Thursday, September 27, 2012

September is nearly over

So it is almost the end of September...I don't like September much. I look forward to it being another month past our pain and past reminders of what should have been.  September is the month our Grace was due.  September 30th 2010 was the due date however quite likely she would have been born at the beginning of the month if she followed pattern of my two boys.  So September is a long month for me...the beginning is a reminder and the end is a reminder.  I try to keep busy.  I try to ignore what the days are and what they mean.  They mean nothing to anyone else around me now.  No-one else remembers now that is has been more than one year.  Everyone moves on, but I cant, I don't and I'm still reminded.  Im better than I was.  Some days anyway....Some days I'm ok....some days I smile and I'm actually great and have good days....other days I wallow and I feel so sad and sooooo lost and just want my baby.  Some days I feel like nothing every happened and then I catch a glimpse of a child who would be Graces age, or I see something on tv that triggers everything all over for me.  I was asked if I had watched the latest programme on tv with women in the birthing unit.  Why the f*** would I want to watch that!  Seriously I couldn't bring myself to watch that.  I cant look for too long at the photograph in my room of Grace...I feel too sad and I don't want to go down that dark path.  I want to remember her but I also don't want to feel sadness and pain.  I was asked by someone who knew what happened how I was doing.  It was nice she cared enough to ask because it's been a long time since anyone recognized the fact I still grieve, I still care, I don't just live and forget.  I will never forget.  I spent last Sunday night crying and feeling so upset and this was quite unexpected.  It came from nowhere and the grief was striking me down and pushing me under.  I felt so absorbed in the loss of Grace I could hardly focus on anything else.  It was exhausting.  I was overwhelmed and hurting.  I feel guilty that I haven't blogged for ages.  I feel that I had nothing new to write except my grief and my pain.  I feel guilty I haven't scrapbooked about Grace for ages.  To be honest I just haven't had the time or the energy.  I have to be able to focus and deal with the sadness that comes while looking through images, pretty things to put on a page and know that each photo I scrapbook is closer to being the end of the pile of photos that I can never take again.  I take photos of candles burning that I light for memories,  I take photos of my blossoms and roses that are significant, I take photos of anniversaries, but I can never ever ever take another photo of Grace and that sux, its painful to think about and it pisses me off really.  I'm angry that people have chances to spend time with their kids and they don't.  I'm angry that people hurt their kids and not take care of them.  I'm angry people laugh off the fact they are pregnant again without even trying.  I'm angry that I don't have Grace.  I am angry that I have not had a 'sign' to let me know she is ok.  I am angry that life has changed and she is not here with us.  I am angry that I haven't got 'my girl' and spending time with other little girls is just not the same.  I miss Grace and I still treasure her and wish that things were different.

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