Wednesday, October 24, 2012

All about when my babies were babies...

Lately it seems the subject and talk has been around babies and when babies were babies and what my babies were many babies seem to keep getting born around me at the moment...great for them and their families...not so great for me and my emotions.....Im happy for them Im just sad for me.....So many things have been talked about in relation to kids and when they were born etc and what it was like etc and today I was talking about my two boys, their birth and what they were like when they were born.....on my way home from dropping my youngest son at kindergarten the stark realisation hit me that I talked about them like they were my only two babies....and yet they were not!  I have had three babies, three pregnancies and three very much wanted, much loved children.  However I have two boys living that people in general know about or talk about. 
Grace is not talked about much.  Grace is no longer part of many of my conversations with my friends or family.  Not because that is what I choose, its what they choose.  They choose to no longer mention her.  They are past the point of realising that she still matters, she is still part of my everyday longing for her and they are past realising that I still hurt this much.  Most people dont know that.  Only the people very close to me know. 
As I drove home I felt guilt that my conversation this morning revolved around my boys and how they looked at birth etc but yet I didnt once say "Grace was tiny, Grace was only 210g. Grace was 20weeks early, Grace was my light and my love but Grace was also my baby I lost, my baby I couldnt hold forever and my baby that I have no longer".  Only in memory and in the ashes I have in my special angel box in my room, only the items of rememberence, only the poems, only the photos, only the jewellery....thats what I have left.  I cant take more photos, I cant hold her again, I cant cuddle her or be challenged by her. I cant tuck her into bed at night, I cant greet her in the morning with a kiss and a cuddle.  I miss her.  I really really miss her.  I dream of what would have been.  I think about the little girl she should be now, a toddler, a cheeky girl getting into mischief and up to no good.  I think about how life would have been with 3 children, with two boys and one girl.  I think about how busy life would be.  I think about how good life would be.  I think about why the heck life/god/nature thought I needed to learn something.  I think that things happening for a reason is utter bullshit.  I miss her.  I miss Grace.  I long for the daughter I have always wanted in my life so that I can take her to tinkerbell movies instead of borrowing my neice just so I can take a girl to the movie.  I ache for the loss.  I feel hurt by comments that arent intended to be hurtful but they are just thoughtless.  I feel pain.  I know Im never getting her back.  I want her back.  I want my daughter.  I want Grace in my arms.  I dont want this pain and this loss and this life.  I want three children here and I want to talk openly about Grace like I can talk openly about my boys.  I just want her here. 
Some days just suck and some days just hurt even more.

The other day two 'friends' decided to facebook hack my site and stupidity took over and I was fuming...putting on my page along the lines of me expecting another baby....I was angry and hurt by their actions.  What they thought was funny was a senseless, hurtful act that I'm still reeling from.  The link to the talk that people would question me about being pregnant is just too hard to deal with.  One 'friend' apologised and had not realised the impact.  I think she truly did feel remorseful and really just had not thought.  The other friend laughed it off...still considering if she really should be in my life is not funny, it was hurtful and it upset me to the point of tears and tieing my stomach in knots fo rthe night and the next day. I felt sick about it.

I miss her.  It's simple.  Nothing more to say, except I miss you Grace, I love you every day of my life.

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