I haven't written for a while, I haven't written for ages in fact. I have wanted to, have made my way towards the computer and then been torn away for something else...phone rings, kids need something, tea needs cooking...always something else demanding my attention, but right now I stop, I need to write, to express myself and to acknowledge my loss.
Everyday I still think of Grace, some days are filled with Grace and other days are fleeting thoughts but always missing her and always wondering and wishing things were different. I do appreciate what I have, a lovely house, a great husband, two busy but wonderful boys and family and friends who care. I know that time does not stop...the pain...the feeling of loss...the 'missing' her part....the forever searching for some sign she exists somehow happily in heaven but still with us in some way.
On my birthday B brought me pink things cause I love pink but he brought pink balloons....i found this so hard but had to re-look at it and think of my link to Grace rather than my loss of Grace. On nana's birthday there was a room full of pink helium balloons that i cringed at and wanted to pop everyone of them...but i had to re-think and focus on the link rather than the loss.
I watched a programme last night where the young couple delivered a stillborn baby (not real but so well acted) and I cried and cried and cried and it felt good because I haven't cried like that for some time now and I think I really needed to get it out. I look at Grace's picture in my room and I look away quite quickly, I think that if I do that I wont feel as much, I wont get upset and I wont feel the loss. I know the pain is there but I push it away and pretend I cant feel it.
I have to wonder if holding onto Grace and not 'letting her go' is ok in the sense that spirtually something could be holding Grace back from being free if that makes sense. But I feel that if I 'let go' and accept her passing then I'm accepting what has happened and how the heck do I accept that my baby girl is gone. How do I feel at peace with that? How do I say that I am comfortable with that when clearly I'm not and would love to have her back.
I have moments where I look at my boys and see how much hard work they are and cant help but wonder if Grace was not able to be with us because life was challenging enough already? But then I think no way that cant be right because life is challenging now that we don't have her with us and the pain and loss has contributed to that stress and emotional rollercoaster I am on and cant get off from.
May was such a hard month to get through. Even harder this year I felt because with my brothers marriage ended, my sister in law was not around who did provide amazing support, friends around me knew what the month was but it was not as important as the 'first' year and family knew but we just didnt talk about it. Brett was sick and had his bike ride in his focus and we didnt talk as much either. Just because it is now been two years since Grace was born this is still just as significant as the first year. I know that time heals and all that but some days you still feel the hurt and the loss and May was a month that truly was a struggle.
Loving you every day Grace and missing you every day
Each time I see a rainbow I think of you and how you could be painting me a picture to make me smile
I thank you for the rainbows all day long on my birthday and the day before
Your brothers still speak of you and I wouldn't stop them
I wish you were here in my arms
I wish this room Im sitting in right now was your room like it was meant to be
I wish I had of been able to change what happened
I hope that by relieving you of this life, your tiny sick body, I hope that it brought you freedom
I love you Grace, my precious baby, my precious child