Time doesn't stop

I haven't written for a while, I haven't written for ages in fact.  I have wanted to, have made my way towards the computer and then been torn away for something else...phone rings, kids need something, tea needs cooking...always something else demanding my attention, but right now I stop, I need to write, to express myself and to acknowledge my loss.

Everyday I still think of Grace, some days are filled with Grace and other days are fleeting thoughts but always missing her and always wondering and wishing things were different.  I do appreciate what I have, a lovely house, a great husband, two busy but wonderful boys and family and friends who care.  I know that time does not stop...the pain...the feeling of loss...the 'missing' her part....the forever searching for some sign she exists somehow happily in heaven but still with us in some way.

On my birthday B brought me pink things cause I love pink but he brought pink balloons....i found this so hard but had to re-look at it and think of my link to Grace rather than my loss of Grace.  On nana's birthday there was a room full of pink helium balloons that i cringed at and wanted to pop everyone of them...but i had to re-think and focus on the link rather than the loss.

I watched a programme last night where the young couple delivered a stillborn baby (not real but so well acted) and I cried and cried and cried and it felt good because I haven't cried like that for some time now and I think I really needed to get it out.  I look at Grace's picture in my room and I look away quite quickly, I think that if I do that I wont feel as much, I wont get upset and I wont feel the loss.  I know the pain is there but I push it away and pretend I cant feel it.

I have to wonder if holding onto Grace and not 'letting her go' is ok in the sense that spirtually something could be holding Grace back from being free if that makes sense.  But I feel that if I 'let go' and accept her passing then I'm accepting what has happened and how the heck do I accept that my baby girl is gone.  How do I feel at peace with that?  How do I say that I am comfortable with that when clearly I'm not and would love to have her back.

I have moments where I look at my boys and see how much hard work they are and cant help but wonder if Grace was not able to be with us because life was challenging enough already?  But then I think no way that cant be right because life is challenging now that we don't have her with us and the pain and loss has contributed to that stress and emotional rollercoaster I am on and cant get off from.

May was such a hard month to get through.  Even harder this year I felt because with my brothers marriage ended, my sister in law was not around who did provide amazing support, friends around me knew what the month was but it was not as important as the 'first' year and family knew but we just didnt talk about it. Brett was sick and had his bike ride in his focus and we didnt talk as much either.  Just because it is now been two years since Grace was born this is still just as significant as the first year.  I know that time heals and all that but some days you still feel the hurt and the loss and May was a month that truly was a struggle.

Loving you every day Grace and missing you every day
Each time I see a rainbow I think of you and how you could be painting me a picture to make me smile
I thank you for the rainbows all day long on my birthday and the day before
Your brothers still speak of you and I wouldn't stop them
I wish you were here in my arms
I wish this room Im sitting in right now was your room like it was meant to be
I wish I had of been able to change what happened
I hope that by relieving you of this life, your tiny sick body, I hope that it brought you freedom
I love you Grace, my precious baby, my precious child
xoxoxoxoxoxo

A reason...

They Say There is a Reason
They say there is a reason, They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason, Will change the way I feel,
For no one knows the heartache, That lies behind our smiles,
No one knows how many times, We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something, So there won’t be any doubt,
You’re so wonderful to think of, But so hard to be without.
~Author Unknown

Mothers day for the second year

The lead up to this day was filled with apprehension.  My husband was away for the weekend on a mountain bike riding event so I had a weekend with my two boys and after them being sick during the week, we were all tired and a bit house-bound.  Sunday morning came and from the moment I opened my eyes I made a promise to focus on my boys.....a diversion from the inner pain and sorrow and knowing one very vital part of our lives was not there that day...our Grace.
The moment I awoke I had my veyr excited 4year old racing off to his room to retrieve his card and gifts and my 7year old not far behind him.  Earlier in the week they had sat with their dad creating cards and writing me letters.  These items mean far more to me than anything else.  Their writing, their thought, their love and effort all done for me.  After cooking a breakfast for us all we sat and snuggled for a while on the couch while watching tv.  One of our familys special traditions that was started by S, was to release a lantern in memory of Grace.  So thats what we did...we lit a lantern....M said "so Grace can see it" and we watched as the lantern floated high into the sky.  I silently wished my Grace all the love I could send her and the fact that I wished I could hold her. 
The morning continued with so many times of myself pushing that inner nagging feeling of loss, grieving and just wanting my baby although I was loving the fact I was lucky enough to have my two boys with me.  We spent most of the morning at home with the kids still recovering from their sickness.  At lunchtime my husband returned home and after cuddles I left the kids with him and headed out to my mums to visit mum, dad, my neice and two sisters and we had a lovely time having a tea party with nibbles.  Similar to what we did last year but not as elaborate.  I received a lovely text from S wishing me a happy mothers day knowing it would be a bit difficult for me.  After a few hours with mum I headed back home to my family and the boys treated me to a yummy coffee out at a cafe.  On the way there I was fighting back tears...the sorrow and the feeling of darkness was creeping in....I found it hard to ignore.....I couldnt deny the truth that my baby was not there....she should have been....I wanted her there....
Then my husband dropped the bombshell of friends wanting to visit with their newborn baby girl!!!  F*** really hubby can you not get how I am feeling of all people!  I was speechless and once I regained composure I simply stated I could not bear to be by a baby girl that was not mine and he could see them but of all days I could not do it, another day....I could put it off longer couldnt I????  So
So after coffee which truly was nice and a long hard think I thought perhaps I did want to see this baby, she wasnt mine but maybe that was the point, maybe I would find some comfort in seeing a baby girl on the day I wanted one the most?  Logic in there.....hmmm not sure to be honest?  I was trying my best to convince myself I could do this and I could be brave.  Plenty of times I have caked on that fake face, fake smile and convinced people I was fine, I could do it again today.  I had an out, I made sure they would not be coming to our house but we would meet them somewhere so if I had to suddenly leave I could.  So we meet the friends, saw the baby, my heart melted and so did my kids, my youngest even asked if we could keep her....this question nearly made me lose it but I held it together.  This was our friends newborn, their happiness, their girl, and they deserve to be happy and not to be made to feel uncomfortable. So we saw them for a short time and then we left.  Still actually doubted how much my husband thought that I had overcome a major milestone, how hard that moment was and how much I wanted to cry.
So we went home, had tea and the ended the evening with cuddles and the kids telling me how much they loved me. 
People dont really realise how hard a day like this can be.  Some people have lost their rmothers, some people have lost their children and this day highlights the loss and the pain that comes and there is no denying the overwhelming sorrow that lies beneath the surface. 

I love you baby girl, I miss you Grace, I am your mummy forever.

Always thinking about you

Always thinking of you Grace...always you are in my thoughts and consuming normal every day moments....some thoughts are happy and some are sad...some still ask "what if" or "should I have"...some thoughts are of your tiny wee features....some thoughts are about how brief the time was we had with you....some thoughts are of where you are now or are you anywhere?.....some thoughts are of labour, first look, first hold and last hold....thoughts revolve around and around in my head....some thoughts provoke tears and others I choke back....some thoughts are about what you would have looked like....some thoughts are of time and how it is passing....some thoughts are of those dark days and wondering how I coped...did I cope?....thoughts of family and friends and their involvement or their distancing....thoughts of what you would be like now and who you would look like....forever thinking of you baby girl xoxoxo

The other day I had a lovely, deep and sad but spirited talk with a mum who went through two losses.  One baby was her first, unplanned and she was very young but the loss still remains painful.  The next baby (her third child) made a bigger impact, he was planned and throughout the pregnancy there was bleeding that medical personal did nothing about....she miscarried at 19weeks.  His name was Billy.  Her sorrow is evident and at the same time the connection I have with her and the strength she had to support me and show me that you can get through by focusing on your other children is what helped me to keep going.  We talked about physics and the hope for our babies to be happy somewhere and the answers to that.  We talked about shutting out the world, closing the curtains, not answering the phone and not wanting to face the world and reality.  We talked about family and friends, those who stayed and those who we walked away from.  We talked about the pain and the change of that pain with time.  We talked about our living children and their feelings and thoughts.  We talked about our husbands and their pure determination to get us 'better' and through the worst time of our lives.  We said over and over how hard this was, is and forever will be and no-one can truly understand unless they have experienced this.  We said that we felt guilt for times that we did smile or feel good about something. We said we will never forget, never.  We talked about how we spend time when it is the month of birth date or and month of the due date.  We said you treasure the children you have so much more and make the most of time and experiences for them.  You plan holidays and you enjoy the joy that your children bring to your life, but you also feel a gap, a space where the baby would have been.  You cry at things that you would never have cried at before.  We talked about crying at the realisation your youngest living child is getting older.  We talked about future children and the fear of pregnancy but if someone handed us a newborn we would accept straight away.  We talked about thinking everyone is looking at you differently when you go anywhere, weather they did know or not.  We talked about peoples comments and the worst thing that someone can say is 'oh it just wasn't meant to be'....we both hate that with a vengeance.  We talked about other people and their experiences and how everyone is different and how you deal with the loss is very individual.  We talked about taking the baby's ashes with us on holidays just to feel like the baby was there with us.  We talked about the burial and cremation...the reasons for choosing cremation.  We talked about seeing other pregnant people and trying to smile.  We talked about plastering on a face and pretending to be enjoying something while our hearts and heads just were not focusing.  We talked about people not talking to you or saying too much.  We talked about how forever is a long time to miss someone but that is the way it is.
She is a beautiful person with a beautiful family and I thank her so much for helping me.

Tattoos and relationship breakup

Recently a family member got a tattoo...she asked me if she could use a symbol that is universal but my husband had created and then onto some clothing with angel wings, a G and baby feet...I said no as I felt that symbol was special and meaningful only to us. However my husband and I said that was fine for her to get a tattoo representing Grace if she wanted to and felt honoured she thought of doing it. So she did get a tattoo done, a little daisy that is added onto her existing daisy chain and also a G just small but noticeable and meaningful.

I had some comments made to me from others that all disagreed by what she had done and they thought that if something happened and she was for some reason no longer in our lives she would forever carry the tattoo of Grace.

I thought about this long and hard and found really conflicted but reality was this person was someone who was by my side whenever I needed her, she listened, she never judged, she brought me items that will be forever treasured and special and she was someone I trusted and she was there through everything. I confronted these comments and made that statement that no matter what, regardless of what could happen this person was there for me through the most hardest time of my life and therefore having the tattoos were simply a marking of that time for her and for me. She was honouring my baby, her niece and no matter what anybody thought I didn't care because she was doing something special.

Now something has happened, her marriage has recently dissolved and who knows what happens from this moment but I am sad and I want her to know that, its not her fault, Im not placing blame at all I just simply am sad the relationship is over and things will now change. I don't cope well with change, I don't like it.

I want her to know that her children are still my family and I still very much care for them and will do anything to help care for them from now on, more than ever. I am sad because I cant be there for her when she needs someone the most and return the support she has given me, because I am too close to the situation and my family member is involved so my loyalty has to be with him. I am sad that I will no longer have her around much for advice, support and a friend. I am sad that I got to know her so much and now I feel like I don't know her at all. I am sad this has happened and I am sad for everyone involved, the effects on family and the effects on the children. It has really hit me hard today that my biggest support is no longer someone I can logistically turn too and that makes me sad. I hope she knows that one day sooner rather than later I would like to talk with her, I would like to wish her well with what lies ahead and wish her support with getting help for her depression, her studies, house-hunting, and the children. I don't want her to be non-existent in our lives because she has already been such a big part of it.

Private and public

I have decided that I will continue to have a private blog but only entirely for me and my own thoughts and an area to express myself and to have a public blog that will remain open. I have varying reasons for doing this but it is something I have been thinking about for a while. I mainly need to have my own space now to filter through my own thoughts and now that support systems have changed and sadly have 'withered' a bit, I now want to change how my blog is used. My private blog will be for photos, expressing myself and letters to Grace, things I cant say outloud and my public blog will be for connecting with others who have unfortunately shared in the loss of a baby and as a support system along with expressing my thoughts.

I no longer write often but I will still be writing and I still need to be able to express my thoughts. I still miss my baby Grace each and every day, some more than others, but she is never far from my thoughts and sometimes consuming every thought I have.

I thank everyone for being a part of our lives for nearly two whole years now and I appreciate all the support we all received. I have had many, many beautiful items brought for me that will remain precious and forever treasured. Getting through the darkest days has only been possible from the strength that people around us provided for us and I only wish that one day I can re-pay that favour somehow but in a different way.

My life is easier most days now, but still missing one very big part of our lives and we can never change this no matter how hard I wish for things to be different. Losing a child ripped out a part of me and has changed me forever. I am forever walking around with an empty part of me that will never be fullfilled due to Grace not being here. I appreciate what joy she gave us in such a short time and I appreciate that I can say I have a daughter. She was and is loved forever.

I wish....

Sometimes I wish I could turn around and see my baby there...just see her and see what she looks like in this life, breathing, living and enjoying our family. I wish I could see her, catch a glimpse of her interacting with her brothers and trying to get in on their play and arguments. I wish I could pick her up and give her cuddles, I wish I could buy her a pretty dress and put her hair up in pigtails, instead of having all the bags of clothing sitting in the cupboard. I wish I could take her out with me and have people say "oh what a beautiful baby". I wish I could have her in photos and display them on the wall proudly by her brothers, instead of in my bedroom or in the album to protect others peoples feelings. I wish I could be up with her in the middle of the night, providing comfort to ease her bad dreams. I wish she was here, with us, with her family who love her so deeply. I wish we could celebrate her birthday with her here and with cake and candles that she can actually blow out for herself. I wish we had balloons that were for her to play with, not for us to release in remembrance. I wish we could keep our big car because there would be a reason to have it rather than a reason to sell it. I wish people wouldn't ask if we are going to try for another baby, because this is so much harder and deeper than I let on with so many emotions and thoughts jumbled in. I wish that Grace was here, pulling stuff out of cupboards and getting herself into mischief just like her brothers. I wish I never knew the pain of losing a baby and wish I was not "the mummy who lost a baby". I wish I never had to read through blogs of other mummys who lose babies, its just unfair and cruel of life to do this to people. I wish I had of washed my hands more, taken more care of hygiene and maybe just maybe things would be different. I wish I had of kicked up a fuss when those bloods came back with something wrong. I wish I was with my baby right now, instead of writing about her and what I don't have. I wish, I wish, I wish I had my baby girl Grace here, in this life, not waiting in heaven somewhere to meet us later on. I wish I knew she was ok. I wish I could have her back. I wish I could say out loud to people that don't know me, I have two boys and one girl, happy and healthy here in this life. I wish you were in my life Grace, as a toddler who would be turning two this year, in life and with us xoxoxo