Monday, October 8, 2012

It will never be ok

I pondered the thought the other day of how to be ok about what has happened, how some people manage to move forward and seem to accept what has happened as being 'meant to be' or in the 'grand plan' etc etc.   Now I'm going to say straight up from right here that I am writing from my grief, my pain, my journey and no-one else's and religion does not play a part in my life to any large degree so therefore what I say may be offensive however this is my story and my life.

I will never accept that 'it just wasn't meant to be' because why the f*** not?  Why could I not have had my perfect family with my two very adorable but very energetic boys, my wonderful husband, my great job as a teacher and then to have had our little girl, something I have dreamed of all my life.  Because it just wasn't meant to be...bullshit is what I say to that and to those that believe that.

I will never understand that every life has to has lessons and this is mine...what the hell am I meant to have learnt by having to be the person to decide my child's life would end in order to prevent her from not having a life and what have I learnt by having to be in pain for every day of my living days with the loss of my baby whom I can never ever hold again.  What have I learnt...nothing good at all.  I can not put a positive spin on the fact my daughter is gone.  I can not conjure up some positive things to say about life and the grand master plan and how I have learnt from this.
What I have learnt is something I already knew but now it has been strengthened: *Family is so precious, don't waste time without them in your life.  *Friends will come and go, spend time and focus on the ones who spend time with you and focus on you.  *Life is unfair, life can be cruel and life was extremely unfair and cruel to me and my family.  *Nature is harsh, it has no boundaries and nature hits when it wants, with such force and there aint a damn thing you can do about it.  *Medical professionals, they have their limitations and no matter how much we want them to have that magic wand they cant take all the bad stuff away from bodies.  *Loss is huge and everyone copes in different ways, now I know how it feels to lose a child where before I only thought it would feel awful and wondered how people could survive such a loss.  *Time, it just keeps moving along and in time people forget and almost expect you to also.  I have lost time with my two boys because my time was spent mourning my daughter.  I can never get that time back but I can also never change that time.
I could have learnt these lessons without losing my daughter.  I could have figured them out along the way as I aged or as I lost pets etc.  My daughter didn't have to not be in our lives to teach me anything except that I have loved so much harder and deeper than I thought possible for someone I only knew for 20 weeks and yet that someone is my little baby, my girl, my daughter, my much wanted child that will forever be in our hearts and memories for our entire breathing days.

I carry the guilt of the fact that I went through with a medical termination.  I did that.  I feel sick about it every time I think about it and I try to bury it within myself, but the truth is I did something I never ever thought I would do and I feel horrified at myself and carry that guilt and disgust forever within me.  There is a part of me that hates me and what I did.  There is a part of me that also recognises that the decision was not taken lightly, it was done under medical guidance and realisation that if, IF our daughter had of even been born breathing, she would have almost %100 been mentally handicapped, physically and mentally incapable of ever leading a life of 'normality' and would be dependent on the medical professionals to keep her alive and for me to keep her safe and loved.  I would have loved her.  I would have fought all her battles.  But I would have hated myself for putting her body though such struggle and it was a choice that had to be made.  Some people don't have that choice and they wouldn't choose any different.  But for me and my family and the fact that I didn't want us ripped apart and our lives forever in both love and despair for this child, this person who would never walk, talk, or experience life as we know it was just too much to bear.  Was I weak in this decision.  Should I have let life take over and just see what happened, I can never answer that but I forever question myself on that also.

It will never be ok that my daughter is not here with us.  It will never be ok that Grace is not here fighting with her brothers, growing older, getting into the kitchen cupboards, learning how to walk, taking her first steps, smiling up at us, posing for the million photos I love to take, and it will never be ok that her life is over and it will never be ok that I can not hold her again.  It will never be ok that she is gone.  It just never will be ok.....

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