the pain of losing a baby and wish I was not "the mummy who lost a baby". I wish I never had to read through blogs of other mummys who lose babies, its just unfair and cruel of life to do this to people. I wish I had of washed my hands more, taken more care of hygiene and maybe just maybe things would be different. I wish I had of kicked up a fuss when those bloods came back with something wrong. I wish I was with my baby right now, instead of writing about her and what I don't have. I wish, I wish, I wish I had my baby girl Grace here, in this life, not waiting in heaven somewhere to meet us later on. I wish I knew she was ok. I wish I could have her back. I wish I could say out loud to people that don't know me, I have two boys and one girl, happy and healthy here in this life. I wish you were in my life Grace, as a toddler who would be turning two this year, in life and with us xoxoxo