Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Our special book and TTC

I am so happy with the final result of a book that I have just had made by a website called My blog has been turned into a hardcover book with all of my posts and all my photos and comments. I cried when I started to read the book....all the initial memories came flooding back and I found it just too hard to continue to read. I will at some time go back through my posts, my photos and re-read everything but for now it is just too hard. I thought I would be fine, I thought I was ready to read through everything we have been through, but obviously I am not. I know this book will be a special memento to pass onto the boys when they are older and it is something that is sentimental to me and something special to place into 'Grace's treasure box'.

And onto other things....the decision to try again for another baby has been weighing heavily on my thoughts. It has been consuming alot of my time and in my head alot. I have started folic acid and I thought my now I would be about three months into TTC for another baby. However I have just not felt ready or comfortable about trying. This month I thought was the month I was ready to start...I had worked out my 'prime' days for conception, been eating fairly healthy and have had folic acid for at least four months now. However when it came time to 'try' I failed....I failed miserably and ended up sitting out in my lounge room crying. I have looked at other babies and decided that I do want another baby, I am not ready to give up on another sibling for the boys. I decided that I dont want to look back in life and regret not having another child because of the fear that is holding me back. However my husband was ready, he is wanting whatever I am wanting and I just could not go through with it. I started to cry and it was all because of the fear of what happened to us, could happen again. I now know there are no passes when it comes to escaping a very well could happen again and I dont know if I could survive another baby being taken from me. I also felt like in some way I was 'forgetting' Grace by wanting another child, I felt guilty for wanting another baby and I know we can never ever replace her but to have another child means that child will become known to everyone as our 'third child' and yet Grace is our third and nothing can change that but to the world and on paper and to people who dont know what happened, another baby would be our in a small way I feel like I am dishonouring Grace. So anyway this month will not be the month we are TTC....I am just not ready....but will I ever be????

Do you know anyone who has gone on to have a 'rainbow baby'? How did they cope? Have you gone on to have a rainbow baby yourself???

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