what they say

this is a post from a blog that I follow and find it very inspiring, truthful and can relate to many of the posts. I especially love this post and wanted to share it.

http://www.glowinthewoods.com/home/2012/8/18/what-they-say.html

what they say

Today's post isn't going to be lyrical or beautiful.  It's not going to uplift you or share a new perspective on the terrible tragedy of losing a baby.  And it also contains a fair bit of swearing so be forewarned.  

Today's post is about other people, the ones that have all their kids and don't know one single thing about how to talk to us, how to behave like a true friend, how to navigate in our dark depths and instead say incredibly stupid and insensitive things without using their heart or brain before opening their mouths.  So, let's start with my favorite:

"Well, everything happens for a reason."

What I want to say & do in reply:

Oh really?  It does?  So when I wind up my arm and clench it into a fist and punch that person directly in their disgusting, thoughtless mouth, I can just chalk it up to 'everything happening for a reason?'  What a relief!  I thought the Universe was just random, brutal and unforgiving, but here you are with your deep wisdom born of nothing, telling me I can do whatever the fuck I want because hey!  It all happens for a reason!  And the reason you are flat on your back from my knuckle sandwich is because you're an unthinking, insensitive ass.

What I say instead:

I disagree.  There could never be a good reason for my son dying.  What you are saying is very offensive to me, and I would appreciate it if you would keep those sentiments to yourself.  I know you're just trying to help, but it's not and you aren't and please, please stop. (or else, see above, I say with my eyes)

"Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

What I want to say:

Hmmm, let's see, no.  Not true.  Some things that don't kill you make you weak and fragile and bitter and sad.  Some things, like losing your child before they had a chance to make a breath or live a day, make you hollow and desolate and open your eyes to how bad life can get.  The strength I relied upon to live through that terrible experience came from who I was before he died.  His death did nothing but rip the naivety and innocence from my soul and lay the world bare in all its brutal viciousness.

What I say instead:

My son dying didn't make me stronger.  It made me nearly dead myself, and I'm not stronger for his death. I would have been made stronger by getting to be his father. What you are saying is painfully insensitive.  Please stop.

"At least you're young, you can have another."

What I want to say:

Wonderful!  Thank you so much for being a fucking idiot.  Because as you know all kids are replaceable. One breaks or dies, just go out and pick up another one.  How about this?  How about I take one of your four kids and raise it as mine?  After all, you've got plenty!  Spare one for someone who misplaced theirs when they fucking died.  How about it?  Since you're such a dumbass you will probably raise awful children anyway.

What I say instead:

Nothing.  I say nothing to those people.  I just look at them for a moment, shake my head and walk away.

"God works in mysterious ways."

What I want to say:

Fuck you.  Get out of my house.

What I say instead:

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.  If this is God's mysterious way of teaching me some kind of lesson, He/She/It can go fuck themselves.

"Is he your first?"

What I want to say:

Why do you want to know?  Or are you just asking things without thinking about it?  Do you really want to know about my first, about how he died?  About how we are still devastated by his absence?  About all our hopes for him and us dashed against the black shards of death?  Or are you just some blissfully ignorant stranger who can't keep their mouth shut and don't really give one fuck about us at all?  Ah, I thought so.

What I say instead:

No, our first son died due to complications during birth.  Then I just look at them while they crumble into despair and I think to myself be careful what you ask people, they just might tell you the truth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What insane, awful and horrific things have people said to you when they learn that your child died?  Let's rage on this together with the only people that know the truth and feel a little better by getting it all out for once

It still hurts

I haven't written for a while but I still have strong feelings of loss and guilt and wonder about what life would have been like.   I still have thoughts everyday about Grace and I know that life is much more settled now for me emotionally however i do still feel the loss and it hurts still.  I wonder if that hurt will ever go away...but I hope it doesn't because in one way it is a reminder that I care, I love and I had/have someone in my life that mattered to me.   I ponder on the decision we made and how it affected us...initially the guilt was sucking me under and leaving me dark and desolate.  Now I can almost 100% acknowledge that we did the 'right' thing and we 'saved' Grace from a life either short or long that would have definitely been a struggle and she never would have been a child living life to the full and everyone in this family would have been affected in ways I could not even imagine.  I still feel guilty.  I still think 'what if' and still wish things could have been different.  I still look at baby girls and children that would be the same age as Grace each day and think that I would love to be holding and playing with my own little girl.  It makes me sick to hear of bad news about children and it makes me angry to hear of parents mistreating their children, having more children when they already don't enjoy being a parent, children put in bad situations...etc...the list goes on.  I was told to 'let her go' but how do you do that without accepting what has happened and I don't, I don't accept what has happened.  I don't want to forget but I also find it hard to continue with pain and loss but I have no choice.

I continue to honor my little girl and surround myself with special items such as new charms, photo images with Graces name etc and I no longer receive as many now my sister in law is no longer in our lives but I will always treasure and appreciate what I was given.  Every now and then friends acknowledge Grace or mention a baby loss of someone else or something they have heard and how it relates to me, but not as often now.  It appears that the first year is huge as far as support goes and then after that people move on from mentioning anything to you and its almost like they think you are doing ok so they don't say anything.  I guess it gets to a point also when people no longer have anything to say but I still believe it is important to recognize the loss still.

September is a strange month where people no longer understand why this month would mean anything however it still remains a month of a reminder of when my baby was due.  Its still a time where other little girls are turning two and families are celebrating and Im reminded that nearly two years ago Grace would have been a little bubs screaming and keeping us up at night and now she would be a toddler making us crazy with getting into cupboards but very much a part of our family with our boys and keeping us extra busy.  I am excited however that on September 1st I get to organize a party for my niece and its all about fairies and tinkerbell.  I dont get to organize any little girls parties and Im super excited that I can do something special for my beautiful little girl in my life.  I did find it a tiny bit hard buying the decorations and wished I was buying them for myself but also recognized that I am lucky to be doing this for my niece.

We are still in the deciding phase of weather or not to TTC again or not...we think we are ready then we pull back from 'making babies'.  The fear of the pregnancy, the fear of the reminders and the fear of losing again is huge and no-one can understand that unless they have lost before.  Its fine for everyone to say "oh feel the fear and do it anyway" but unless you have felt the loss and been to the deepest darkest time of your life and no longer have a baby or child then the fear is like something unknown.  Time will tell and we will know when we are ready.  I really dont care about having big gaps between the children, its not really been our choice so that's not important to me.  I love kids and I am not ready to give up on having another baby just yet but I am also not quite ready to experience pregnancy yet either.

Grace if I had you in my arms, here in our home, I would cuddle you and love you and tell you how much I love you.  I hope that you are an angel and you hear my silent talks with you and know that I love you and think of you often.  I hope that you know how much I treasure my roses that beautify our house and symbolize you and know that you are so special.  I hope that you know one day I look forward to seeing you and holding you for longer than a short time.  I hope that you know you are our baby, forever and no matter what this life brings you are forever our third child and you are special.  Love you baby girl xo

Friends - response to a blog

My response to a post on a blog about friends and life after loss:
"wow you have such an honest and amazing way of saying what so many people experience after loss of a baby. I relate so much to what you have said and read your post almost with my breath held waiting on every word and waiting to see what you would say next. I wondered if your story would end the same as mine....with loss of friends and the recognition of forgiveness needed. I too lost friends, some by my choice, some by their choice. I made new friends also who lost a baby. I found moments of strength from people I never thought that would be so supportive and I found disappointment in others that I thought would be supportive. I came to the conclusion that my grief, my loss, my life was far too important and needed to be lived by me and if they could be in that with me, great, and if not I have many happy memories and they became people in my past. I was angry, I was sad, but now I know that I had to focus on my life and my moving forward with the grief in ways that I knew how".


Blog:  Glow in the Woods:  
In the weeks after, it became abundantly clear that I had no idea how to feel anything but anger and longing about her death. I was not emotionally equipped to handle the death of my daughter, except I had to handle it. It was awkward and painful. I clumsily talked to people, until I just couldn't do it anymore. I drank heavily. I watched the same safe comedies over and over. I was afraid to call friends and cry. I thought I would never stop--hysterical, uncontrolled tears. Keening. Misplaced anger. Blame. Fear. Blubbering. I heard the conversation before I uttered a word.


If I say I want to die now, you won't understand. You will think I am suicidal. You will call the authorities. You will take my only living child. I just don't know how to live this life without her. I don't know how to shop for groceries now that she is dead. I don't know how to make small talk. I don't know how to watch Law & Order. I don't know how to do anything.



Being the me I was and grieving was fucking torture. So I changed stuff about me, like who I trust and when I trust and what I trust and how much I trust. I changed what I give and what I take and what I give personally and what I take personally. I changed what I complain about and what I don't.


I couldn't call those old friends after I changed. I didn't know what to say to them anymore. I wasn't over her death. I would never be over her death. But I learned to live with it. Time had moved forward. I moved forward. They moved forward. I missed so much, and they missed so much. Not many people stepped up. Those that did, stepped away eventually. I never called them to ask about the thing I should have been asking about--birthdays, illnesses, new jobs, old jobs, pets, boyfriends, girlfriends, new babies. When I came to fully understand that my daughter was never coming back, I came to understand that neither were my friends. I don't blame them anymore. I was a terrible friend--grieving and overly sensitive, impetuous and distant. I didn't and still do not understand how I could have been any better. I did the absolute best I could with who I was. Emotionally, I was stunted and small. And maybe they were too.


+++


I wrote because I didn't know what else to do with this ache in me. I couldn't speak it to my closest friends, so I wrote her birth story. I posted it on the internet. I thought that was everything I knew about her. I put it on a blog. Maybe someone will read it, maybe someone will understand. It was a flare shot into the night. Or a campfire, as we say around here.

Time doesn't stop

I haven't written for a while, I haven't written for ages in fact.  I have wanted to, have made my way towards the computer and then been torn away for something else...phone rings, kids need something, tea needs cooking...always something else demanding my attention, but right now I stop, I need to write, to express myself and to acknowledge my loss.

Everyday I still think of Grace, some days are filled with Grace and other days are fleeting thoughts but always missing her and always wondering and wishing things were different.  I do appreciate what I have, a lovely house, a great husband, two busy but wonderful boys and family and friends who care.  I know that time does not stop...the pain...the feeling of loss...the 'missing' her part....the forever searching for some sign she exists somehow happily in heaven but still with us in some way.

On my birthday B brought me pink things cause I love pink but he brought pink balloons....i found this so hard but had to re-look at it and think of my link to Grace rather than my loss of Grace.  On nana's birthday there was a room full of pink helium balloons that i cringed at and wanted to pop everyone of them...but i had to re-think and focus on the link rather than the loss.

I watched a programme last night where the young couple delivered a stillborn baby (not real but so well acted) and I cried and cried and cried and it felt good because I haven't cried like that for some time now and I think I really needed to get it out.  I look at Grace's picture in my room and I look away quite quickly, I think that if I do that I wont feel as much, I wont get upset and I wont feel the loss.  I know the pain is there but I push it away and pretend I cant feel it.

I have to wonder if holding onto Grace and not 'letting her go' is ok in the sense that spirtually something could be holding Grace back from being free if that makes sense.  But I feel that if I 'let go' and accept her passing then I'm accepting what has happened and how the heck do I accept that my baby girl is gone.  How do I feel at peace with that?  How do I say that I am comfortable with that when clearly I'm not and would love to have her back.

I have moments where I look at my boys and see how much hard work they are and cant help but wonder if Grace was not able to be with us because life was challenging enough already?  But then I think no way that cant be right because life is challenging now that we don't have her with us and the pain and loss has contributed to that stress and emotional rollercoaster I am on and cant get off from.

May was such a hard month to get through.  Even harder this year I felt because with my brothers marriage ended, my sister in law was not around who did provide amazing support, friends around me knew what the month was but it was not as important as the 'first' year and family knew but we just didnt talk about it. Brett was sick and had his bike ride in his focus and we didnt talk as much either.  Just because it is now been two years since Grace was born this is still just as significant as the first year.  I know that time heals and all that but some days you still feel the hurt and the loss and May was a month that truly was a struggle.

Loving you every day Grace and missing you every day
Each time I see a rainbow I think of you and how you could be painting me a picture to make me smile
I thank you for the rainbows all day long on my birthday and the day before
Your brothers still speak of you and I wouldn't stop them
I wish you were here in my arms
I wish this room Im sitting in right now was your room like it was meant to be
I wish I had of been able to change what happened
I hope that by relieving you of this life, your tiny sick body, I hope that it brought you freedom
I love you Grace, my precious baby, my precious child
xoxoxoxoxoxo

A reason...

They Say There is a Reason
They say there is a reason, They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason, Will change the way I feel,
For no one knows the heartache, That lies behind our smiles,
No one knows how many times, We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something, So there won’t be any doubt,
You’re so wonderful to think of, But so hard to be without.
~Author Unknown

Mothers day for the second year

The lead up to this day was filled with apprehension.  My husband was away for the weekend on a mountain bike riding event so I had a weekend with my two boys and after them being sick during the week, we were all tired and a bit house-bound.  Sunday morning came and from the moment I opened my eyes I made a promise to focus on my boys.....a diversion from the inner pain and sorrow and knowing one very vital part of our lives was not there that day...our Grace.
The moment I awoke I had my veyr excited 4year old racing off to his room to retrieve his card and gifts and my 7year old not far behind him.  Earlier in the week they had sat with their dad creating cards and writing me letters.  These items mean far more to me than anything else.  Their writing, their thought, their love and effort all done for me.  After cooking a breakfast for us all we sat and snuggled for a while on the couch while watching tv.  One of our familys special traditions that was started by S, was to release a lantern in memory of Grace.  So thats what we did...we lit a lantern....M said "so Grace can see it" and we watched as the lantern floated high into the sky.  I silently wished my Grace all the love I could send her and the fact that I wished I could hold her. 
The morning continued with so many times of myself pushing that inner nagging feeling of loss, grieving and just wanting my baby although I was loving the fact I was lucky enough to have my two boys with me.  We spent most of the morning at home with the kids still recovering from their sickness.  At lunchtime my husband returned home and after cuddles I left the kids with him and headed out to my mums to visit mum, dad, my neice and two sisters and we had a lovely time having a tea party with nibbles.  Similar to what we did last year but not as elaborate.  I received a lovely text from S wishing me a happy mothers day knowing it would be a bit difficult for me.  After a few hours with mum I headed back home to my family and the boys treated me to a yummy coffee out at a cafe.  On the way there I was fighting back tears...the sorrow and the feeling of darkness was creeping in....I found it hard to ignore.....I couldnt deny the truth that my baby was not there....she should have been....I wanted her there....
Then my husband dropped the bombshell of friends wanting to visit with their newborn baby girl!!!  F*** really hubby can you not get how I am feeling of all people!  I was speechless and once I regained composure I simply stated I could not bear to be by a baby girl that was not mine and he could see them but of all days I could not do it, another day....I could put it off longer couldnt I????  So
So after coffee which truly was nice and a long hard think I thought perhaps I did want to see this baby, she wasnt mine but maybe that was the point, maybe I would find some comfort in seeing a baby girl on the day I wanted one the most?  Logic in there.....hmmm not sure to be honest?  I was trying my best to convince myself I could do this and I could be brave.  Plenty of times I have caked on that fake face, fake smile and convinced people I was fine, I could do it again today.  I had an out, I made sure they would not be coming to our house but we would meet them somewhere so if I had to suddenly leave I could.  So we meet the friends, saw the baby, my heart melted and so did my kids, my youngest even asked if we could keep her....this question nearly made me lose it but I held it together.  This was our friends newborn, their happiness, their girl, and they deserve to be happy and not to be made to feel uncomfortable. So we saw them for a short time and then we left.  Still actually doubted how much my husband thought that I had overcome a major milestone, how hard that moment was and how much I wanted to cry.
So we went home, had tea and the ended the evening with cuddles and the kids telling me how much they loved me. 
People dont really realise how hard a day like this can be.  Some people have lost their rmothers, some people have lost their children and this day highlights the loss and the pain that comes and there is no denying the overwhelming sorrow that lies beneath the surface. 

I love you baby girl, I miss you Grace, I am your mummy forever.

Always thinking about you

Always thinking of you Grace...always you are in my thoughts and consuming normal every day moments....some thoughts are happy and some are sad...some still ask "what if" or "should I have"...some thoughts are of your tiny wee features....some thoughts are about how brief the time was we had with you....some thoughts are of where you are now or are you anywhere?.....some thoughts are of labour, first look, first hold and last hold....thoughts revolve around and around in my head....some thoughts provoke tears and others I choke back....some thoughts are about what you would have looked like....some thoughts are of time and how it is passing....some thoughts are of those dark days and wondering how I coped...did I cope?....thoughts of family and friends and their involvement or their distancing....thoughts of what you would be like now and who you would look like....forever thinking of you baby girl xoxoxo

The other day I had a lovely, deep and sad but spirited talk with a mum who went through two losses.  One baby was her first, unplanned and she was very young but the loss still remains painful.  The next baby (her third child) made a bigger impact, he was planned and throughout the pregnancy there was bleeding that medical personal did nothing about....she miscarried at 19weeks.  His name was Billy.  Her sorrow is evident and at the same time the connection I have with her and the strength she had to support me and show me that you can get through by focusing on your other children is what helped me to keep going.  We talked about physics and the hope for our babies to be happy somewhere and the answers to that.  We talked about shutting out the world, closing the curtains, not answering the phone and not wanting to face the world and reality.  We talked about family and friends, those who stayed and those who we walked away from.  We talked about the pain and the change of that pain with time.  We talked about our living children and their feelings and thoughts.  We talked about our husbands and their pure determination to get us 'better' and through the worst time of our lives.  We said over and over how hard this was, is and forever will be and no-one can truly understand unless they have experienced this.  We said that we felt guilt for times that we did smile or feel good about something. We said we will never forget, never.  We talked about how we spend time when it is the month of birth date or and month of the due date.  We said you treasure the children you have so much more and make the most of time and experiences for them.  You plan holidays and you enjoy the joy that your children bring to your life, but you also feel a gap, a space where the baby would have been.  You cry at things that you would never have cried at before.  We talked about crying at the realisation your youngest living child is getting older.  We talked about future children and the fear of pregnancy but if someone handed us a newborn we would accept straight away.  We talked about thinking everyone is looking at you differently when you go anywhere, weather they did know or not.  We talked about peoples comments and the worst thing that someone can say is 'oh it just wasn't meant to be'....we both hate that with a vengeance.  We talked about other people and their experiences and how everyone is different and how you deal with the loss is very individual.  We talked about taking the baby's ashes with us on holidays just to feel like the baby was there with us.  We talked about the burial and cremation...the reasons for choosing cremation.  We talked about seeing other pregnant people and trying to smile.  We talked about plastering on a face and pretending to be enjoying something while our hearts and heads just were not focusing.  We talked about people not talking to you or saying too much.  We talked about how forever is a long time to miss someone but that is the way it is.
She is a beautiful person with a beautiful family and I thank her so much for helping me.