Sometimes I wish I could turn around and see my baby there...just see her and see what she looks like in this life, breathing, living and enjoying our family. I wish I could see her, catch a glimpse of her interacting with her brothers and trying to get in on their play and arguments. I wish I could pick her up and give her cuddles, I wish I could buy her a pretty dress and put her hair up in pigtails, instead of having all the bags of clothing sitting in the cupboard. I wish I could take her out with me and have people say "oh what a beautiful baby". I wish I could have her in photos and display them on the wall proudly by her brothers, instead of in my bedroom or in the album to protect others peoples feelings. I wish I could be up with her in the middle of the night, providing comfort to ease her bad dreams. I wish she was here, with us, with her family who love her so deeply. I wish we could celebrate her birthday with her here and with cake and candles that she can actually blow out for herself. I wish we had balloons that were for her to play with, not for us to release in remembrance. I wish we could keep our big car because there would be a reason to have it rather than a reason to sell it. I wish people wouldn't ask if we are going to try for another baby, because this is so much harder and deeper than I let on with so many emotions and thoughts jumbled in. I wish that Grace was here, pulling stuff out of cupboards and getting herself into mischief just like her brothers. I wish I never knew the pain of losing a baby and wish I was not "the mummy who lost a baby". I wish I never had to read through blogs of other mummys who lose babies, its just unfair and cruel of life to do this to people. I wish I had of washed my hands more, taken more care of hygiene and maybe just maybe things would be different. I wish I had of kicked up a fuss when those bloods came back with something wrong. I wish I was with my baby right now, instead of writing about her and what I don't have. I wish, I wish, I wish I had my baby girl Grace here, in this life, not waiting in heaven somewhere to meet us later on. I wish I knew she was ok. I wish I could have her back. I wish I could say out loud to people that don't know me, I have two boys and one girl, happy and healthy here in this life. I wish you were in my life Grace, as a toddler who would be turning two this year, in life and with us xoxoxo
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
I wish....
Sometimes I wish I could turn around and see my baby there...just see her and see what she looks like in this life, breathing, living and enjoying our family. I wish I could see her, catch a glimpse of her interacting with her brothers and trying to get in on their play and arguments. I wish I could pick her up and give her cuddles, I wish I could buy her a pretty dress and put her hair up in pigtails, instead of having all the bags of clothing sitting in the cupboard. I wish I could take her out with me and have people say "oh what a beautiful baby". I wish I could have her in photos and display them on the wall proudly by her brothers, instead of in my bedroom or in the album to protect others peoples feelings. I wish I could be up with her in the middle of the night, providing comfort to ease her bad dreams. I wish she was here, with us, with her family who love her so deeply. I wish we could celebrate her birthday with her here and with cake and candles that she can actually blow out for herself. I wish we had balloons that were for her to play with, not for us to release in remembrance. I wish we could keep our big car because there would be a reason to have it rather than a reason to sell it. I wish people wouldn't ask if we are going to try for another baby, because this is so much harder and deeper than I let on with so many emotions and thoughts jumbled in. I wish that Grace was here, pulling stuff out of cupboards and getting herself into mischief just like her brothers. I wish I never knew the pain of losing a baby and wish I was not "the mummy who lost a baby". I wish I never had to read through blogs of other mummys who lose babies, its just unfair and cruel of life to do this to people. I wish I had of washed my hands more, taken more care of hygiene and maybe just maybe things would be different. I wish I had of kicked up a fuss when those bloods came back with something wrong. I wish I was with my baby right now, instead of writing about her and what I don't have. I wish, I wish, I wish I had my baby girl Grace here, in this life, not waiting in heaven somewhere to meet us later on. I wish I knew she was ok. I wish I could have her back. I wish I could say out loud to people that don't know me, I have two boys and one girl, happy and healthy here in this life. I wish you were in my life Grace, as a toddler who would be turning two this year, in life and with us xoxoxo
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Our special book and TTC
I am so happy with the final result of a book that I have just had made by a website called www.blogtoprint.com. My blog has been turned into a hardcover book with all of my posts and all my photos and comments. I cried when I started to read the book....all the initial memories came flooding back and I found it just too hard to continue to read. I will at some time go back through my posts, my photos and re-read everything but for now it is just too hard. I thought I would be fine, I thought I was ready to read through everything we have been through, but obviously I am not. I know this book will be a special memento to pass onto the boys when they are older and it is something that is sentimental to me and something special to place into 'Grace's treasure box'.
And onto other things....the decision to try again for another baby has been weighing heavily on my thoughts. It has been consuming alot of my time and in my head alot. I have started folic acid and I thought my now I would be about three months into TTC for another baby. However I have just not felt ready or comfortable about trying. This month I thought was the month I was ready to start...I had worked out my 'prime' days for conception, been eating fairly healthy and have had folic acid for at least four months now. However when it came time to 'try' I failed....I failed miserably and ended up sitting out in my lounge room crying. I have looked at other babies and decided that I do want another baby, I am not ready to give up on another sibling for the boys. I decided that I dont want to look back in life and regret not having another child because of the fear that is holding me back. However my husband was ready, he is wanting whatever I am wanting and I just could not go through with it. I started to cry and it was all because of the fear of what happened to us, could happen again. I now know there are no passes when it comes to escaping a loss...it very well could happen again and I dont know if I could survive another baby being taken from me. I also felt like in some way I was 'forgetting' Grace by wanting another child, I felt guilty for wanting another baby and I know we can never ever replace her but to have another child means that child will become known to everyone as our 'third child' and yet Grace is our third and nothing can change that but to the world and on paper and to people who dont know what happened, another baby would be our third...so in a small way I feel like I am dishonouring Grace. So anyway this month will not be the month we are TTC....I am just not ready....but will I ever be????
Do you know anyone who has gone on to have a 'rainbow baby'? How did they cope? Have you gone on to have a rainbow baby yourself???
And onto other things....the decision to try again for another baby has been weighing heavily on my thoughts. It has been consuming alot of my time and in my head alot. I have started folic acid and I thought my now I would be about three months into TTC for another baby. However I have just not felt ready or comfortable about trying. This month I thought was the month I was ready to start...I had worked out my 'prime' days for conception, been eating fairly healthy and have had folic acid for at least four months now. However when it came time to 'try' I failed....I failed miserably and ended up sitting out in my lounge room crying. I have looked at other babies and decided that I do want another baby, I am not ready to give up on another sibling for the boys. I decided that I dont want to look back in life and regret not having another child because of the fear that is holding me back. However my husband was ready, he is wanting whatever I am wanting and I just could not go through with it. I started to cry and it was all because of the fear of what happened to us, could happen again. I now know there are no passes when it comes to escaping a loss...it very well could happen again and I dont know if I could survive another baby being taken from me. I also felt like in some way I was 'forgetting' Grace by wanting another child, I felt guilty for wanting another baby and I know we can never ever replace her but to have another child means that child will become known to everyone as our 'third child' and yet Grace is our third and nothing can change that but to the world and on paper and to people who dont know what happened, another baby would be our third...so in a small way I feel like I am dishonouring Grace. So anyway this month will not be the month we are TTC....I am just not ready....but will I ever be????
Do you know anyone who has gone on to have a 'rainbow baby'? How did they cope? Have you gone on to have a rainbow baby yourself???
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