Sunday, December 23, 2012

Nearly Christmas....and another year gone

I have not written here for ages now.  It is not that I stop thinking about Grace and that will never happen.  I just have to be honest and say that life gets busy again, your life does carry on as much as some days it feels it wont, and my two other children take up a lot of time.  I enjoy life most days.  I still live with loss and this will never change.  I guess my emotions have settled and mostly I have them under control.  I will never say that I accept what happened.  I just don't believe that I can accept.

I find that I still cry at mothers in books or on tv who are going through any kind of turmoil or loss with a child, I feel so much pain for them and then think of the pain I went through and still go through some days.  I still light a candle and sit quietly staring into the flame and thinking of Grace..where is she now, is she anywhere, is she around me?  I still print photos that remind me of Grace and honour her memory.  I take photos of my roses and blossom tree when in bloom to remind me of beauty and what the plants stand for.  I find that I miss scrapbooking pages about Grace and wish I had more time to do it.  I catch a glimpse of a lovely little girl at play and wonder if that what my Grace would have grown to be like.  I see the way people look suddenly at me every now and then when a topic comes up that could offend my.  I get offended when people forget and careless things are said but then remind myself, this is my loss not theirs and cant expect them to always remember.

I put up the Christmas tree and with care hung all the decorations that are symbolic of Grace.  I got a bit teary eyed and had to give up for a while.  I then smiled and embraced how much love went into choosing these ornaments but wished they were for rememberence and honour in life rather than in loss.

We had some visitors who don't know our journey and their little girl was called Ella Grace.  Matthew piped up "hey just like our Grace" and I was frightened that the mum would ask "who is Grace" and I wouldn't have known how to answer.  I still find times that are difficult and not sure what an 'appropriate response' is.  I could shrug it off and pretend not to hear but it feels so wrong to do that.  I could answer honestly and say "Grace is our baby that we gave birth to stillborn 5months into the pregnancy" and then be met with sympathy or silence.  I don't want to explain.  I don't want it to be real.  I don't want to have to answer this but I also want to be honest with our children.

I wrap presents in preparation for Christmas and think to myself how many more there would be if Grace was here.  I think about how life would be different if she was here and if we would still be travelling 5hours to stay in a caravan at the beach.  I look in pain at the fairy dresses and tutu skirts and wish I could buy one for Grace, not for another child, for Grace.

I have started trying for another baby.  I am not sure if this is really the 'right' place to write this but got to share.  I had some fear at first, I cried after realising that I wanted another baby and that we would not be getting Grace back.  I then took it easy and focused on 'see what happens' and five months down the track we are just 'waiting' and cruising.  I cant put all my energy in knowing we may not come out on the other side with anything.  I don't want to love a baby and then lose again.  I don't want to feel that anxiety.  I also know I don't want to look back and regret not having another baby.  It is very confusing and scary and no-one understands unless they have been through this.

It sounds awful but some days when the kids are pushing me to the brink I wonder if we lost Grace because I struggle some days with the boys then I tell myself not to be so silly.  I wonder why and wonder how I could have done things differently to avoid catching the virus and know deep down that there was no changing what happened. I know that it just happened.  It sux.  It sux big time and we have no control over some things.  Why us...why not us?  Some people have so much worse going on in their lives and I have to try and be grateful that I have two healthy boys, challenging but healthy and we are still living.  It still sux though no matter how positive you try to be.

Another year of life has nearly come and gone as we near the end of 2102.  I am mixed about this. The realisation that another year has passed and takes us further away from when Grace was born and everything was real and raw but still fresh memories and we had her with us.  Now we are getting further away from that and people have less understanding about the grief you still carry.

I am sad my boys are getting older and their lives are changing so much now, so many sports and Matthew due to start school. I now have the stark realisation that he no longer will be with me during most of the day and he will be at school.  I will be left with no pre-schoolers and that makes me sad.  People rejoice about having all that extra time, but I just feel sad and think back of the last few years and the sadness of just coping, no delete that, just barely getting through each day is what was the focus and to know that I have lost so much time with Matthew in particular is sad for me.  I cant get back that time.  I couldn't change anything about it.  But I tried my best as a mother of two preschoolers and a mother who lost a baby, I tried my best just to exist and be here and get to the next day.  I would like to think that I did a good job creating memories and being their mum, but truthfully I cant remember much of it as my mind was often with Grace.

I am sad that this year has meant big changes in our family and the break up of my brothers marriage has carried some stress and also sadness.  To have someone so close, no longer in our lives is hard and I am slowly adjusting however regardless of what hurt she brought upon us all, she did have a good side and she was an amazing support to me when I needed someone the most.  I wish her all the best for life and hope she can find the happiness she is searching for.

A past friendship has been re-united for me which is pretty amazing.  All without effort and I just let it happen. I gave up a long time ago trying to 'make things work' with friends and some have come, some have gone.  All of them have left me with good memories and I will cherish those.  However losing a baby makes you realise that life is bigger than squabbles with friends and if they matter and think I matter, they will be in my life, and if not then good luck to them on living their lives.

My marriage is strong, my love for my children is immense, my strength is there when I draw upon it, my family is supportive and amazing, my friends provide me with laughs and good times, my job is enjoyable, my house was built by us and how we want it, my car is new and great, our holidays are filled with fun and lots to do, our bank account could be higher, music provides me with relief and time to sing out-loud with happiness or pain, my life could almost be described as perfect....except we are missing our baby....we don't have Grace to hold in our arms and she will always be our angel, our precious child and our baby daughter who we love so much more than words can describe.
I wish her a Merry Christmas for tommorow and I now have tears as I think of her, tiny, in our arms but still......her memory remains.......I have hope that she is dancing with angels and catching glitter from the fairies as they fly with her amongst a garden of flowers and other children are there with her, laughing and playing and loving and knowing that Grace is loved.

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